Well i think that since my childhood i have a sense of shame instilled within me. By the time i was about 10 i figured out that i shouldn’t tell people what i’m interested in because pretty much all of my interests at this point were made fun of.
A nine year old me started to watch MLP equestrian girls which was obviously completely appropriate for my age but when i asked my sister for approval to watch it she snorted at me and shortly after i stopped watching it.
I even remember seeing the MLP friendship is magic show on Netflix and many other shows like this and deciding i couldn’t watch it because my family all shared the same account and i didn’t have my own. If they could see what i was watching i believed they would make fun of me as they did with nearly everything that i enjoyed on my own. If someone gave me a suggestion for a show to watch i couldn’t be made fun of because then i’d just go “well so and so told me to watch it” and they’d leave me alone but if it was by my own choice i’d be mocked. There was also my siblings making fun of my drawings which i used to hide from them because of this but they stopped because i got into a fight over it once when i was 12 or maybe just turning 13 idk.
I think things changed at some point at about age 12 where i realised that they stopped reacting negatively to my more childish interests (my singing monsters(AHHH THE MEMORIES I NEED TO PLAY IT AGAAAAAAIN) and Sonic CD and btw these interests lasted about two years so i was 14-15 by the time i was done) and so i only showed those whilst hiding my other interests. I think because i’m second youngest my siblings began to unknowingly put this pressure on me to act innocent?? or whatever they think and still to this day if they are talking about an inappropriate term and i ask what they’re talking about they’ll go “it’s disgusting don’t tell her” as if i haven’t been on the internet before? This happened like 2-3 weeks ago again when they were talking about two girls one cup and i was like well who doesn’t know what that is? (never watched the video but i knew it’d be something inappropriate. Well either that or i tried to find it and it didn’t come up lol).
Anyways, multiple times i have found myself accidentally playing into it like it’s this role i’m meant to play so sometimes i’ll go “oh i’m not supposed to know that let me pretend i don’t know” without thinking and this is made even more awkward by the even more embarrassing fact that i have had a p*rn addiction since the age of twelve except nobody has ever found that out and i hope they never do, especially since they’re all Christian and i’m a closeted agnostic. I am trying to quit but it’s even harder for me knowing that the reason for it is loneliness and yet i don’t have any friends to fill that hole (i did make progress yesterday by choosing to journal instead when i felt the urge to watch it and i haven’t had as many sexual thoughts since).
Anyways so what does this all come down to? I kind of lost what i was supposed to be talking about. Music has always been very very sacred to me and is a pretty huge part of my life and all. After my r&b phase (which i believed i would get bullied for before i realised my siblings also liked r&b), i stopped telling anyone what music i listen to. I eventually got into rock when i was 13 and had this embarrassing thing for like a year where i’d sing in my bedroom and not realise anyone could hear me (ewewewew i thought i was so secretive) and well i guess my siblings probably thought i did it for attention. My sister hinted at it once but i was too naive at the time to get it.
Well nowadays i’m into even more experimental stuff, so no way my siblings would ever take that well. I am absolutely not showing them Death Grips. One of my favourite bands ever (well like quite literally the best band of all time), Boards of Canada are releasing a new album on May 29th and are currently on tour for the first time in 21 years and everyones really hyped about it. I don’t know i feel like all these memories were coming back immediately when they announced the tour because i was upset about not being able to go seeing as my siblings don’t even know they exist. I had this funny idea where i wrote a letter as the two members from BoC and they were begging me to come but were too broke to pay for my tickets and i’m sad i couldn’t use it cuz it was super funny. It’s still in an envelope beside my bed collecting dust.
Luckily, barely anyone got tickets because in each country the venues only held 250-300 people so they were sold out almost immediately. Unluckily for me, there will be unofficial listening parties in record stores on the 28th of May and i really, really want to go but i can’t tell my siblings what i like, i don’t have any friends to take me and i don’t go outside at all and therefore don’t know any places, so it’s not like i could avoid telling them if i wanted to go.
I dunno man this whole situation has just brought out a level of shame i’ve felt for ages but not this badly. I mean i am quite literally missing a once in a lifetime opportunity because i’m too embarrassed to tell anyone what i like. Now i’m thinking of the move I Saw the TV Glow and the whole metaphor about the grave and burying yourself but i just can’t pluck up the courage to do that. It’s really stupid because i know i’d be fine if i told them. They’d get over my liking a band quickly enough. I mean some BoC songs sound like pre-Minecraft Minecraft music and i’m sure they’d like that. Maybe i just need to delude myself into believing they’d like it.
But i’m not so sure now with this new album. The visuals they’ve released have included very obvious cult imagery which they’ve always been obsessed with but i could simply put that up to simply being apart of their 70s aesthetic. But they’ve also included also even more hexagons (according to my very Christian mother this would be demonic symbolism of sorts 😔) so i don’t think i’d be able to show them the new stuff without raising some eyebrows. I mean their latest song literally includes a narration from God (how’d they even get him to feature?) so i’m certain they wouldn’t let that slide.
Honestly i need to risk it. I’m nearly dying at the fact that i could meet other fans there because i don’t know anyone else who likes them. I must now spend my day imagining the best possible scenario and planning my presentation for this. Wish me luck people who are probably also suicidal i think.
