I've been talking to this girl online since late september, and I really appreciate her. She lives elsewhere in Europe, but she speaks my language and she's planning on moving here, she's applying for jobs in my city as well as elsewhere in the country. She just visited my city for 10 days. She was visiting a friend here, but we spent 4 days together.
When we started talking online, it was romantic in nature, but after a while I did bring up that I would prefer if we had no expectations when we met, and that I mostly need friends right now. During the same conversation, I did mention (without oversharing) how I do get depressed sometimes, and I've mentioned to her how I feel easily tired these days. She's been very understanding, and ever since we had that convo, we've talked to each other as friends, no more flirting.
So we met in real life, and for the second time since I started trying to meet people irl, I felt like my real life personality matched my online personality. And not just for a while before my social battery ran out (like the last time), but the entire time. Even when we went to a cafe the third time we met, the dreaded sitting across from each other at a table and having to make conversation with no distractions, went swimmingly, there wasn't a single moment of awkward silence. I was able to carry a conversation just fine.
During our 4 days together, I thought we mostly talked to each other like friends.
I'd planned to bring up with her that I'm depressed right now and can't do anything more than friendship until I get better, and how it wouldn't be good for either of us and I don't have the energy for it. I had planned out how to explain it. But it never seemed natural to bring it up, and it seemed like it explained itself, since neither of us made any sort of romantic move.
But I'd also done things like gently touching her back while walking with her sometimes, pulling her hair away from her dessert...little things, but enough that it'd given her the impression I was interested in more than friendship. It just seemed natural to me at the time and I didn't think much about it.
Towards the end of her stay here, she referenced things we'd talked about back when we'd been talking to each other in a romantic/affectionate way. And it became more noticable that she had feelings for me. She wanted to spend her last full day in town with me, even though she was sick. She wanted to come to my place and watch LotR, like we'd talked about many times. I knew where that would go, so I said it's a long trip when she's sick and each movie is 3.5 hours long and...excuses.
As we parted ways the last time we met, she leaned in for a kiss and I gave her a hug instead. I texted her afterwards what I'd planned to say (NOT NOW, basically), but she got upset. She's not angry with me, but she's sad and she doesn't understand. She said I'd sent mixed signals, I explained that I enjoy her company, I enjoy chatting with her on Skype/Whatsapp, and that I appreciate her AND I'm attracted to her, it's just that I can't right now.
She has a way with words and she's very good at reading people. She messaged me:
And it's so beautifully said and I want to agree with her.
I don't want to lose her. I enjoy chatting with her online, I enjoy her company in the real world. I don't want to lose that. I care about her and I don't want to make her sad. And I don't want her to disappear from my life. I just can't find out what to say, how to structure my thoughts into a message that she'll understand. I don't want her to become someone from my past that I'll look back on with regret. Another person that I'm a bad memory to. I wish I could make it better for her. I want her to be happy and not confused or sad...or gone from my life.
She also said she wanted me to see myself and the situation from her perspective, which was:
I've never been described like this by anyone. I think it's partially my own self improvements over the last 3 years, and partially how easy it is to talk to her and how pleasant she is to be around, that left her with this impression of me. And it's such a kind, compassionate, caring thing to say, and I don't know what to say back to make it better. She really poured her heart out into those messages. She really cares about me (and I care about her) so it hurts that I can't think of anything to say to make it better, to make her understand why I care about her and want her in my life, but that I need to improve on myself and get my energy back before I have anything more than friendship...knowing full well that it's unlikely to be a healthy friendship after this. But I can't just say yes to anything more, I feel strongly that I don't have the energy for that right now.
I did say I would try to explain it to her properly today, but I feel like I don't KNOW the full explanation, and my thoughts are all over the place and I'm unable to structure them into a coherent message. I know I want to say that I want to us to be friends until she moves here, but that I understand if that's difficult for her. Maybe the physical distance between us right now is a good thing, and I can use that to provide her with a solution that will make it easier for her, friendship until we meet again/she moves here?
When we started talking online, it was romantic in nature, but after a while I did bring up that I would prefer if we had no expectations when we met, and that I mostly need friends right now. During the same conversation, I did mention (without oversharing) how I do get depressed sometimes, and I've mentioned to her how I feel easily tired these days. She's been very understanding, and ever since we had that convo, we've talked to each other as friends, no more flirting.
So we met in real life, and for the second time since I started trying to meet people irl, I felt like my real life personality matched my online personality. And not just for a while before my social battery ran out (like the last time), but the entire time. Even when we went to a cafe the third time we met, the dreaded sitting across from each other at a table and having to make conversation with no distractions, went swimmingly, there wasn't a single moment of awkward silence. I was able to carry a conversation just fine.
During our 4 days together, I thought we mostly talked to each other like friends.
I'd planned to bring up with her that I'm depressed right now and can't do anything more than friendship until I get better, and how it wouldn't be good for either of us and I don't have the energy for it. I had planned out how to explain it. But it never seemed natural to bring it up, and it seemed like it explained itself, since neither of us made any sort of romantic move.
But I'd also done things like gently touching her back while walking with her sometimes, pulling her hair away from her dessert...little things, but enough that it'd given her the impression I was interested in more than friendship. It just seemed natural to me at the time and I didn't think much about it.
Towards the end of her stay here, she referenced things we'd talked about back when we'd been talking to each other in a romantic/affectionate way. And it became more noticable that she had feelings for me. She wanted to spend her last full day in town with me, even though she was sick. She wanted to come to my place and watch LotR, like we'd talked about many times. I knew where that would go, so I said it's a long trip when she's sick and each movie is 3.5 hours long and...excuses.
As we parted ways the last time we met, she leaned in for a kiss and I gave her a hug instead. I texted her afterwards what I'd planned to say (NOT NOW, basically), but she got upset. She's not angry with me, but she's sad and she doesn't understand. She said I'd sent mixed signals, I explained that I enjoy her company, I enjoy chatting with her on Skype/Whatsapp, and that I appreciate her AND I'm attracted to her, it's just that I can't right now.
She has a way with words and she's very good at reading people. She messaged me:
And it's so beautifully said and I want to agree with her.
I don't want to lose her. I enjoy chatting with her online, I enjoy her company in the real world. I don't want to lose that. I care about her and I don't want to make her sad. And I don't want her to disappear from my life. I just can't find out what to say, how to structure my thoughts into a message that she'll understand. I don't want her to become someone from my past that I'll look back on with regret. Another person that I'm a bad memory to. I wish I could make it better for her. I want her to be happy and not confused or sad...or gone from my life.
She also said she wanted me to see myself and the situation from her perspective, which was:
I've never been described like this by anyone. I think it's partially my own self improvements over the last 3 years, and partially how easy it is to talk to her and how pleasant she is to be around, that left her with this impression of me. And it's such a kind, compassionate, caring thing to say, and I don't know what to say back to make it better. She really poured her heart out into those messages. She really cares about me (and I care about her) so it hurts that I can't think of anything to say to make it better, to make her understand why I care about her and want her in my life, but that I need to improve on myself and get my energy back before I have anything more than friendship...knowing full well that it's unlikely to be a healthy friendship after this. But I can't just say yes to anything more, I feel strongly that I don't have the energy for that right now.
I did say I would try to explain it to her properly today, but I feel like I don't KNOW the full explanation, and my thoughts are all over the place and I'm unable to structure them into a coherent message. I know I want to say that I want to us to be friends until she moves here, but that I understand if that's difficult for her. Maybe the physical distance between us right now is a good thing, and I can use that to provide her with a solution that will make it easier for her, friendship until we meet again/she moves here?
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