I don't know, I read through some posts and felt like crap and cried and stopped and felt an evil-kind-of-happy that people were hurting (whats that word for 'shameful joy?) and cried and felt dead and felt fine. Over the course of about half an hour. I'm alright now. I think I'll cry later. Other people get that too, suddenly feel hopeless and tired and sad, and then cry for a bit. Over nothing. What is that? The feeling I really hate is when I'm out with friends (ha) or family and I suddenly feel terrified. I feel so scared in my stomache and I don't know why. I go cold and sweaty and then feel my face get hot. I hate that feeling. Its awful. It gets worse the more I stay inside, like if I don't go out for months, then go to my aunt's place. I don't really have any friends. I thought I did (a year ago), but I think I'm easy to let go of. Its no big fucking loss to never talk to me again. This happened to me with 3 SEPERATE people. They just stopped talking to me, didn't answer their phone, canceled their plans. Its me. Maybe if one person did it, she's a bitch...but three. They weren't just acquaintances, they were really close friends. And they just stopped. whatever. That happened about a year ago...but I still went out with my boyfriend. Not anymore. He had been cheating on me with a couple diffrent girls. Alrighty. I'm a good person. I'm a good person. I am. I was. Stupid words, they CAN'T say whats really going on! Everything sounds so stupid and insincere. When I was younger I used to cut myself and make myself throw up. That was years ago. Kind of funny, now I just bite myself. I eat when I'm bored and lonely. I quit my job. I really don't go outside much. I'm just tired. Everytime I found out I was lied to I kind of lost feelings, or maybe gained the wrong kind. I felt a dull anger and controled hate. I feel that way more often, and it makes me smile. Does anyone do that too, you get a mean, happy depression? wtf is that..I lie in bed and think all these terrible things and I slowly start to smile, and it feels good (not happy, definetly not happy). And then I get all these strange thoughts about super villains smiling when they do something evil. Anyway, I'm not wishing myself into non-existence at the momment, so I guess I'm done. I've never written that before, or said it. Its nice. SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS DEAD. Now some people know how I really feel. Thats nice. Although I doubt anyone will read this, its a little loooooong.