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Tidbitsitsybityspider
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I am in talks with my health insurance company to get an emtional support animal (dog), still waiting for them to send me info to go over it. People at ER
and urgent care centers here know me by first name, been there so much but whenever I go there is no emrgency for admission and it is very hard to determine what is wrong with me as alot of symptoms I show might be psychosomatic as my existence have been ravished by multiple traumas, anxiety and treatment resistant depression. Thank for your kind sentiment even though at times I feel it be better that others would want me dead so I expire soon. I understand its irrational way of thinking caused by suffering I have endured in the last three years. I won't, at least I hope, on any suicidial ideations I have when I ak cornered by suferring.
and urgent care centers here know me by first name, been there so much but whenever I go there is no emrgency for admission and it is very hard to determine what is wrong with me as alot of symptoms I show might be psychosomatic as my existence have been ravished by multiple traumas, anxiety and treatment resistant depression. Thank for your kind sentiment even though at times I feel it be better that others would want me dead so I expire soon. I understand its irrational way of thinking caused by suffering I have endured in the last three years. I won't, at least I hope, on any suicidial ideations I have when I ak cornered by suferring.
Yess don't act upon them. I know it's really easy for me to say and because you're going through sooooo much while being so alone it just be tough, more than I would ever know or anyone else ever know. You know it because you're going through it. But please hold on, it's good that you would get a dog soon. And.. I am sorry that you have to go through all that you have to go through. When people (professionals) are even not being able to help than yes that does feel hopeless and just really lonely. But you will go a long way 💜 I want you to live and I am sure there are so many other people who wants you to live as well. Hold on, hopefully and I really truly genuinely hope for this. One day all this pain for you would end. Till then, hold on. You are wanted and needed. There's no one like you, never will there ever be. Mr (I think you're a guy) whatever your name is. Take care 💖
Feel like the body wants to burst open at almost all points. Yesterday afternoon tried Percocet friend of mine gave which has the same dose of oxy with addition of 325 mg paracetamol; he gets them on script from his pain doctor. After an hour sent me into tachycardia over 170 bpm, had to chug down cloni and drive around until it subsided down below 100 bpm. Will hold off on taking it again until I am out of my script and hopefully it will be only for a day or two. I remember similar thing happening with Norco 10-325 but body got use to it and no palpitations now when I take it. Had to start famotidine and carafate solution to heal what it feels like damaged stomach lining with pains I had during gastritis-stomach ulcer phase during which I did not take any pain nor GI meds and awarded myself with a bleed and PTSD. As the year is coming to an end, reminders of last trauma are popping up I had to call 988 couple of times just to get it out of my system.
Statins appear as no go for my systems. Lipitor gave me night terrors, one of which I am unable to voice out as to me it is too scarry and brutal to share with others. Then switched to rosuvastatin which I have tried on three ocassions for a few days only to find out it amplifies bodily aches I already have and anxiety and confusion prompting me to up the doses of pain killer and sedatives, so I will let nature do its own course. Who knows, maybe lipd readings were a bit off because of Seroquel I was taking for the first few days as a sleep aid during detox/ rehab stay. Onwards. What can be done.
Statins appear as no go for my systems. Lipitor gave me night terrors, one of which I am unable to voice out as to me it is too scarry and brutal to share with others. Then switched to rosuvastatin which I have tried on three ocassions for a few days only to find out it amplifies bodily aches I already have and anxiety and confusion prompting me to up the doses of pain killer and sedatives, so I will let nature do its own course. Who knows, maybe lipd readings were a bit off because of Seroquel I was taking for the first few days as a sleep aid during detox/ rehab stay. Onwards. What can be done.
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Chest pain is relentless. I dont have cough, shortness of breath nor does it rsdiate anywhere. Ever since I complrted detox in mid- October chest pain has been more frequent. Legs are for the most part alright but my upper arms are now becoming painful almost daily. I am of an opinion that my heart is failing. I wish I had more painkillers until I last. Friend of mine is supposed to bring me 10 days worth of supply which will carry me to the next scheduled script. If this chest psin does not go away I am thinking going fentanil off the street mivrodosing at first. The pain is dimillar to when I was beaten up after CPR last year so not sure if incoming cold weather has anything to do with it. I am takimg some beets, ginger and grape seed pills for natural nitric oxide and inflamation and some guaifenesin and CoQ10 for circulation and lungs. Considering my place became a dump in last year and a half I add Claritin sometimes. What can be done. My present is painful even though I am repeating affirmations of letting go of old hurts. Ciao.
