I'm sorry you're in this boat, and this situation
@dying_inside ~now, it may (still) be worth your while, to go & get yourself checked out, just to make, or to be sure, that you did not do any long lasting damage to yourself. Even though, it may not seem like it now (it is sometimes hard to tell, or self-judge/evaluate). And, I know you probably don't care all that much, given that you feel the way you do. However, if you do decide or choose, to stick around - which is what we all want - then you may change your mind (depending on what's been done). I really wish you could see a better future for yourself. Are you sure you're not just coming up with this answer, as a means to finding a way out of, or an escape from, all that you feel has gone wrong, or is not quite right with your life? I realize that there is a tremendous amount of distress that is excruciating for you to be dealing with at present. As your title of this, so aptly puts it, or says. My point is, that you may be not in your best frame of mind, or thinking (on the matter) is all... Many of these issues, such as those feelings you say you are still struggling with, and dealing with, seem workable. Or that with the right kind of help, and given the proper time to align with, so that you can find yourself in a situation where your circumstances will have changed, and hopefully for the better (such as a new job, maybe?). I mean, who knows how that might not change your outlook on life then? Perhaps you can meet some one there! You just don't know. It feels like you do. Because all now is doom & gloom. Trust me, I know, I've been there before & it is very difficult to combat these feelings of hopelessness, and how or when one is, also at the same time, feeling so defeated. It's as if every move is countered by a fatal (seemingly, or negative impacting/or inflicting) blow. So we try and do good - only to have the opposite result occur, or happen to us. Yes, then it is hard not to feel somewhat cursed, for all that matters, cares or gives. When no matter what we try, how much momentum is established, won or gained. Sooner or later, someone or something, is going to come along & "pull the rug, out from underneath us!" So, I understand what (it is) you are saying--however, I am also offering you a counterpoint, of some other ways of viewing your situation. And also from a more outside, and therefore, objective (hopefully) point of view, &/or perspective. Here's hoping you'll give life, instead of death, one more shot, or another opportunity. Because not only do you seem like you deserve it. But it seems as though a great deal of potential would be wasted. And obviously, a catastrophic loss to all of us here. And then also there, in your world & every day (life). Hoping then, you can reconsider and that at some point, hopefully soon. . . You can catch a genuine or decent 'break,' to help turn your fortunes. At least enough to where you can find facing some of these challenges, difficulties & obstacles, in a little more of a workable and feasible, or easy to handle, manner & way~ mr. b :^) Because no matter what: it isn't as impossible, or insurmountable, as it may seem. Believe me!
my friend I am sorry you are in so much pain