I was applying for a foreign university and it didn't work out , if you know. If you didn't , now you do. I needed my uncle's help once ( at the very last when nothing was working out ) and because I refused to take it or tell him or my brother earlier on , he said " yeah , you should do this when you're capable enough yourself. " Really didn't have any thing in me to feel any hope. I really dislike this country , but more so , I never imagined studying here. I envisioned myself studying where I was planning to years ago. I really believed in it somehow. Or maybe I didn't but I always envisioned myself studying there only. I however, because had to , took the next best step in my opinion. I applied for a test that allows you to get into universities , mainly in the country. I filled the form all by myself while my uncle begged me a few times to help me so he could get the whole power dynamic and abuse it , shallow ego maybe as well , nonetheless not my problem. I didn't take his help at all and successfully was able to do all the steps. And I did mess up a little , I am gonna share ahead but I was really proud of myself and I am. So , I am planning to go to a very far away University from home. It's very like probably the farthest okay. Studying there won't be too expensive hopefully , only the initial costs for shifting stuff and maybe travel expenses. But , I am not planning to come home often so it shouldn't matter. If I do manage to get into it , it would be okay maybe. It was not my first choice but my first choice is too close to home and in a city I dislike , also I messed up while choosing the subjects in the form and lack of information beforehand because a lot was going on in my life and it was my first time filling up the form after whatever went downhill last time , I know I did my best but nonetheless I messed up so I can't get into that University. There were 4 cities I was looking forward to getting admission but there are no colleges suitable for me there which sucks so bad actually because I think I could get a lot of opportunities and exposure there. The city I am planning to go to , doesn't seem very happening , seems very distant. I don't have high hopes from the education programme either. Tbh I wouldn't have gone to college only if I had a good family. But this is my option / plan. I don't know , I am not sure about this choice but I do want to be faraway from home and I feel I can figure out whatever if I am at distant place even if that place isn't very happening. Obviously rest I would get to know when that happens , if it does. I also messed up while filling in my exam cities option. I was excited then , I am nervous and just so anxious , I don't even wanna give it to be honest , now. All these cities are very bustling , big , faraway from home. The problem is , I come from a small town. I wasn't allowed and am not allowed to go explore by myself. I struggle with confidence and self esteem issues and other things for plenty of reasons. The traffic noise , the busy environment of city , I have also felt less than or have been looked down by city people before. It's like a whole new terrifying world that is not good because it's just not. The world is not a good place , I know it's not all terrible but the good feels rare. Plus , YK the vibes of your country right. I know which cities I am talking about. The worse part ? I will be going with my father to whatever city I would be going to and I would have to go 4 separate times. There will be four exams. He is abusive yes. He can get very annoyed with noise and wastage of money , time according to him. The exam itself will be computer based. I never gave it before. I am planning to practice it on a computer while visiting library temporarily. Mhm. I might be forced to use the home pc but I don't wanna use it , belongs to my uncle. My father will also say stuff to take me so far cause he told me to change the cities but I missed the last date to edit it. I paid extra money for that first choice University as a back up plan if despite all my efforts I won't be able to go to this farthest University. And now I am not even eligible but I would still have to give exams and study cause I paid money and I am planning to not tell my family about it because they don't know about my planning or why I chose what I did. They are thinking that I will choose the university according to the marks I will get in the exams. Anyways, there are obviously more universities that can become back up plans.
It's going to be in less than 2 months. I am not ready. I don't even wanna give it. I am really anxious. I just want to magically shift to another country away from everything while carrying all that truly matters to me here.
Huge huge thing, I don't know how am I gonna carry stuff to the university. Truck system isn't really a thing or I don't feel my parents would approve whatever. They won't allow me to carry everything that matters to me there , I am really afraid of that.
I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of saying goodbye without me even realising or getting a proper chance to. My finals will end , currently going on , as soon as that happens , the studying and shit for these exams then college. Fuck , no. Wait. Stop. No. This is too much and I can't do it. Everything's happening too fast. I am really really scared and anxious and just filled with a lot of grief regarding a lot of things and I , I absolutely hate how terrible the system is that doesn't allow space for goodbyes. You just can't expect me to move on. But people do , but that's not me and I shouldn't compare.
I might have seen some of my classmates for the last time today , or idk when that was or will happen. Had some events planned ahead , everything is happening too fast.
I am really really really really really really not ready. And I just don't wanna go but I do wanna go but I don't wanna go like this.
I want time. I thought it won't be so juggled up but it is. Fuck this. It almost feels cruel. I do think it is cruel. You're literally giving no chills to no one before you're ending school, setting up that exam , planning to move and then just fucking move.
Where's the space to breathe ? To slow down , to feel , to reflect. Why are we fucking constantly chasing the next big thing. Are you happy being a numb robot.
I just feel I am not not made to survive in this world and I will be so badly crushed the moment I step foot out. I am not ready.
It's going to be in less than 2 months. I am not ready. I don't even wanna give it. I am really anxious. I just want to magically shift to another country away from everything while carrying all that truly matters to me here.
Huge huge thing, I don't know how am I gonna carry stuff to the university. Truck system isn't really a thing or I don't feel my parents would approve whatever. They won't allow me to carry everything that matters to me there , I am really afraid of that.
I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of saying goodbye without me even realising or getting a proper chance to. My finals will end , currently going on , as soon as that happens , the studying and shit for these exams then college. Fuck , no. Wait. Stop. No. This is too much and I can't do it. Everything's happening too fast. I am really really scared and anxious and just filled with a lot of grief regarding a lot of things and I , I absolutely hate how terrible the system is that doesn't allow space for goodbyes. You just can't expect me to move on. But people do , but that's not me and I shouldn't compare.
I might have seen some of my classmates for the last time today , or idk when that was or will happen. Had some events planned ahead , everything is happening too fast.
I am really really really really really really not ready. And I just don't wanna go but I do wanna go but I don't wanna go like this.
I want time. I thought it won't be so juggled up but it is. Fuck this. It almost feels cruel. I do think it is cruel. You're literally giving no chills to no one before you're ending school, setting up that exam , planning to move and then just fucking move.
Where's the space to breathe ? To slow down , to feel , to reflect. Why are we fucking constantly chasing the next big thing. Are you happy being a numb robot.
I just feel I am not not made to survive in this world and I will be so badly crushed the moment I step foot out. I am not ready.
