Tired

[Gonz]

I just tried to comfort my father while he cried that he just wanted everything to go back to normal, knowing he has only months to live.

This is on top of still getting used to recently becoming severely physically disabled.

And the person I’d talk to about all this, go to for comfort, is dead. I’m still horrified by how I found her.

Of course let’s not forget that I already had ptsd and bipolar disorder before any of this happened.

I’m trying to remain strong, or at least act that way, because the last thing anyone needs right now is me adding to their stress. I’ll be damned if my dad’s last months are about me. But I’m pretty much at my limit. All I do anymore is smoke weed and watch TV and try to distract myself from what my life has become.

I’m tired and I want to be done with it all.

 

[Unenthusiastic]

At least he is currently in a state where you can consciously interact with him, as heart-wrenching as it is. That's my "silver lining" approach, I suppose.

 

[MagickLynx]

Sorry you're going through this

 

[Harmony]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I relate to it so well with the passing of my parents during which time other family members made it about themselves. I think you are strong and admire the way you are handling it all. Just that speaks volumes about you as a person.

 

[Auri]

I wish I could help. You deserve better. If we lived closer, I'd come visit for a coffee. I'm sorry life is so difficult. I know it's probably useless and obvious advice, but what helps me in those moments is to force myself to think or enjoy what good I do have. It doesn't always work, we both know that, but there's really nothing else that helps me at least temporarily. I hope for the best for you.

 

[seabird]

I'm sorry it is so hard and there are so many serious burdens on you Gonz. I'm sending my thought here for you to have some relief from this even though I cannot think of ways to bring that about. Not at the moment, but somehow beyone, out of the temporal cage we all exist in for a while, I guess is the idea. Love to you and your family.

 

[Gonz]

My life sucks. My life has sucked since the beginning. Since before the beginning; even the circumstances around my birth were fucked up.

I touch on it all sometimes, but then I pull back because I feel like I’m whining. I try to focus on solutions, what to do about it all, but I’m so overwhelmed sometimes that I need to pause and get shit out. I try to describe how I feel, but I don’t have the words for it, can’t identify my feelings.

Sometimes I’ll just straightforwardly say the things that happened or are happening, and “use” a person’s empathy to try to get across how I feel. “Imagine this happened to you, how would you feel? That’s how I feel.”

But I don’t want to talk about those things. I’d much rather say how I’m feeling, how those things affect me, if that wasn’t so difficult.

 

[Gonz]

My dad’s doctor just said that he has months to live.

Every time I’ve dealt with death, it’s been an old person who’s tired and “ready” (for lack of a better word) or a young physically healthy person who didn’t see it coming.

The thought of living without him is bad enough, but seeing him upset and afraid and knowing there’s nothing I can do is killing me.

 

[Freya]

Gonz I'm so sorry you're going through this. I need you to know that talking about your feelings is not whining.

I understand completely that someone you love being scared and sad is the hardest thing - death is utter shite, of course, but there's some comfort in the knowledge that the person who died is free of the pain and fear. The "dying" part is somehow so much worse for everyone than the being dead part, which given how completely devastating the being dead part is, is really hard to process.

I know it's not much to say keep talking, but please know you're heard and youre cared for and you can vent and describe and release as much as you need to, as often as you need to.

 

[Gonz]

Gonz I'm so sorry you're going through this. I need you to know that talking about your feelings is not whining.

I understand completely that someone you love being scared and sad is the hardest thing - death is utter shite, of course, but there's some comfort in the knowledge that the person who died is free of the pain and fear. The "dying" part is somehow so much worse for everyone than the being dead part, which given how completely devastating the being dead part is, is really hard to process.

I know it's not much to say keep talking, but please know you're heard and youre cared for and you can vent and describe and release as much as you need to, as often as you need to.

When somebody I love is dead, the pain is mine. It fucking hurts and I hate it, but it’s not as bad as seeing them in pain and not being able to help.

I just want one day where I don’t have to think about anything awful. Sometimes there’s good to go along with the bad, but the bad is always there.

 

[Freya]

When somebody I love is dead, the pain is mine. It fucking hurts and I hate it, but it’s not as bad as seeing them in pain and not being able to help.

I just want one day where I don’t have to think about anything awful. Sometimes there’s good to go along with the bad, but the bad is always there.

I am with you 100% - bearing your own pain is painful (obviously) but it's not devastating in the same way as the pain of someone you love that you can't alleviate.

I wish I had anything at all useful to say - even a hint of an idea that would be helpful, but I don't. I am sure I don't know the half of the relentless parade of shit you're dealing with and have been dealing with, and even the parts I do know leave me a bit in awe of the strength and resilience you have in there. You deserve to not have to BE strong or resilient though - even if just briefly.

Keep talking. I know it might not feel like much but sometimes even the smallest release valve for the pressure in your brain can keep an explosion at bay.

 

[seabird]

hi Gonz
I wanted you to know I'm listening (reading).

Though no one's experience can help another's, I feel what you're saying in a sense because the end of my relaltionship means I'm experiencing the pain of my having failed my partner's hopes, so this adds to my pain of losing him, the house & plants, plus my stuff. Wow this sounds terribly petty as I write it. Sorry.

Perhaps the idea and feeling of not-being-alone takes the edges off for a while. I hope you feel that here. Though virual, the support is sincere.

hug

 

[Gonz]

When there’s something wrong I tend to ruminate on all the other things that have gone wrong and I get overwhelmed.

Thing is, there’s never not something wrong.

 

[Survivorist]

Stay with your father - for me this is pure respect, love... however you feel now (I imagine completely empty, sad and stressed). Right - watch TV, smoke your weed, relax when you can. Knowing that you die is the worse thing I can imagine. Accident, ok. Suddenly - ok. But like this... very hard. Especially without hope. My heart goes out to you (both).

 

[Gonz]

My father took a sudden turn for the worse yesterday. The doctors are saying he's got weeks at most left, maybe days. All they're talking about now is trying to make him more comfortable; they've given up on making him healthier.

I've spent most of the last 24 hrs in the hospital with him. He's been alternating between crying and napping. He looks just like my grandfather (his father) did at the end.

 

[KM76710]

Sad to hear the news about your dad, always tough when the end is coming up...

 

[SillyOldBear]

My father took a sudden turn for the worse yesterday. The doctors are saying he's got weeks at most left, maybe days. All they're talking about now is trying to make him more comfortable; they've given up on making him healthier.

I've spent most of the last 24 hrs in the hospital with him. He's been alternating between crying and napping. He looks just like my grandfather (his father) did at the end.

Sorry to hear this Gonz. I wish there was a way to ease death, both for the dying and the survivors. Be strong and be with your dad.

 

[1Lefty]

Gonz, I am so sorry

peace

 

[seabird]

Thoughts of comfort for your dad, and my heartfelt wishes to you @Gonz.

 

[Gonz]

I was visiting my dad again today. Parking was an absolute nightmare. Finally found a spot on the very top of the parking structure, only to see someone parked illegally in a handicapped spot.

I wanted to leave a note, something along the lines of “You just made it harder for a handicapped person to visit his dying father; I hope you feel good about your choices.” I had a pen and was looking for paper when I remembered that I can’t hand write anything anymore.

Luckily there was a tire iron in my trunk, so I just redecorated their truck instead. Don’t be an huge asshole right as you’re leaving one of your most valuable possessions unattended. Don’t leave your stuff in a place you‘re not allowed to, knowing that people are going to get pissed about it, and relying on their patience and goodwill to keep it safe. Some, especially those who are visiting hospitals, don’t have any patience or goodwill left.