Two way street
- Thread starter Anonymous ID
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You'll only be hurting those people you love most, by not getting the help you need, to get better and hopefully stay well. Any minor inconvenience provided them by your absence while inpatient is trivial in comparison to further destruction, or struggle with "the drink!" And, as I always like to say (to my-self), if I'm going to do this thing, it's going to be when I am in the 'right,' frame of mind. . . In other words, not under the influence of anything; beyond maybe, my (ir)rational thought--Hope you can get the help & the treatment you so desperately need, and deserve. You're beyond worth it, in my book!
Hope you're doing okay, or at least having a little bit better day, to-day! @Anonymous ID ...
Hope you're doing okay, or at least having a little bit better day, to-day! @Anonymous ID ...
That is one of the sad things both here and in person, there is only so much that anybody can do or say other than to offer encouragement to others. And in some cases perhaps a person has no advice unless they have or are living a similar situation, but you try when you can and hopefully it helps even if it is just one day at a time.
Try whenever you can with whatever you can, that is all anybody can do.
Try whenever you can with whatever you can, that is all anybody can do.
That's the tough thing. . . It can all be so very lonely an experience, and this fight at times, can be quite alienating. And then when you're "guilt-tripped," or feeling as if, or though you're a burden on them, then that can weigh on one's conscience immensely. (it's like; we don't need any more help in that area!) 
...but I think the key - unless you're like me (& most aren't I'm definitely in the minority... like my Grandpa); at least, I'd guess statistically, that is to say - able to quit most things "cold_turkey," & that is not so much about willpower: for me, anyway! It's usually about psyching myself out, and saying things like... "Well, I bet you can't stop, or quit now?" / And then responding with, "Oh, Yeah??? Wanna bet!!!!" But, I'm a freak; mentally in that way. . . And perhaps i've never let it get that bad, or that out of hand (though I probably have). It also helps that often at that point i've reached a point in which i'm pretty bleak; or things are looking very bleak-- (as in, there's no hope~ left!).
I worked for a little while at a Dual Diagnosis place. And so they specialized in treating both the mental illness & the chemical addiction simultaneously, as the results, were found in some studies to be better than focusing on just one or the other. As they both so often go, or are tied together (hand in hand). So, if you only "fix" one - then it is only a matter of time before the other... (interferes). But I think, if you feel you can get one under control, first - then that can be sufficient to help address the other, in my view. So, if you can get the bottle better under wraps, then you might be able to handle the mental side of things that brought you here in the first place (without the substance abuse feeding back into the depression, and things). Usually, it works best "treatment," if the patient is willing & able to put their best foot forward, or a "good faith,' effort as it were. So, people can do all the interventions and everything that they want. And if we're not ready to step up to the plate and deliver (or at least TRY). Then we haven't got much of a chance at success, at least long term, as relapse can happen that much more quickly, or easier.
That said, the good news is, it can be done. And many of the people who were placed in the center I was talking about (90 day max stay often court ordered; as in freshly released from the hospital kind of a thing)... is that many of the people I saw there seemed to have a much better chance at success in life, than some of the ones I saw in more long term care residential settings (who usually had just more, mental health / or illness struggles to deal with). Many of these folk rather, if they were able to actually get a handle, or some control on the chemical dependency, were fully capable of returning to their normal lives and families and work full time jobs, and things like that. Whereas with the other, it was very often not always that realistic. In the end. Anyway, good luck to you! And keep fighting. You've got a lot to live for, even if you can't see so now!
...but I think the key - unless you're like me (& most aren't I'm definitely in the minority... like my Grandpa); at least, I'd guess statistically, that is to say - able to quit most things "cold_turkey," & that is not so much about willpower: for me, anyway! It's usually about psyching myself out, and saying things like... "Well, I bet you can't stop, or quit now?" / And then responding with, "Oh, Yeah??? Wanna bet!!!!" But, I'm a freak; mentally in that way. . . And perhaps i've never let it get that bad, or that out of hand (though I probably have). It also helps that often at that point i've reached a point in which i'm pretty bleak; or things are looking very bleak-- (as in, there's no hope~ left!). I worked for a little while at a Dual Diagnosis place. And so they specialized in treating both the mental illness & the chemical addiction simultaneously, as the results, were found in some studies to be better than focusing on just one or the other. As they both so often go, or are tied together (hand in hand). So, if you only "fix" one - then it is only a matter of time before the other... (interferes). But I think, if you feel you can get one under control, first - then that can be sufficient to help address the other, in my view. So, if you can get the bottle better under wraps, then you might be able to handle the mental side of things that brought you here in the first place (without the substance abuse feeding back into the depression, and things). Usually, it works best "treatment," if the patient is willing & able to put their best foot forward, or a "good faith,' effort as it were. So, people can do all the interventions and everything that they want. And if we're not ready to step up to the plate and deliver (or at least TRY). Then we haven't got much of a chance at success, at least long term, as relapse can happen that much more quickly, or easier.
