To my end

[Mimino]

I'm getting scars and bruises on my body, I'm day drinking. I don't want to be around for much longer, I think I want to go out and just kill myself already. In the most gentle place, the most tender of circumstance, I hit myself and repulse anyone that'll love me, I make a maze of scars on my chest to make myself ugly, so they won't put their hands there. And alcohol, I can't ever sleep, not even drinking will make me fall asleep. I can't think, there's no rest for my soul. I think I've done everything wrong, every wish is now dead. Why am I only getting worse? Because I act worse, I'm an addict. Addicted to sex, to pornography, to alcohol, and to self-abuse. I thought I was going to stay as pure as possible, but now I'll take the way out. No one can help me, I just want to lie on someone's lap and have them comfort me, but they all want something else. Men and women just want my body and I'm abused for it. Of all things, I get bruises from that. It's like I've been dragged to hell, I'm sorry I go on. I want to end it either get the highest and fundemental hope I have another chance or die in my sin. I cannot see a future with me in it. Please just kill me. I can't say I love anyone anoymore. Please, I've lost belief in so much, I don't know what to think.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry things are so bad.

Sending hugs if you would like hugs

 

[Lara_C]

Please, I've lost belief in so much, I don't know what to think.

It seems you've lost belief in yourself Mimino because you're defining yourself by what you see as your mistakes, but mistakes are part of the human condition and we all make them. If there was nothing more to us than that, there would be no hope for any of us, and I'm sure you wouldn't judge and condemn someone you loved because of their imperfections as you would see goodness in them beyond the weaknesses we all share. That same goodness is in you too and you can find it if you just slow down the self hating thoughts and let it surface. Think about how you would treat someone you cared about who was feeling as bad as you are now. Would you treat them harshly or would you be kind and try to help? You can apply that to yourself and forgive yourself as you would forgive someone you cared about.