It's slowly going downhill again. I'm watching everything that I thought would make life better slip away, the fake illusions they gave are nothing more then that, fake illusions. And I'm tired of waiting for this supposed time that everything would be better. It's never going to be. And now I feel foolish for allowing myself to actually get happy for a moment of my life. I think people at work are starting to notice something. They tell me that they've noticed that I seem like I've gotten "more tired" at work, like it's dragging me down. Luckily I can easily tell them about how staffing is annoying, or pick some part of work that they've told me that they don't like and it shifts away from me. They think now that I'm just annoyed/disappointed with work being how it is and have backed away- but since then I've carefully watched how often I smile, that I talk and answer questions 'happily.' I've learned how to mask my true feelings a long time ago; I've had to or I would have been discovered a long time ago. I messed up when I was 16, went through the therapist- who really did nothing. Luckily we couldn't afford to keep going so I got to stop going; got off the meds that she tried (that never worked) and learned how to mask myself. I'm tired of wearing the mask though, tired of having to smile when I want nothing more then to break down and cry. Yet I can't find the courage to tell anyone- how does someone even bring it up?! I see blogs where people just randomly told friends or family about how they felt. But I just don't see how they did it in reality. To my family my depression was nothing more then a situational depression that happened after a death. They don't know that I've wished I was dead since I was 10. I have no "real reason" to be depressed. I don't have "friends" here in town. So I can't just go out to a restaurant with them and spill the beans. It would have to be over the net, through a IM and hope that they didn't misunderstand me. I don't know I just think I'm tired. Tired of everything in this life.