That said, the good news is, it can be done. And many of the people who were placed in the center I was talking about (90 day max stay often court ordered; as in freshly released from the hospital kind of a thing)... is that many of the people I saw there seemed to have a much better chance at success in life, than some of the ones I saw in more long term care residential settings (who usually had just more, mental health / or illness struggles to deal with). Many of these folk rather, if they were able to actually get a handle, or some control on the chemical dependency, were fully capable of returning to their normal lives and families and work full time jobs, and things like that. Whereas with the other, it was very often not always that realistic. In the end. Anyway, good luck to you! And keep fighting. You've got a lot to live for, even if you can't see so now!
That's the tough thing. . . It can all be so very lonely an experience, and this fight at times, can be quite alienating. And then when you're "guilt-tripped," or feeling as if, or though you're a burden on them, then that can weigh on one's conscience immensely. (it's like; we don't need any more help in that area!) ...but I think the key - unless you're like me (& most aren't I'm definitely in the minority... like my Grandpa); at least, I'd guess statistically, that is to say - able to quit most things "cold_turkey," & that is not so much about willpower: for me, anyway! It's usually about psyching myself out, and saying things like... "Well, I bet you can't stop, or quit now?" / And then responding with, "Oh, Yeah??? Wanna bet!!!!" But, I'm a freak; mentally in that way. . . And perhaps i've never let it get that bad, or that out of hand (though I probably have). It also helps that often at that point i've reached a point in which i'm pretty bleak; or things are looking very bleak-- (as in, there's no hope~ left!).
I worked for a little while at a Dual Diagnosis place. And so they specialized in treating both the mental illness & the chemical addiction simultaneously, as the results, were found in some studies to be better than focusing on just one or the other. As they both so often go, or are tied together (hand in hand). So, if you only "fix" one - then it is only a matter of time before the other... (interferes). But I think, if you feel you can get one under control, first - then that can be sufficient to help address the other, in my view. So, if you can get the bottle better under wraps, then you might be able to handle the mental side of things that brought you here in the first place (without the substance abuse feeding back into the depression, and things). Usually, it works best "treatment," if the patient is willing & able to put their best foot forward, or a "good faith,' effort as it were. So, people can do all the interventions and everything that they want. And if we're not ready to step up to the plate and deliver (or at least TRY). Then we haven't got much of a chance at success, at least long term, as relapse can happen that much more quickly, or easier.
That said, the good news is, it can be done. And many of the people who were placed in the center I was talking about (90 day max stay often court ordered; as in freshly released from the hospital kind of a thing)... is that many of the people I saw there seemed to have a much better chance at success in life, than some of the ones I saw in more long term care residential settings (who usually had just more, mental health / or illness struggles to deal with). Many of these folk rather, if they were able to actually get a handle, or some control on the chemical dependency, were fully capable of returning to their normal lives and families and work full time jobs, and things like that. Whereas with the other, it was very often not always that realistic. In the end. Anyway, good luck to you! And keep fighting. You've got a lot to live for, even if you can't see so now!
