Not really sure where to start. I guess I'm trying this as a way to keep my head quiet should it start to get loud again. It has to sound crazy and I'm sorry. I'm not very good at talking and I'm not good at talking to people. Bluntly, I've been depressed since childhood, I've fought with suicide since I was 12. I've had horrific chronic pain for two years with no diagnosis or relief in sight. I'm on my third anti-depressant since 2012, and this one I think stopped working too worse than the others. That realization is probably the only reason I'm still sitting here. Eventually given time, some ounce of logic will wiggle its way to the surface. It doesn't mean it stopped hurting, it doesn't mean I don't still feel like there's a gravity crushing void in the pits of me. What it did mean was I finally told my husband yesterday. Unfortunately I think I may have done more damage to him. Since I finally said it out loud, my head is less noisy. Its like there's room in there again for other sounds. Some of them aren't unpleasant, like allowing me to sleep, I can focus a little more on my work, but now I fear my husband will never look at me the same. I fear that this sickness in my head will be past on to one, if not both my children. I fear the doctor is just going to send me to a therapist. I fear I will be committed. I fear nothing will ever change except that the prescriptions will just keep growing and I will be more pharmaceutical than human. I fear that I will prefer it that way.