Tired of hearing "sorry"

[Lisa the Ferrociraptor]

Is it just me, or is anyone else sick of hearing that every time they tell someone a family member died? I get that it just means "i'm sorry that happened to you", and "i wish that hadn't happened", and i appreciate the sentiment, but it just gets kind of grating sometimes. Every single time i say it to someone, i know exactly what they're going to say. It happened 13 years ago. By this point it's not something you need to say "sorry" about, and you were the one who got onto the topic of what my mother is like. Just a minor annoyance, but was curious if it bothered anyone else, or if it's just my thing.

 

[may71]

My guess is that you're not the only one who feels that way. Maybe it's a function of how many times you've heard it, I don't know.

Personally, it doesn't bother me that much, but I haven't heard it that many times.

It would probably be ok to say something like "Please don't say you're sorry. I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm sick of hearing it"

 

[gypsylee]

Is it just me, or is anyone else sick of hearing that every time they tell someone a family member died? I get that it just means "i'm sorry that happened to you", and "i wish that hadn't happened", and i appreciate the sentiment, but it just gets kind of grating sometimes. Every single time i say it to someone, i know exactly what they're going to say. It happened 13 years ago. By this point it's not something you need to say "sorry" about, and you were the one who got onto the topic of what my mother is like. Just a minor annoyance, but was curious if it bothered anyone else, or if it's just my thing.

Hey @Cynic Goat

My brother died 4 years ago and pretty much everyone says that. It doesn’t bother me though because it’s just polite. I’ll probably always hear it as he was only 33. Death isn’t something that’s easily talked about in our culture so it’s always a bit awkward when you tell people your sibling/parent/child has died.

 

[Freyja]

Hey.
It bothers me a tiny bit because I always need to reply "It's okay" and make them feel comfortable again, but I always keep in mind the intention of the other person, and it's the only thing people think about saying when such a topic suddenly comes up. They cannot really know how you feel about it and what you would like to hear. They only say it the first time. But I do understand the minor annoyance
*love and hugs*

 

[Aurelia]

Is it just me, or is anyone else sick of hearing that every time they tell someone a family member died? I get that it just means "i'm sorry that happened to you", and "i wish that hadn't happened", and i appreciate the sentiment, but it just gets kind of grating sometimes. Every single time i say it to someone, i know exactly what they're going to say. It happened 13 years ago. By this point it's not something you need to say "sorry" about, and you were the one who got onto the topic of what my mother is like. Just a minor annoyance, but was curious if it bothered anyone else, or if it's just my thing.

Yeah, people always say "I'm sorry" when they don't know what else to say. "And it definitely starts to bother the fuck out of you when you have to constantly hear it.

You feel shitty? I'm sorry. You're in physical pain? I'm sorry. You have some sort of illness? I'm sorry. Someone died? I'm sorry. Etc, etc.

It gets really fucking old, and extremely irksome. Not only because it makes people feel like they have to say "it's okay" when things are clearly not okay, but also because it's about as useful as a concrete parachute.

 

[1964dodge]

Is it just me, or is anyone else sick of hearing that every time they tell someone a family member died? I get that it just means "i'm sorry that happened to you", and "i wish that hadn't happened", and i appreciate the sentiment, but it just gets kind of grating sometimes. Every single time i say it to someone, i know exactly what they're going to say. It happened 13 years ago. By this point it's not something you need to say "sorry" about, and you were the one who got onto the topic of what my mother is like. Just a minor annoyance, but was curious if it bothered anyone else, or if it's just my thing.

sometimes it's just an automatic response like hello or goodbye but sometimes it's an actual emotion. I think they should say something like i'm sorry this happened to you is there anything I can do, or if they're close to you i'm sorry this happened to you would you like to talk about it. I know it can get irksome when a lot of people say it but most people genuinely mean it that's my opinion anyhow

 

[Lisa the Ferrociraptor]

I know it can get irksome when a lot of people say it but most people genuinely mean it that's my opinion anyhow

Don't get me wrong, I get why they say it, and I do appreciate the sentiment, it just gets kind of old after 13 years of it. Its not really something I need apologies for by this point, it just kind of is what it is, yknow?

 

[1964dodge]

Don't get me wrong, I get why they say it, and I do appreciate the sentiment, it just gets kind of old after 13 years of it. Its not really something I need apologies for by this point, it just kind of is what it is, yknow?

if an event is 13 years old I agree but if you brought up your spouse passed away years ago for example and I didn't know about it i'd say something like i'm sorry that happened i'm sure you miss them but you're right it is hard to hear repatedly

 

[Walker]

I usually say "it was a long time ago" (I'm on year 17) but people still say it to me too. It doesn't bother me.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

I never feel comfortable saying 'sorry' to someone in those circumstances. If it was something that happened years ago I usually won't, unless the person seems to be feeling emotional about it. It's kind of a lose-lose situation for me. If I say sorry, I feel like a mindless chatbot carrying out it's programming, if I say nothing, I run the risk of appearing to be an insensitive prick.

