Trying something.

[panicbutton]

Not really sure where to start. I guess I'm trying this as a way to keep my head quiet should it start to get loud again. It has to sound crazy and I'm sorry. I'm not very good at talking and I'm not good at talking to people. Bluntly, I've been depressed since childhood, I've fought with suicide since I was 12. I've had horrific chronic pain for two years with no diagnosis or relief in sight. I'm on my third anti-depressant since 2012, and this one I think stopped working too worse than the others. That realization is probably the only reason I'm still sitting here. Eventually given time, some ounce of logic will wiggle its way to the surface. It doesn't mean it stopped hurting, it doesn't mean I don't still feel like there's a gravity crushing void in the pits of me. What it did mean was I finally told my husband yesterday. Unfortunately I think I may have done more damage to him.

Since I finally said it out loud, my head is less noisy. Its like there's room in there again for other sounds. Some of them aren't unpleasant, like allowing me to sleep, I can focus a little more on my work, but now I fear my husband will never look at me the same. I fear that this sickness in my head will be past on to one, if not both my children. I fear the doctor is just going to send me to a therapist. I fear I will be committed. I fear nothing will ever change except that the prescriptions will just keep growing and I will be more pharmaceutical than human. I fear that I will prefer it that way.

 

[WildCherry]

Hi, and welcome!
It's good that you've said things out loud. There's nothing wrong with that. I hope you continue to post here for support.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry to hear how you suffer. I think it's a good thing you managed to open up to your husband. That way he had a chance to support you.

Why are you scared of seeing a therapist hun? Therapy can do wonderful things for you, they don't have to commit you for that.
Therapy or counseling can give you ways to deal with your feelings and emotions, this is my personal opinion but I prefer therapy to pills. It's always worth trying it at least.

You deserve to be helped and cared for hun. s*

 

[panicbutton]

I'm not sure, I don't trust them. Maybe I don't trust myself with them. I was forced to go once, mandatory order when I was 14 over suicide. Two visits and she got nothing out of me that I wasn't willing to say, and she sent me off with a clean bill. I get cagey and defensive and boy does my defense manifest in unique ways depending on my level of fear. I guess I expected a professional to be able to outwit a 14 year old.

 

[Petal]

Hi and welcome to the forum, I have been on way more than three medications, trust me that it might take trying new ones out. I think you are very brave to post your story here and share your thoughts and feelings and I wish you the best in your recovery.

You can always PM me and we have a chat room here too if you want to talk in real time (bottom right side of the forum) best wishes s*

 

[Acy]

Hi, sunnypseudo. Welcome! But sorry you've been suffering a lot.

As Petal has said, meds can be trial and error until you find what works for you.

Therapy can be scary because we know there might be stuff that upsets us that comes spilling out. Therapy is a good place for that - actually better than real life situations that trigger us to react. A therapist understands the how and why of what we feel and can help us understand ourselves. As we open up, the therapist gets a sense of when to press for more info and when to back off. Telling the whole story might take a while, but the therapist is directing how much the client deals with week by week.

If we say nothing about the things that are inside us, we really can't move ahead. We end up stuck with the same hurt-hide-hurt-hide depression scenario. A therapist is trained to understand how events can shape a human mind, and what kinds of reactions/responses to things humans have. He or she will have counselling knowledge for how to support you. For most people, finding a counsellor they can be open with really helps them - in many parts of their life...home, relationships, work. Yes, it's scary at first, but therapy can work well when there is a good client-therapist relationship. It takes a bit of time to develop that, but it's very worthwhile in the long run.

I hope you do try therapy. Give yourself the gift of letting a skilled and caring therapist in. And keep us posted here on how you do.