A nine year old me started to watch MLP equestrian girls which was obviously completely appropriate for my age but when i asked my sister for approval to watch it she snorted at me and shortly after i stopped watching it.
I even remember seeing the MLP friendship is magic show on Netflix and many other shows like this and deciding i couldn’t watch it because my family all shared the same account and i didn’t have my own. If they could see what i was watching i believed they would make fun of me as they did with nearly everything that i enjoyed on my own. If someone gave me a suggestion for a show to watch i couldn’t be made fun of because then i’d just go “well so and so told me to watch it” and they’d leave me alone but if it was by my own choice i’d be mocked. There was also my siblings making fun of my drawings which i used to hide from them because of this but they stopped because i got into a fight over it once when i was 12 or maybe just turning 13 idk.
I think things changed at some point at about age 12 where i realised that they stopped reacting negatively to my more childish interests (my singing monsters(AHHH THE MEMORIES I NEED TO PLAY IT AGAAAAAAIN) and Sonic CD and btw these interests lasted about two years so i was 14-15 by the time i was done) and so i only showed those whilst hiding my other interests. I think because i’m second youngest my siblings began to unknowingly put this pressure on me to act innocent?? or whatever they think and still to this day if they are talking about an inappropriate term and i ask what they’re talking about they’ll go “it’s disgusting don’t tell her” as if i haven’t been on the internet before? This happened like 2-3 weeks ago again when they were talking about two girls one cup and i was like well who doesn’t know what that is? (never watched the video but i knew it’d be something inappropriate. Well either that or i tried to find it and it didn’t come up lol).
Anyways, multiple times i have found myself accidentally playing into it like it’s this role i’m meant to play so sometimes i’ll go “oh i’m not supposed to know that let me pretend i don’t know” without thinking and this is made even more awkward by the even more embarrassing fact that i have had a p*rn addiction since the age of twelve except nobody has ever found that out and i hope they never do, especially since they’re all Christian and i’m a closeted agnostic. I am trying to quit but it’s even harder for me knowing that the reason for it is loneliness and yet i don’t have any friends to fill that hole (i did make progress yesterday by choosing to journal instead when i felt the urge to watch it and i haven’t had as many sexual thoughts since).
Anyways so what does this all come down to? I kind of lost what i was supposed to be talking about. Music has always been very very sacred to me and is a pretty huge part of my life and all. After my r&b phase (which i believed i would get bullied for before i realised my siblings also liked r&b), i stopped telling anyone what music i listen to. I eventually got into rock when i was 13 and had this embarrassing thing for like a year where i’d sing in my bedroom and not realise anyone could hear me (ewewewew i thought i was so secretive) and well i guess my siblings probably thought i did it for attention. My sister hinted at it once but i was too naive at the time to get it.
Well nowadays i’m into even more experimental stuff, so no way my siblings would ever take that well. I am absolutely not showing them Death Grips. One of my favourite bands ever (well like quite literally the best band of all time), Boards of Canada are releasing a new album on May 29th and are currently on tour for the first time in 21 years and everyones really hyped about it. I don’t know i feel like all these memories were coming back immediately when they announced the tour because i was upset about not being able to go seeing as my siblings don’t even know they exist. I had this funny idea where i wrote a letter as the two members from BoC and they were begging me to come but were too broke to pay for my tickets and i’m sad i couldn’t use it cuz it was super funny. It’s still in an envelope beside my bed collecting dust.
Luckily, barely anyone got tickets because in each country the venues only held 250-300 people so they were sold out almost immediately. Unluckily for me, there will be unofficial listening parties in record stores on the 28th of May and i really, really want to go but i can’t tell my siblings what i like, i don’t have any friends to take me and i don’t go outside at all and therefore don’t know any places, so it’s not like i could avoid telling them if i wanted to go.
I dunno man this whole situation has just brought out a level of shame i’ve felt for ages but not this badly. I mean i am quite literally missing a once in a lifetime opportunity because i’m too embarrassed to tell anyone what i like. Now i’m thinking of the move I Saw the TV Glow and the whole metaphor about the grave and burying yourself but i just can’t pluck up the courage to do that. It’s really stupid because i know i’d be fine if i told them. They’d get over my liking a band quickly enough. I mean some BoC songs sound like pre-Minecraft Minecraft music and i’m sure they’d like that. Maybe i just need to delude myself into believing they’d like it.
But i’m not so sure now with this new album. The visuals they’ve released have included very obvious cult imagery which they’ve always been obsessed with but i could simply put that up to simply being apart of their 70s aesthetic. But they’ve also included also even more hexagons (according to my very Christian mother this would be demonic symbolism of sorts 😔) so i don’t think i’d be able to show them the new stuff without raising some eyebrows. I mean their latest song literally includes a narration from God (how’d they even get him to feature?) so i’m certain they wouldn’t let that slide.
Honestly i need to risk it. I’m nearly dying at the fact that i could meet other fans there because i don’t know anyone else who likes them. I must now spend my day imagining the best possible scenario and planning my presentation for this. Wish me luck people who are probably also suicidal i think.
Last edited:
