Tired

[LumberJack]

I don't want to fight anymore. I'm doing the best I can and everything is still falling apart. I'm going broke and poverty means that I'll just die slowly anyway. Losing what paltry health coverage I have means that I wouldn't be able to refill my meds. Without those, I am done. No question. I've done that experiment but somehow a friend reminded me to try taking them again. I cannot describe the darkness of the place I went to. It made me feel like I should have died a long time ago and it was only the pills stopping my hand - so everything past that point is a farce.

That's how I feel again. I'm taking my meds, but lose the house, the care team, therapy all together and I won't even be begging on a street corner.

You'd think that would motivate me to look for a job more diligently. I would think that, too, except it actually makes me less interested. It's fucking hopeless and so it really is rational to not bother. Just relax and enjoy the few/several months I have left and then peace out. I should have died at birth. If not for an incubator, I would have. I should have died from my reckless drug use at least a few times - I've seen rock and movie stars accidentally OD on less. I should have died in a car crash a few times when I did something stupid at high speed and the only reason there was not a crash is that luck didn't happen to put another vehicle or a bridge or a retaining wall in the way.

Why tf should I keep resisting fate? I've survived too many times already. I don't belong in the universe and that is what my luck keeps telling me. Everything goes wrong even when it's good fortune. I swear I could win the lottery and the next day my bank account would be emptied because a freak software glitch zeroed out my account for no reason, except that the universe is trying to tell me to pack it up. I don't matter. Only my bank account matters. The only time I was ever taken seriously was when I had a good income and could access care that is out of reach to me now.

 

[Windhover]

I for one would miss you very much.

Could you move in with a friend or relaative.

 

[LumberJack]

I for one would miss you very much.

Could you move in with a friend or relaative.

I know - I think a few people on SF would. That's the hardest part about suicide, isn't it? It ends up hurting the people you love the most, and if anything gives your enemies something to gloat over. Yet, I kinda feel like that holds them hostage over me. If it weren't for this harsh reality, I'd have been gone a long-ass time ago. Only reason I got into therapy in the first place was a vague sense that it would be shitty for my mom to have to go to a funeral for one of her kids.

Speaking of her - I did talk with her about just this. If I don't have a job by June, there is no way I can renew this lease so I would be out on my ass with nowhere else to go because no income means you cannot sign a lease. It's okay with her if I crash in her spare room for a short time (I'm thinking two months max but it will be uncomfortable if it goes over 3 weeks), but believe me she was not enthused about the idea. Really, really, not enthused. I think that I will try brainstorming if other options might exist. I've heard about homeless shelters, though. They'd eat me tf alive there. I'm a bookworm and I don't have survival skills related to the urban jungle.

 

[LumberJack]

so. Just got off a call with a friend, not about this exactly but I did mention that I was having some scary thoughts and I told him the unvarnished truth about where I'd been/am. And then we talked about the philosophy of time, free will, and personal identity, The Avengers universe between the comics and the movies, oh and Star Wars. We both have ADHD only he has not been diagnosed yet, but I know he is because we can have these type of conversations. I feel a little unburdened. I still feel somewhat unsafe. I'm not going anywhere near something too dangerous, not even going to risk driving until tomorrow morning, which is not too significant because I would not be out and about anyway.

 

[AmberMarie]

i wish i had words. It feels as though we are both in that boat right now. Just please know you are cared greatly for and not just here in SF. So i will send all the hugs i can with the hopes that hugs can keep us above the water.

 

[LumberJack]

I'm jotting down a new observation. I feel better when I DO things that are kind to myself and others. It's much less effective if I try to NOT DO things that are damaging. Even with myself, tell me not to do something, and then I'm all over that thing. Too bad this doesn't hold with things that are good ideas, though. My aversion to w-o-r-k predominates over my oppositional/defiant characteristic.

Yesterday I spoke with a friend, in fact one of exactly 2 friends I have right now that I can be open about this with. Still felt like crap, but less crappy.

Today I went to a Buddhist recovery support thing and it's lately been the highlight of my entire week. I love the group dynamic because we all have aligned values and want to really do the deal with overcoming addiction and all other destructive cravings. Because of this alignment, there's a synergistic effect with each individual supported by each (well, most) other members. Same idea as "many hands make light work" if I got the words right. It's not just the extra hands, but also the emotional lift from working together.

This interests me in coming up with other actively uplifting things I might experiment with. Right now I would rather binge on Youtube.

 

[Something.idk]

I'm jotting down a new observation. I feel better when I DO things that are kind to myself and others. It's much less effective if I try to NOT DO things that are damaging. Even with myself, tell me not to do something, and then I'm all over that thing. Too bad this doesn't hold with things that are good ideas, though. My aversion to w-o-r-k predominates over my oppositional/defiant characteristic.

Yesterday I spoke with a friend, in fact one of exactly 2 friends I have right now that I can be open about this with. Still felt like crap, but less crappy.

Today I went to a Buddhist recovery support thing and it's lately been the highlight of my entire week. I love the group dynamic because we all have aligned values and want to really do the deal with overcoming addiction and all other destructive cravings. Because of this alignment, there's a synergistic effect with each individual supported by each (well, most) other members. Same idea as "many hands make light work" if I got the words right. It's not just the extra hands, but also the emotional lift from working together.

This interests me in coming up with other actively uplifting things I might experiment with. Right now I would rather binge on Youtube.

im glad you feel a bit better. The Buddhist recovery support group seems like a great idea. What other uplifting activities are you thinking of?
Binging on Youtube doesnt seem too bad either.

 

[LumberJack]

YouTube is not as toxic as other online things I get up to, but I have a problem not spending 3 hrs straight because I go into rabbit holes. Their algorithm knows this about me and so if I'm watching a comedy video for example, the next thing I see on my screen is a mix of politics and science.

I could get out into nature - going to start with going to a park, though. I have winter gear for the mountains so a hike in the cold is appealing. I run too hot as it is and cold air would allow me to exercise. It's hellish warm in the urban area. Been high 60's for almost every day since Dec 3, which was the first day it was below 70 since the summer. Normal winter temps here are 40 for the high, but the majority of the day is less. So 65-72 is 25+ degrees over average.

The challenge is the planning to go somewhere and make sure I remember my gear as well as be careful the day before not to fry myself so that I'll have enough energy to deal with the altitude.

At some point I need to get face to face contact with other humans that is outside the recovery (mental health and substance problems both) context. Thinking about trying to find something like open mic night or just live music at a cafe. At a cafe is better because less crowded and not as tied to drinking for me.

Creative activities like dusting off my instrument and practicing again or using my adult coloring book and glitter pens. Or reading for enjoyment. I usually only read things that add professional skills or have to do with meditation and/or recovery.