Hey I am so sorry you're going through so much. But you got this 💜 even if it feels like you don't. Please have some patience. The pain will go away soon hopefully, wait for the meds. Till then take care and listen and watch good stuff to distract yourself. Do you mind if I recommend some songs to you? Those songs are my comfort songs maybe they would help you too? Take care please, you got this, you do
Hey, thanks, sure, share away, I am open to whatever might work. I ended up in urgent care last night so they gave me pointers and reintroduced some of my meds so hopefully in few more days things resolve and I should be getting my painkiller script in a few days as well and I should habe enoigh by then. Thank you 🙏
Ahan I see, it's good and I am really glad. Yes hopefully the pain will go away soon. You're welcome ❤️ ( ◜‿◝ )♡
Now there are a ton of songs I find comforting but it depends on the situation. But like the topmost comforting I would say , when it's really tough (suicidal ideation, feeling like you don't belong, you feel disgusted with yourself and feel as if the world is a better place when you're not in it ) would be these ones :-
1 - Call your mom by Noah Kahan
2 - You're gonna go far by Noah Kahan
3 - Magic Shop by BTS (it's in Korean but subtitles would be there. You can search on yt magic shop by BTS English translation, there are concert clips with English translation as well so you can choose)
4 - Ok not to be ok by Marshmellow and Demi Lovato
I hope this helps, I have more in case you like them or would want more you can tell me and I would type it out
Now there are a ton of songs I find comforting but it depends on the situation. But like the topmost comforting I would say , when it's really tough (suicidal ideation, feeling like you don't belong, you feel disgusted with yourself and feel as if the world is a better place when you're not in it ) would be these ones :-
1 - Call your mom by Noah Kahan
2 - You're gonna go far by Noah Kahan
3 - Magic Shop by BTS (it's in Korean but subtitles would be there. You can search on yt magic shop by BTS English translation, there are concert clips with English translation as well so you can choose)
4 - Ok not to be ok by Marshmellow and Demi Lovato
I hope this helps, I have more in case you like them or would want more you can tell me and I would type it out
(*Imagine me holding your hands as I say this if you're comfortable*) Hey I don't know what you meant by chasing the dragon but don't harm yourself, that's what I think.. don't do it no, you're not unworthy of living and even if you have nothing to live for right now, live because you're being kept alive. That's for a reason. That's because you're wanted to be kept alive. Please please please, you got this. You do. Hey.. you have done it before, you will do it again. Drink some water please, you got this. (*Sending you a hug if you're comfortable*)
Deleted bunch of crap ams fake so called friends from the phine amd con is as to erase any reasons for grudges and turnj g head bacwards instead if onwards. Today was 60 mg of oxycidone, used 10 mg oercocrt I got as a gitft, it was god sent for back lain. All the shit emoyional and literal piled up in the bodu trying to fibd an outlet hence all these aches and pains. Did bot have back lain in weeks but today had to take that percocet and slam 5% lidocain patch on it. Ducosate amd MiraLax did nothing at all so fuck I will wait until shit stars coming out of my mouth (there"s first for everything hehe). I deal as I deal as best possibly I can. To the point of counting tablets, addiction on all fronts, even addiction on me negative thinking and attitude. What pisses me off is when peeps say you got this whereas shit ton of 'em dont know shit what I feel. But okay, I got this. 150 grams of prunes, same amount of dates, chopped to pieces into the pot along with 300 ml of water. Boil and make a jam then jam it as much as I want if I am able to spin the intestine to move move motherfuckers move haha, becoming delusional, thats what lonliness and aimlessnes do to me. Okie, lets float on 369 Hz. Kumbaya...
I am so sorry you're going through so much pain and your feeling of not being understood and all the other feelings are complete valid. Yes no one knows or would ever know how much pain you had gone through, are going through and will go through. It's okay to not be okay. Despite everything you're worthy and always have been and always will be. I am sorry if I ever offend you by saying you got this. What I do mean by that is not to push you into it, into being strong. You don't have to be strong but instead I meant that you have that inside you that will push through all of this and come out the other side. Take care of yourself and it's okay if you can't do that right now if it feels a lot. It's okay to not be okay and you're worthy, always was, always will be and I am proud of you. I also believe in you.
