Venting to be blunt, want to kill myself and need advice for if i change my mind

[dedd]

(sorry if duplicate threads arent allowed. mods are free to delete i wont be offended)

sorry if none of what i say makes a lot of sense, im in a very odd state and so expressing myself through words is difficult at the moment. sorry if im just spitting nonsense, and im sorry if i sound a bit overdramatic or as if im seeking attention of any kind. i thank anyone for their time anyway

ive spent maybe an hour and a half digging for an answer of some kind for a specific scenario. i want to kill myself, as soon as possible. but as i have time and time again i imagine ill walk back on it. usually i attempt in my own home, but i want to go on a walk somewhere far away from my new apartment since me and my brother now share a room. i dont want to ruin his new room for him. i will be a bit far from my house, so it will be harder for me to change my mind from nerves or anything like that. i wont be able to crawl back into bed and forget about it.

if i do change my mind, what would happen if i walked into a hospital and told them i want to kill myself. would they turn me away? i dont want to make a fool out of myself, and if it isnt an option for me i want to know that so im less likely to talk myself out of it. and i imagine if im turned away i will probably be more inclined to do it. for full context im 20 and like in the uk.

im sorry if this makes no sense, i just like to know exactly what im doing before i do it. i have nobody else to turn to as all of my friends ive had for a very long time ended up being the ones making me worse. im kind of alone. if a hospital will help me even just for a night should i change my mind then ill accept that as my only option

 

[Lostman85]

Dedd no the hospital wont turn you away it will help you if your in that deep pain. You have every right to live a pain free life and well deserved dont let that pain win. Ive been there and it does help. You sound like a good person so stay strong you got this.

 

[dedd]

Dedd no the hospital wont turn you away it will help you if your in that deep pain. You have every right to live a pain free life and well deserved dont let that pain win. Ive been there and it does help. You sound like a good person so stay strong you got this.

thank you for the response i appreciate it a lot. do you know what the process would be? would i just be asked to sit and wait?? would i be put on psych hold?? i definetely dont want to go to the hospital if theyre going to hold me. if i change my mind i want it to be private, i dont want anyone else knowing

 

[Lostman85]

Yes they will take right in and talk to you then they will put in psych ward its not bad at all. They help with putting on meds to help. You will get the help you need. It helps i can tell you that much. It happened to me around your age and 41 now. So if i can do it you can. You just got to walk through doors and tell them. You got this

 

[dedd]

Yes they will take right in and talk to you then they will put in psych ward its not bad at all. They help with putting on meds to help. You will get the help you need. It helps i can tell you that much. It happened to me around your age and 41 now. So if i can do it you can. You just got to walk through doors and tell them. You got this

i dont really like that my options are suicide or the ward. i appreciate the response regardless. will they still put me in a ward if i make it clear im not going to kill myself if they let me go? even if im lying i dont know if i can go to the ward right now. even going to the hospital is scary as i have a fear of doctors. plus i think the isolation would be worse for me, especially if they dont let me have my phone. sorry for all the questions, i do genuinely appreciate the response

 

[Lostman85]

Just try and strong you know unless you try im sure you have friends family that love ya. Stay strong buddy life will get better

 

[may71]

i imagine if im turned away i will probably be more inclined to do it. for full context im 20 and like in the uk

I think you should definitely try to find a way to live. We can try to help you. I hope you won't pin your fate on how a hospital responds.

I have a friend in the UK, or maybe I should say had, because I haven't heard from her in a long time so I think she might be dead now. In any case, she had gone many times to hospital and told them she was suicidal, and they turned her away.

A lot may vary from place to place. She was in Manchester, and things might be quite a bit worse there than other places.

At least some of the time what they'd do is have her sit in a room for a while by herself. Usually they'd turn off the light while she was in there. I don't know if that was meant to test her reaction, but maybe.

My impression from what others here have posted is that the NHS has gone to shit to a significant degree, so getting turned away from a hospital is not a reflection of your value as a human being and does not indicate an accurate assessment of your need, but is rather a sign of how poorly funded and overburdened the NHS is. Of course I can't speak about the NHS from direct experience, but it doesn't seem to be in good shape based on what I've read from members here.

There are some suicide respite houses in the UK, but I think they will likely have a long waiting list. It still might be a good idea to get on the waiting list now even if you don't expect to be alive by the time your turn comes around.

This link below is from 2017 but hopefully will still have good info:

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/sanctuary-for-the-suicidal-uk.135054/#post-1553625

Do you want to say why you want to kill yourself?