...but I think the key - unless you're like me (& most aren't I'm definitely in the minority... like my Grandpa); at least, I'd guess statistically, that is to say - able to quit most things "cold_turkey," & that is not so much about willpower: for me, anyway! It's usually about psyching myself out, and saying things like... "Well, I bet you can't stop, or quit now?" / And then responding with, "Oh, Yeah??? Wanna bet!!!!" But, I'm a freak; mentally in that way. . . And perhaps i've never let it get that bad, or that out of hand (though I probably have). It also helps that often at that point i've reached a point in which i'm pretty bleak; or things are looking very bleak-- (as in, there's no hope~ left!).I worked for a little while at a Dual Diagnosis place. And so they specialized in treating both the mental illness & the chemical addiction simultaneously, as the results, were found in some studies to be better than focusing on just one or the other. As they both so often go, or are tied together (hand in hand). So, if you only "fix" one - then it is only a matter of time before the other... (interferes). But I think, if you feel you can get one under control, first - then that can be sufficient to help address the other, in my view. So, if you can get the bottle better under wraps, then you might be able to handle the mental side of things that brought you here in the first place (without the substance abuse feeding back into the depression, and things). Usually, it works best "treatment," if the patient is willing & able to put their best foot forward, or a "good faith,' effort as it were. So, people can do all the interventions and everything that they want. And if we're not ready to step up to the plate and deliver (or at least TRY). Then we haven't got much of a chance at success, at least long term, as relapse can happen that much more quickly, or easier.
That said, the good news is, it can be done. And many of the people who were placed in the center I was talking about (90 day max stay often court ordered; as in freshly released from the hospital kind of a thing)... is that many of the people I saw there seemed to have a much better chance at success in life, than some of the ones I saw in more long term care residential settings (who usually had just more, mental health / or illness struggles to deal with). Many of these folk rather, if they were able to actually get a handle, or some control on the chemical dependency, were fully capable of returning to their normal lives and families and work full time jobs, and things like that. Whereas with the other, it was very often not always that realistic. In the end. Anyway, good luck to you! And keep fighting. You've got a lot to live for, even if you can't see so now!
I’m sorry you’ve been having such a tough time @Anonymous ID It is so easy when you get into that lowest state of mind to feel completely alone and unable to reach out for help. I hope your days get a little better. Tiny steps. And remember you are not alone. 
Xx
Xx
This sounds like a great plan! And yes, I agree, finding some other constructive activities to take part in, such as forms of exercise or anything else you enjoy doing would be quite useful, in replacing the current day to day, for you! Just know that, sometimes, for a lot of people it's not so much of one-step, or concerted mechanism type of thing. This getting over an addiction. It usually is more like pushing a rock up a hill, in that, there will at time be setbacks. And I think the key thing to understand is that it is very typical for this to be the case, and that you're probably in the majority if you fall into this category of human. That is to say, "normal." Where I am about as "abnormal," as they come! ha...
But I think I'd heard an addiction medication specialist say one time not too long ago, that the average number of trips for a drug addict to go to rehab, and then face or get to have what he called, or considered a sustained period of sobriety, was something like "3 trips." Which, sounds bad at first... but when you think about it, and how the mind works, and everything else (maybe you've already seen some of this at play, if you've thought about wanting to stop, or at some point to perhaps take a night off, and then were somehow managed to be talked into it - by your own mind - or inner voice. . . It can be very tricky; & good at getting you to change your mind, or just saying, "to heck with it...").
You've got a very good handle, or self-analysis, of your own situation in regards some of the major reasons as to why this abuse of alcohol has been prevalent as of late in your life. These are very classic reasons, or things to be tied to, or attributed to the actions we take, to try and make things right, or o.k. in our own minds... A lot of people who have suffered trauma growing up leads to this sort of thing, and can fuel it for a very long time, if left untreated. And it's a vicious cycle, or habit to break. Think of it as, taxing your system, but then also there are some who will at times, like to pay themselves back, with this as sort of serving as some form of justifiable punishment, in a way. . . & this can be very habit-forming as well, just from a psychological/behavioral point of view. So, I'm mad about this, I hate that (could be an action, or it could not) & so I'm going to do this to hurt myself. And if I forget myself, and then with it, the pain that is associated with all of my hurt - then maybe I can not feel like I'm feeling right now. So, in that way, it is a temporary escape, or reprieve from all the acute suffering, and such. But also, I find, that as the addiction grows the satisfaction rate declines. And then it just becomes more about the repetitive onslaugh of pain and punishment which one can inflict upon themselves. As you stated there so beautifully, and briefly, you 'hate-yourself,' or have a lot of, "self-hate." ...& then are, furthermore, "set to destroy myself!" (this is the exact sort of thing I mean, or am talking about). And I think it would be wise to try and seek some form of counseling to see if some of the issues can't be dug up, unearthed in a more appropriate matter/manner, or context. Such that you are able to dissect them more objectively (& not by your biased, and untrue or warped views; which are all quite typical in cases such as these, so - there's no shame in it, either: none at all!). I think, you just need a lot of help - and, it's going to take some time - especially when you consider the amount of damage they may have been done to you, at an early age, and then throughout life. It's only fitting and reasonable that it will take a more proportional / or realistic amount of time and effort or work to be able to process and be okay with some of them. But left alone, all they will do is to continue to haunt you, and maybe even get worse, not better.