Self-fullfilling prophecies. BP and HR spike more often. Lisinopril becomimg daily sweet. Had to include diclofenac cream as opiates are not cutting it for all kinds of pain amd my system met the therapeutic limitnat least for oxycodone so it really does not matter anymore if I take 40 or 60 mgs a day. Got me heating patches for back as well. I 47 years old and this body is disolving fast. It is painful but im the past few days I am playing with a thought of just accepting pain once again as part of my life. Even though it is a sign something is wrong I do not have neither resources nor support system to try alternative options like visiting acupuncture and massage places. Physical therapy did not help and my insurance anyhow would not pay for extra ten sessions. Maybe they will now that new year is coming and new benefits cycle isbsyarting. The only thing is I cannot afford lower deductible plans now that I am receiving half my pay so not sure how things will play. Bills are piling up so am waiting forntax season to know how much I will have to pay and then draw the last amount from my 401K to take care of that and hopefully be disciplined to save some of that money for year after next one to pay IRS again.
Have to meet with my psych therapist to see what the prognosis are and how long before she would be able to clear me for work as my long term benefits are until May, 2025 and if not stable I would need to file for an extension amd hopefully get it approved. Disability SSI we denied and law firm taking care of that for me for free through my long term disability insurance comoany will to either appeal or start the process over and that will take abother 4-6 months. That existential issues is mentally challenging, compounding my anxiety and physical aches and pains. Good thing is I got yesterday life ins policy for $2K, which was free through my credit union so at least I do not have yo worry if this body expires, my fam will have good chunk of money for cremation. Onwards!
Have to meet with my psych therapist to see what the prognosis are and how long before she would be able to clear me for work as my long term benefits are until May, 2025 and if not stable I would need to file for an extension amd hopefully get it approved. Disability SSI we denied and law firm taking care of that for me for free through my long term disability insurance comoany will to either appeal or start the process over and that will take abother 4-6 months. That existential issues is mentally challenging, compounding my anxiety and physical aches and pains. Good thing is I got yesterday life ins policy for $2K, which was free through my credit union so at least I do not have yo worry if this body expires, my fam will have good chunk of money for cremation. Onwards!
I wish I could help in some wayPolypharmacy. In the time of yore when I was first prescribed zofran, either regular tablets or ODT, it was god sent. Now that my body is filled constantly with oxycodone, when I take regular dosr zofran I get mild shakiness from which prompts upping the dose of clonazepam to offset shakes, so pretty much mild serotonin syndrom cured by one of the methods. Last night I try meclizine for nausea and terrible urge to vomit, but it produces cough and a feeling like someone has put sand in my lungs, so after four hours of cough filled sleeping I take Claritin in order to offset meclizine which on the bottle says talk to ye doctor if you have breathing problems such as emphysema, which I am in early stages, but got prescribed meclizine anyhow in one of the urgent clinics. Reason I have these problemos with nausea and urge to vomit is that I have been trying to get off of famotidine in order to use Elavil which my PCP prescribed for fibrimyalgia flare-up but it has a potenyial of interaction with famotidine with unpleasant side effects which can be fatal. Last night ended up taking that meclizine to avoid shakes, plus had to take carafate solution and famotidine. For now trying Elavil is out as I do not want to go to ER nor deal with side effects during holiday season. So I just had a friend of mine get me few extra pain killer tablets for this flare-up and hopefully it will burn out soon on its own and my wishes to feel better. I will take zofran for nausea/ vomit needs and just offset bothersome effect by cloni I am anyhow already taking. Robaxin and lisinopril are out use as well as PCP confirmed both can produce chest pains and I started having them more frequently during and ever since I left detox/ rehab facility at which they've put me on regular regimen of robaxin to offset some of the pain of detox from oxy and clony, and on lisinopril. I still hold a memory of life without tablets/ pills, waking up in the morning and being able to move without first fueling the body with some pharmacochrmistry. So, hopefully it all works out and near future I am able to function on a higher level.