 

[Inanimate]

I’m sorry that you’re sick of people saying they’re sorry.

They’re apologizing because they’re impotent (in regard to your circumstances). They’re not sorry because of your circumstances. They’ve been rendered helpless by the news, so they respond to perplexity in the form of “I’m sorry.”

It is wishy-washy in repetition, but at least it’s “polite.”

 

[sinking_ship]

Huh, see to me if someone is saying 'I'm sorry' in response to something that happened to me, I wouldn't ever think I'm obligated to say 'It's okay', because they're not apologizing. My response would be to say 'thanks', because they're expressing sympathy. Or maybe to shrug it off if I want to change the subject I guess.

I can see how it would get annoying to hear it a lot though, since it is kind of an automatic response and maybe doesn't always feel genuine.

 

[Inanimate]

I’m sorry that you’re sick of people saying they’re sorry.

They’re apologizing because they’re impotent (in regard to your circumstances). They’re not sorry because of your circumstances. They’ve been rendered helpless by the news, so they respond to perplexity in the form of “I’m sorry.”

It is wishy-washy in repetition, but at least it’s “polite.”

However, I do prefer it to someone presuming to give unsolicited advice. Helplessness at least isn’t patronizing.

 

[Harmony]

I get it too but it doesn't bother me. I think a few times I've heard "that must be hard for you" which is by far worse at stirring things up and moreover leaveing me feeling the need to reluctantly respond. I'll take "I'm sorry" and reply with a simple "thanks" and leave it at that anyday.

 

[alice202]

I wish more people would say it to me.

 

[Lisa the Ferrociraptor]

I wish more people would say it to me.

Interesting. I've found a lot of the feedback pretty useful, but i hadn't expected that answer. In that case, i'm sorry people don't say "i'm sorry" to you more.

 

[alice202]

Cynic Goat - my mom just died 6 months ago today, so its still pretty raw. Maybe after a few years I'll feel differently. I was amazed that some of the people at work didn't say a thing to me about my loss. I had taken 3 weeks off work to be with her when she was dying. When people said nothing I figured they didn't know. But even after I told them, a few people said nothing, like I was telling them it rained yesterday. I wonder why they couldn't express any sympathy... I would have loved to hear "I'm sorry for your loss" instead of them not even acknowledging this huge event in my life.

 

[Lisa the Ferrociraptor]

Cynic Goat - my mom just died 6 months ago today, so its still pretty raw. Maybe after a few years I'll feel differently. I was amazed that some of the people at work didn't say a thing to me about my loss. I had taken 3 weeks off work to be with her when she was dying. When people said nothing I figured they didn't know. But even after I told them, a few people said nothing, like I was telling them it rained yesterday. I wonder why they couldn't express any sympathy... I would have loved to hear "I'm sorry for your loss" instead of them not even acknowledging this huge event in my life.

For what it's worth, i am sorry for your loss, and i can understand how difficult that must be right now. 6 months is not long to process something like that, so i can understand how painful it must still be. I think this was the general idea of this thread, to gauge how people felt about the responses to that kind of news, because i feel like sometimes, the way people react to hearing that can be kind of crap, and it can just make it feel worse. I know how much it can hurt when people behave in a terrible way like that during such a hard time, so i'm also sorry you're having to deal with them. I remember a lot of kids around me not fully understanding the weight of death yet, and so they mocked me for my mother dying, and i remember the anger it made me feel. As many of the comments point out though, a lot of people just don't know how to handle that sort of thing, and maybe they're trying not to annoy you with too much sympathy or make you feel crowded. It's unfortunate that it's gone to the opposite end of the scale though, it is definitely something that should be acknowledged and respected as a serious event.

 

[alice202]

Cynic Goat - I guess when you are dealing with children its a different story. I remember when a friend of mine lost her father suddenly during high school. I didn't go to the wake and I didn't know what to say to her. So I avoided her until she seemed normal again. It wasn't a good response because she was a good friend. I think at that age nobody expects the death of a parent or sibling so there is a lot of denial. We also had several teens die in my high school class - 6 in 4 years, all in different ways. It affected me a lot, but I didn't know how to deal with it on a social level.

I'm 62 and the co-workers that annoy me are mature adults. So by that time you expect them to say something. I guess a lot of people just don't know how to be supportive. So they say the trite thing or say nothing. But so far I haven't felt annoyed at "I'm sorry for your loss" because at least it was an acknowledgment of my loss.

 

[DarkStarr*]

I agree, but I don't think anyone knows what else to say. That's simply the convention here. I'd be interested to know the convention in other countries, perhaps it is something we ourselves would like to use.

Something I've done in the past is simply to hold their hand and look them in the eyes, saying nothing. Those people seemed to appreciate the fact that they didn't have to answer anything.