Have you been able to better learn how to express your emotions? If you have not, and it'll take some practice, or learning. . . But, it can be done! That's a terrible thing to have to overcome. Terrible in the sense that I'm sorry you were taught that, and that this is now something you've got to "unlearn," so to speak. All of these things add up, or compound into what led you to where you are at today. So, I just want you to know that it is ok for you to forgive yourself. You haven't got anything to feel guilty over, in my mind. And nearly every last thing you've listed, and maybe thought of, as a "fault," is really justifiable based on your environment and everything else that has befallen you. So, I'd really like to give yourself a break. Try a little self-affirmation every once in awhile. I know it's hard, but if you can get in the habit of it, it might help to counter some of the lies spinning around in your head about how you should feel about yourself. Because nobody deserves to feel or be treated that way (as you have). And from what I can tell, just by how you've been here, you've got as much going for you as anybody else! That's true, and I'd have said the same thing even before learning of your educational aspirations. Just the way you treat people, and others around the forums and the boards is so wonderful, it really is! Your character is on full display in my eyes, and you have such Heart. So, don't let that all go... & it seems to me, that you just need a little help! Also on the date/goal/new year's resolution. If it happens then that's great and I'm happy for you. But if it doesn't, then that is okay too. Just do your best to keep working at fighting it. Almost by the moment if you have to (as opposed to, by the day). . . Just don't want you to experience a letdown, or go too over the top/crazy, as some often do when they make an announcement of sorts to themselves. You know, I'm going to quit next week on this given day. But as it gets closer and closer, I'd better get my money's worth, for after that it's all over & I'll never touch it again. And we may very well mean this, at the time. Until the next time comes, or arrives. So, it's a continuous battle, or fight/struggle, I believe. But you're right, in that the more positive influences you can interject into your life is really a healthy key. And most peope who recover from something like this, and go on to live pretty happy & successful lives, usually do have something else positive in their lives to focus on. And sometimes it isn't even a job, it could be a newfound passion, or hobby. Something like taking up running and then training for a marthon. Indulging in cooking or painting, playing music, writing stories. Whatever suits your fancy, as they say. They seem to have replaced the drink, or drug, and filled the void with something else. . . Anyways, i guess that's alittle more than my 2 cents, worth- or whatever your comparable currency might be! Lovely picture of the snow in the woods or at the mountains, you've got there in your profile picture/avatar. :^) that's great
ha...But I think I'd heard an addiction medication specialist say one time not too long ago, that the average number of trips for a drug addict to go to rehab, and then face or get to have what he called, or considered a sustained period of sobriety, was something like "3 trips." Which, sounds bad at first... but when you think about it, and how the mind works, and everything else (maybe you've already seen some of this at play, if you've thought about wanting to stop, or at some point to perhaps take a night off, and then were somehow managed to be talked into it - by your own mind - or inner voice. . . It can be very tricky; & good at getting you to change your mind, or just saying, "to heck with it...").
