[trigger] Confession: A Wrong wish of mine,, but one I have sometimes

[I_waste_everything]

I know this is wrong, and most of the time I know that.

But my letting myself be coerced and participating in it, and my only "sexual" experience being from a male perpetrator, has messed me up so much sexually, that I sometimes now wish this. Turn away if sensitive to certain concepts:

Although I wish never to have been coerced or touched in that way at all at that age, if I was going to be, I sometimes wish I'd choose to be "coerced" by a female peer instead.

Although I'd still feel the powerlessness and shame of giving in, at least then my exclusive "sexual" experience would be compatible with my sexual orientation. If that would happen, maybe now I'd feel by this rough timestamp like it was legitimate experimentation in which I was submissive, instead of unclean and like I deliberately chose to be unforgivable-disgusting. And even if I feel unclean-disgusting, the fact it would be at least aligned with my innate orientation must surely mean I'd be more able to heal and come to terms with it than I have in this wasted-attempt iteration of my life.

I know it's wrong. But I'm so messed up, and I messed up so bad, sometimes I feel like the best I can do is bargain to be sexually coerced by someone different, that I'm too unclean and my participation was too deliberate- and plenty else is fault of mine.

 

[Oizys Moros]

many times no one has the right words to say to help us heal through our feelings of disgust, uncleanliness, and sufferings.

In all of how you feel, know that at that time of your submissiveness, you weren’t as full of wisdom like you are now. Plainly, you may not have known. And although some mistakes shape our opinion of ourselves for longer than we should allow it, we can come to a place where we accept that we couldn’t foresee the aftermath or future from our behavior.

But we don’t have to live in condemnation.

A do-over is great if there’s no residue from what we’ve experienced. But our brain reminds us of what we’d like to suppress.

Purging our impurities is possible. Redemption is possible. ***spiritually*** I can share more about this if you are open to it. Not a fix all but a beginning to internal healing that I can share.

I sincerely wish that your healing breakthrough comes about soon as you struggle with your thoughts and emotions regarding this.