[TMI warning] I confess: I kept refusing myself and tried to "like" it

[I_waste_everything]

I hate this. It's the kardia of the ugly, the deepest worst that I have tormented for "decades" over. And it's what I've still refused to address even as I've finally told my family what happened and started thinking about the disgusting and all about it.

I remember I didn't like it. That much is true. But what I keep refusing to admit to myself is that I faked "liking" it not only on the outside, but also within. Reacted as if I did. Misprogrammed short runtimes in myself to act as if I did and fake inside, "I like this, I like this."

So hard to get any words out. That's the most I can at the moment. This may be the next big thing I confide in Mom and Dad. It should be! This is the kardia, the last monster to cut out of its hiding place and expose it to burning light of truth. If I can push myself to please, just do this, the healing- and my work toward unlearning what is wrong and learning what is right- can finally begin.

I'm so ashamed, it's challenging. But I must.

 

[I_waste_everything]

I hate this. It's the kardia of the ugly, the deepest worst that I have tormented for "decades" over....

Actually I'm remembering other things that are kardia of the ugly. This isn't the only thing. It is, however, a vital chamber of it, and admitting it and exposing it is paramount to recovery.

 

[I_waste_everything]

Remembering more of the disgusting actions that I cooperated with. This applies to those too. I am disgusted and angry at myself. I didn't even stop to think I could use my voice to demand it stop! I didn't think to admit to myself that it's time to stop pretending and to admit how disgusting it feels!

In this moment I feel the filth in my hide, my flesh, is disgusting, contaminated, and I wish I could shed it to become less unclean, so I could then focus on torment to pay the price for my soul.

I have been forcing myself to remember facts and feeling disgusting and revolting as I look the ugly more directly. I have writhed and skincrawltholed and lamented and disgusted through hours, double-digit-spans-of-hours, entire days of feeling like the most unsanitary humanoid organic thing on earth. I still haven't killed myself. I'm learning and ... gaining something, though I can't beckon it in this moment.

So, holding on through this new wave of self-disgust. Anger. And shame. Shame. Shame. SHAME!!!!

I still feel so ugly.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you're going through traumatic memories and negative emotions.

You're not to blame for what happened to you. Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[I_waste_everything]

Now have begun looking again into room where large proportion of events occurred.

Confirming to myself in memory that occasionally I ... invited it. Invited it!

I am at fault. This is what I mean most of the time when I say it's my fault. I didn't just relent and let it inflict. That, I've reluctantly slowly begun to cautiously allow myself was somewhat involuntary.

I'm at fault because I actively started asking for it. I felt disgusting but I devolved to that anyway. I could do something so disgusting that I knew was wrong but still felt too afraid to finally tell my parents about it. I'm so disgusting. I'm ugly. I'm disgusting.

I worry I did "like" it. Except when I think about it, I know that I don't. But I deceived myself into "liking" it. For that, and the above, I can't forgive myself, at least yet. And I feel it would be so right to punish me for soiling this could-have-been-a-life, by annihilating myself from this universe.

 

[may71]

Confirming to myself in memory that occasionally I ... invited it. Invited it!

No one invites child sex abuse. There is nothing a child can do that can be interpreted as a justification or invitation for child sex abuse.

I'm so disgusting

You're not disgusting

And I feel it would be so right to punish me for soiling this could-have-been-a-life, by annihilating myself from this universe.

No, it would be totally wrong to kill yourself as punishment for a crime that you were only the victim of.

 

[seabird]

We'll be here for you while you're working on this, all these memories. Take breaks from the it all, from time ti time, in an effort to care for yourself. We're here and we believe you're worth it.