Triggered

[BornFree]

My favorite Aunt was murdered horrifically 4 yrs ago by 2 young guys, they were caught thankfully and sentenced. The whole incident and loss of one of the last few people who truly understood and still cared totally shook me to the core and sent me on the downward spiral. I thought I was evening myself out a bit, but as the anniversary of her death and missing her so much has been on my mind so much I searched to see if there was news of those 2 guys and if they were getting paroled.
Oh God I wish I hadn't, I found a new article I hadn't seen at the time. My one consolation was that they had killed her quickly and that she didn't suffer, now I see in this article that she was still alive when they shoved her in her car. AND in the article it said that they only killed her for her car!!! At the time their motive was unclear.
I am so devastated all over again, she was the nicest lady everyone said so and after all she did to help this demon kid who killed her I am so upset its happening all over again the nightmares, the panic attacks, lack of concentration everything how could something so horrendous happen to someone so kind and generous!
I don't know why I am writing of this here I guess I just wanted to honor her in some small way for all she gave, for all she did and all she was for her amazingly lovely heart and soul - she deserved better

 

[total eclipse]

She did deserve better hun and I am sorry you are reliving this nightmare about her death. Anniversaries are hard and i do hope you can find support for that day. hugs

 

[BornFree]

Thank you TE :hug:

 

[MisterBGone]

What a special relationship to have had with a loved one! I am really happy that you got to have that experience--such a sacred bond... May her memory be cherished for a lifetime. Take care there! : )

 

[Kairo]

I'm so sorry for your loss and the brutality of it's nature
Reliving all of this and finding out this new information must be such a nightmare for you.
I hope you and your family can find support from eachother during this time, and remember the good times and her loving nature.
hugs for you :hug:

 

[BornFree]

Thanks MrB & SpM... ;grouphug: I landed up sleeping on the sofa as I can't bare the quiet and need to fill my mind with sounds and other images from the telly, anything other than images of what they did to her... I have always loved crime dramas like CSI and criminal minds etc and stupidly it was watching a crime drama where a body was "discovered" and the murderer had done the same thing they did to my aunt, until I saw that I had never thought of any of the details as it was too painful but that just started haunting me ever since.
I feel like such an idiot, it was inadvertently my fault When I was visiting her in the Sept before her death, her property was quite secluded and I actually saw this guy go round the back and I got such a fright asking who it was as my blood ran cold. She reassured me explaining who he was and how she knew his Mum and how she had been trying to help him by giving their family money etc... I feel like such an idiot was it a premonition, seeing him terrified me, I should have told my aunt how scared it made me for her... maybe I could have persuaded her to increase her security. I will never forgive myself for not saying more and not trying harder to warn her.
I wish I could find support from my family, she was my favourite aunt, bless her she didn't have much and as it turned out my 1 sister & I got the largest portion (out of all the cousins) of her will, my other 2 sisters didn't get anything which has caused huge rifts and jealousy.
I feel so alone, the same thing happened when my Mum died. Its like inheritance becomes blood money I'd sooner have nothing just to have her back in my life. When people you love die they take your history with them things only she & I knew, it is awful being estranged from family.
Now my children are estranged from my family too, which makes thoughts of ending it all seem to make more sense than ever.

 

[Kairo]

It's so hard not to think about what we could have or should have done in hindsight. All of those "what if"s take such a long time to let go of or push out of mind. I'm so sorry you're still struggling with them, and I'm sorry that episode triggered those thoughts for you all the more
How aweful that these rifts in the family has made everything even more ugly...people often lose sight of the big picture when it comes to money in the family. That's surely something your aunt never would have wanted.
But you must know she never would have wanted you to take your own life and leave your kids and family who would miss you so dearly, even those who are estranged.

Do you see any professionals that might be able to help you deal with these thoughts?

 

[BornFree]

I did, I used to see a pdoc and I was meant to have group and talking therapy too and was on the waiting list for many months then I got a letter saying I was at the top of the list. Then we had to move and next thing I know I get this letter saying they had discharged me... I still don't understand what happened, I had got myself geared up and ready to take positive steps to getting better, even now I am such a blubbering idiot crying just writing this, I'm right back there, everything is too much again, everything is too bright, too loud, food tastes odd again I'm losing time.
When I was under Crisis Team before and after my attempt they even told me my H had been with holding their calls, now I have missed Dr's appointments like the gastroenterologist for my liver as the letter mysteriously never arrived.
Sorry none of this is making sense, I don't make sense anymore. The less sleep I get the worse things become, I can't go to sleep and see those images the haunting newspaper article, she was in another country but what sort of newspaper runs a photo of the police peering into her car? If they had thought to check, when they arrested the 2 guys driving a car with a disabled badge maybe they could have saved her. Was she still alive then?
I'm supposed to be working, H has left me a list of stuff to do and I haven't even started, he is going to be so mad at me. I can't do this anymore.

 

[Kairo]

I'm sorry it's been such a struggle for you to get help...both emotianally and physically. That must put such a dammper on your will to try again. But do you think now might be a good point in your life to give getting some professional support another shot? Maybe through a medium your haven't tried before, or one your familiar with. Do you think that might benifit you? I know it wont help things at the moment, and it's sounds like your have to deal with the anniversary of your aunt's death with little to no support, and I'm so sorry about that
But it might be worth it to start thinking about what kind of help you could get that would set you back on track to be able to deal with these thoughts, and to be happier, which I'm sure is all your aunt would have wanted for you.

 

[BornFree]

Thank you, you are right :hug:
part of me does want to get on track, I just don't have the fight left to fight to be heard to even try to get help. I honestly don't know what to say anymore I am too ill and too tired and if I told Dr's honestly how I feel... they would get social services involved again as they did after my last attempt and I really had to fight to convince them I was "fine"
Everything is unravelling and I just can't keep it together anymore.
I think my aunt would be disgusted at how weak I have become, she was british to her core and lived her stiff upper lip policy.

 

[MisterBGone]

...hmm - Maybe you could try to "be more like your Aunt" in her honor? I know it isn't that easy; but it's possibly worth a shot...

 

[Kairo]

From what you've told us about your aunt she sounded like a very caring person, despite any tough exerior. It sounds like she was fond of you and close to you, I'm sure she would have wanted to support you at any point in your life when you're struggeling.
But regardless of how you think she would feel or would have thought if she were here, you should not feel guilty or weak for having these troubles, I hope you know that.
I'm sorry it's such a fight to be heard...if you choose to try and get help again maybe it will feel like a struggle for a little while. Until hopefuly you can reach a point where you actually feel helped, and some of the burden is taken off. I'm sure there is a way to get to that point without getting social services involved.
It sounds like the hardest part for you will be to try again..and find a reason too. I hope you can bring yourself to take some steps in the direction of getting the kind of help you think you might need. You do deserve that.

 

[flowers]

oh dear. I just saw this. I am so deeply sorry.

I bet your aunt now understand beyond the stiff upper lip. I would bet she can see how hard it is for you and feels great compassion and respect for you and your circumstances. You are not weak at all sweetie. No you are not weak. You have been through so much. And it has taken so much out of you.But you are not a weak person. Oh no you are not :hug: I know this.