Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by SaraRose, Dec 6, 2013.

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  1. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    It's slowly going downhill again. I'm watching everything that I thought would make life better slip away, the fake illusions they gave are nothing more then that, fake illusions. And I'm tired of waiting for this supposed time that everything would be better. It's never going to be. And now I feel foolish for allowing myself to actually get happy for a moment of my life.

    I think people at work are starting to notice something. They tell me that they've noticed that I seem like I've gotten "more tired" at work, like it's dragging me down. Luckily I can easily tell them about how staffing is annoying, or pick some part of work that they've told me that they don't like and it shifts away from me. They think now that I'm just annoyed/disappointed with work being how it is and have backed away- but since then I've carefully watched how often I smile, that I talk and answer questions 'happily.'

    I've learned how to mask my true feelings a long time ago; I've had to or I would have been discovered a long time ago. I messed up when I was 16, went through the therapist- who really did nothing. Luckily we couldn't afford to keep going so I got to stop going; got off the meds that she tried (that never worked) and learned how to mask myself.

    I'm tired of wearing the mask though, tired of having to smile when I want nothing more then to break down and cry. Yet I can't find the courage to tell anyone- how does someone even bring it up?! I see blogs where people just randomly told friends or family about how they felt. But I just don't see how they did it in reality. To my family my depression was nothing more then a situational depression that happened after a death. They don't know that I've wished I was dead since I was 10. I have no "real reason" to be depressed. I don't have "friends" here in town. So I can't just go out to a restaurant with them and spill the beans. It would have to be over the net, through a IM and hope that they didn't misunderstand me.

    I don't know I just think I'm tired. Tired of everything in this life.
  2. Graeme66

    Graeme66 Member

    Hey you,

    It's a crazy crazy world as someone once said. Singing it ? :~)

    I know how you feel about telling someone, for me it's how can I I'm always the one with the smiles and open arms for someone else, Tears of a clown I guess. It won't be easy and if it was then I think we would all be totally surprised how many of our friends/colleagues are probably feeling very similar. Personally I just want to be the real me and not, as you excellently put it, wearing the mask all the time.

    Your words have not fallen on deaf ears and if you can pick just one person to try and talk to then I am sure it will help. You got nothing to lose have ya? Say him who's just happy to sit alone all day and advise. Old dog and new tricks :).

    I know, if things don't change, then one day I'll just take my life nice and quietly. Just want to make sure I limit the pain for others when that happens though.

    If you've been happy then you can be again but it won't be easy on your own, so an IM is at least a start (if its to a stranger like me then I'm more than happy to listen)
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Sararose,

    That was actually my very first online user id when I first discovered computers and internet. I chose it cuz Sara is one of my favorite names and rose is one of my favorite flowers... so I thought it was a very beautiful name.. so I can imagine you are very beautiful too.... and it sounds like for sure you are beautiful on the inside.

    Now... I wanted to address a comment that you made:

    "I'm tired of wearing the mask though, tired of having to smile when I want nothing more then to break down and cry. Yet I can't find the courage to tell anyone- how does someone even bring it up?!"

    Well, first of all.... I am proud of you for finally wanting to take off the mask, thats a huge step and takes a lot of courage..
    Secondly, sometimes... there just is no easy way to tell a person, and you just have to blurt it out. Make sure that person is someone you can trust... like Graeme66 said, even if its just one person it helps a lot... as you get more comfortable talking about it, you can open up to others if you choose.
  4. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    I hope that soon I'll be able to find someone to bring it up to. Though the reality of it will be- I'll find some way to 'deal' with everything because I don't want to put any stress on anyone. It's easier to hide my depression so others don't have to worry about me.
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    if u keep doing that... 1 of 2 things will eventually happen

    #1 you will "explode" and rage at someone over nothing really big at all, and jsut take all your hurts out on that person
    #2 you will "implode" and sink rapidly into suicide, may even make an attempt

    neither of those things is nice... try to find someone to talk to, if you can't talk to a freind or family member, start going to a counselor
  6. Graeme66

    Graeme66 Member

    :hug2::hug2::hug2:Just remember that people will only worry about you if they want to and if they want to then you're denying them that pleasure. Tell the world and those that care will and those that don't won't.
  7. normaljoe

    normaljoe Well-Known Member

    I told my psych the other day how I used the phrase "I am tired" when ever people ask what is wrong or how am I doing, not matter what time of day, what the event, it is always the same..."I am tired". it is amazing How they have no clue what so ever what that phrase actually means. :( I am sorry you feel that way and I hope it gets better for you.
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