You've got a very good handle, or self-analysis, of your own situation in regards some of the major reasons as to why this abuse of alcohol has been prevalent as of late in your life. These are very classic reasons, or things to be tied to, or attributed to the actions we take, to try and make things right, or o.k. in our own minds... A lot of people who have suffered trauma growing up leads to this sort of thing, and can fuel it for a very long time, if left untreated. And it's a vicious cycle, or habit to break. Think of it as, taxing your system, but then also there are some who will at times, like to pay themselves back, with this as sort of serving as some form of justifiable punishment, in a way. . . & this can be very habit-forming as well, just from a psychological/behavioral point of view. So, I'm mad about this, I hate that (could be an action, or it could not) & so I'm going to do this to hurt myself. And if I forget myself, and then with it, the pain that is associated with all of my hurt - then maybe I can not feel like I'm feeling right now. So, in that way, it is a temporary escape, or reprieve from all the acute suffering, and such. But also, I find, that as the addiction grows the satisfaction rate declines. And then it just becomes more about the repetitive onslaugh of pain and punishment which one can inflict upon themselves. As you stated there so beautifully, and briefly, you 'hate-yourself,' or have a lot of, "self-hate." ...& then are, furthermore, "set to destroy myself!" (this is the exact sort of thing I mean, or am talking about). And I think it would be wise to try and seek some form of counseling to see if some of the issues can't be dug up, unearthed in a more appropriate matter/manner, or context. Such that you are able to dissect them more objectively (& not by your biased, and untrue or warped views; which are all quite typical in cases such as these, so - there's no shame in it, either: none at all!). I think, you just need a lot of help - and, it's going to take some time - especially when you consider the amount of damage they may have been done to you, at an early age, and then throughout life. It's only fitting and reasonable that it will take a more proportional / or realistic amount of time and effort or work to be able to process and be okay with some of them. But left alone, all they will do is to continue to haunt you, and maybe even get worse, not better.
Have you been able to better learn how to express your emotions? If you have not, and it'll take some practice, or learning. . . But, it can be done!
That's a terrible thing to have to overcome. Terrible in the sense that I'm sorry you were taught that, and that this is now something you've got to "unlearn," so to speak. All of these things add up, or compound into what led you to where you are at today. So, I just want you to know that it is ok for you to forgive yourself. You haven't got anything to feel guilty over, in my mind. And nearly every last thing you've listed, and maybe thought of, as a "fault," is really justifiable based on your environment and everything else that has befallen you. So, I'd really like to give yourself a break. Try a little self-affirmation every once in awhile. I know it's hard, but if you can get in the habit of it, it might help to counter some of the lies spinning around in your head about how you should feel about yourself. Because nobody deserves to feel or be treated that way (as you have). And from what I can tell, just by how you've been here, you've got as much going for you as anybody else! That's true, and I'd have said the same thing even before learning of your educational aspirations. Just the way you treat people, and others around the forums and the boards is so wonderful, it really is! Your character is on full display in my eyes, and you have such Heart. So, don't let that all go... & it seems to me, that you just need a little help! Also on the date/goal/new year's resolution. If it happens then that's great and I'm happy for you. But if it doesn't, then that is okay too. Just do your best to keep working at fighting it. Almost by the moment if you have to (as opposed to, by the day). . . Just don't want you to experience a letdown, or go too over the top/crazy, as some often do when they make an announcement of sorts to themselves. You know, I'm going to quit next week on this given day. But as it gets closer and closer, I'd better get my money's worth, for after that it's all over & I'll never touch it again. And we may very well mean this, at the time. Until the next time comes, or arrives. So, it's a continuous battle, or fight/struggle, I believe. But you're right, in that the more positive influences you can interject into your life is really a healthy key. And most peope who recover from something like this, and go on to live pretty happy & successful lives, usually do have something else positive in their lives to focus on. And sometimes it isn't even a job, it could be a newfound passion, or hobby. Something like taking up running and then training for a marthon. Indulging in cooking or painting, playing music, writing stories. Whatever suits your fancy, as they say. They seem to have replaced the drink, or drug, and filled the void with something else. . . Anyways, i guess that's alittle more than my 2 cents, worth- or whatever your comparable currency might be! Lovely picture of the snow in the woods or at the mountains, you've got there in your profile picture/avatar. :^) that's great
This sounds like a great plan! And yes, I agree, finding some other constructive activities to take part in, such as forms of exercise or anything else you enjoy doing would be quite useful, in replacing the current day to day, for you! Just know that, sometimes, for a lot of people it's not so much of one-step, or concerted mechanism type of thing. This getting over an addiction. It usually is more like pushing a rock up a hill, in that, there will at time be setbacks. And I think the key thing to understand is that it is very typical for this to be the case, and that you're probably in the majority if you fall into this category of human. That is to say, "normal." Where I am about as "abnormal," as they come! ha...
But I think I'd heard an addiction medication specialist say one time not too long ago, that the average number of trips for a drug addict to go to rehab, and then face or get to have what he called, or considered a sustained period of sobriety, was something like "3 trips." Which, sounds bad at first... but when you think about it, and how the mind works, and everything else (maybe you've already seen some of this at play, if you've thought about wanting to stop, or at some point to perhaps take a night off, and then were somehow managed to be talked into it - by your own mind - or inner voice. . . It can be very tricky; & good at getting you to change your mind, or just saying, "to heck with it...").
You've got a very good handle, or self-analysis, of your own situation in regards some of the major reasons as to why this abuse of alcohol has been prevalent as of late in your life. These are very classic reasons, or things to be tied to, or attributed to the actions we take, to try and make things right, or o.k. in our own minds... A lot of people who have suffered trauma growing up leads to this sort of thing, and can fuel it for a very long time, if left untreated. And it's a vicious cycle, or habit to break. Think of it as, taxing your system, but then also there are some who will at times, like to pay themselves back, with this as sort of serving as some form of justifiable punishment, in a way. . . & this can be very habit-forming as well, just from a psychological/behavioral point of view. So, I'm mad about this, I hate that (could be an action, or it could not) & so I'm going to do this to hurt myself. And if I forget myself, and then with it, the pain that is associated with all of my hurt - then maybe I can not feel like I'm feeling right now. So, in that way, it is a temporary escape, or reprieve from all the acute suffering, and such. But also, I find, that as the addiction grows the satisfaction rate declines. And then it just becomes more about the repetitive onslaugh of pain and punishment which one can inflict upon themselves. As you stated there so beautifully, and briefly, you 'hate-yourself,' or have a lot of, "self-hate." ...& then are, furthermore, "set to destroy myself!" (this is the exact sort of thing I mean, or am talking about). And I think it would be wise to try and seek some form of counseling to see if some of the issues can't be dug up, unearthed in a more appropriate matter/manner, or context. Such that you are able to dissect them more objectively (& not by your biased, and untrue or warped views; which are all quite typical in cases such as these, so - there's no shame in it, either: none at all!). I think, you just need a lot of help - and, it's going to take some time - especially when you consider the amount of damage they may have been done to you, at an early age, and then throughout life. It's only fitting and reasonable that it will take a more proportional / or realistic amount of time and effort or work to be able to process and be okay with some of them. But left alone, all they will do is to continue to haunt you, and maybe even get worse, not better.
Have you been able to better learn how to express your emotions? If you have not, and it'll take some practice, or learning. . . But, it can be done! That's a terrible thing to have to overcome. Terrible in the sense that I'm sorry you were taught that, and that this is now something you've got to "unlearn," so to speak. All of these things add up, or compound into what led you to where you are at today. So, I just want you to know that it is ok for you to forgive yourself. You haven't got anything to feel guilty over, in my mind. And nearly every last thing you've listed, and maybe thought of, as a "fault," is really justifiable based on your environment and everything else that has befallen you. So, I'd really like to give yourself a break. Try a little self-affirmation every once in awhile. I know it's hard, but if you can get in the habit of it, it might help to counter some of the lies spinning around in your head about how you should feel about yourself. Because nobody deserves to feel or be treated that way (as you have). And from what I can tell, just by how you've been here, you've got as much going for you as anybody else! That's true, and I'd have said the same thing even before learning of your educational aspirations. Just the way you treat people, and others around the forums and the boards is so wonderful, it really is! Your character is on full display in my eyes, and you have such Heart. So, don't let that all go... & it seems to me, that you just need a little help! Also on the date/goal/new year's resolution. If it happens then that's great and I'm happy for you. But if it doesn't, then that is okay too. Just do your best to keep working at fighting it. Almost by the moment if you have to (as opposed to, by the day). . . Just don't want you to experience a letdown, or go too over the top/crazy, as some often do when they make an announcement of sorts to themselves. You know, I'm going to quit next week on this given day. But as it gets closer and closer, I'd better get my money's worth, for after that it's all over & I'll never touch it again. And we may very well mean this, at the time. Until the next time comes, or arrives. So, it's a continuous battle, or fight/struggle, I believe. But you're right, in that the more positive influences you can interject into your life is really a healthy key. And most peope who recover from something like this, and go on to live pretty happy & successful lives, usually do have something else positive in their lives to focus on. And sometimes it isn't even a job, it could be a newfound passion, or hobby. Something like taking up running and then training for a marthon. Indulging in cooking or painting, playing music, writing stories. Whatever suits your fancy, as they say. They seem to have replaced the drink, or drug, and filled the void with something else. . . Anyways, i guess that's alittle more than my 2 cents, worth- or whatever your comparable currency might be! Lovely picture of the snow in the woods or at the mountains, you've got there in your profile picture/avatar. :^) that's great
ha...But I think I'd heard an addiction medication specialist say one time not too long ago, that the average number of trips for a drug addict to go to rehab, and then face or get to have what he called, or considered a sustained period of sobriety, was something like "3 trips." Which, sounds bad at first... but when you think about it, and how the mind works, and everything else (maybe you've already seen some of this at play, if you've thought about wanting to stop, or at some point to perhaps take a night off, and then were somehow managed to be talked into it - by your own mind - or inner voice. . . It can be very tricky; & good at getting you to change your mind, or just saying, "to heck with it...").
You've got a very good handle, or self-analysis, of your own situation in regards some of the major reasons as to why this abuse of alcohol has been prevalent as of late in your life. These are very classic reasons, or things to be tied to, or attributed to the actions we take, to try and make things right, or o.k. in our own minds... A lot of people who have suffered trauma growing up leads to this sort of thing, and can fuel it for a very long time, if left untreated. And it's a vicious cycle, or habit to break. Think of it as, taxing your system, but then also there are some who will at times, like to pay themselves back, with this as sort of serving as some form of justifiable punishment, in a way. . . & this can be very habit-forming as well, just from a psychological/behavioral point of view. So, I'm mad about this, I hate that (could be an action, or it could not) & so I'm going to do this to hurt myself. And if I forget myself, and then with it, the pain that is associated with all of my hurt - then maybe I can not feel like I'm feeling right now. So, in that way, it is a temporary escape, or reprieve from all the acute suffering, and such. But also, I find, that as the addiction grows the satisfaction rate declines. And then it just becomes more about the repetitive onslaugh of pain and punishment which one can inflict upon themselves. As you stated there so beautifully, and briefly, you 'hate-yourself,' or have a lot of, "self-hate." ...& then are, furthermore, "set to destroy myself!" (this is the exact sort of thing I mean, or am talking about). And I think it would be wise to try and seek some form of counseling to see if some of the issues can't be dug up, unearthed in a more appropriate matter/manner, or context. Such that you are able to dissect them more objectively (& not by your biased, and untrue or warped views; which are all quite typical in cases such as these, so - there's no shame in it, either: none at all!). I think, you just need a lot of help - and, it's going to take some time - especially when you consider the amount of damage they may have been done to you, at an early age, and then throughout life. It's only fitting and reasonable that it will take a more proportional / or realistic amount of time and effort or work to be able to process and be okay with some of them. But left alone, all they will do is to continue to haunt you, and maybe even get worse, not better.
Have you been able to better learn how to express your emotions? If you have not, and it'll take some practice, or learning. . . But, it can be done!
That's a terrible thing to have to overcome. Terrible in the sense that I'm sorry you were taught that, and that this is now something you've got to "unlearn," so to speak. All of these things add up, or compound into what led you to where you are at today. So, I just want you to know that it is ok for you to forgive yourself. You haven't got anything to feel guilty over, in my mind. And nearly every last thing you've listed, and maybe thought of, as a "fault," is really justifiable based on your environment and everything else that has befallen you. So, I'd really like to give yourself a break. Try a little self-affirmation every once in awhile. I know it's hard, but if you can get in the habit of it, it might help to counter some of the lies spinning around in your head about how you should feel about yourself. Because nobody deserves to feel or be treated that way (as you have). And from what I can tell, just by how you've been here, you've got as much going for you as anybody else! That's true, and I'd have said the same thing even before learning of your educational aspirations. Just the way you treat people, and others around the forums and the boards is so wonderful, it really is! Your character is on full display in my eyes, and you have such Heart. So, don't let that all go... & it seems to me, that you just need a little help! Also on the date/goal/new year's resolution. If it happens then that's great and I'm happy for you. But if it doesn't, then that is okay too. Just do your best to keep working at fighting it. Almost by the moment if you have to (as opposed to, by the day). . . Just don't want you to experience a letdown, or go too over the top/crazy, as some often do when they make an announcement of sorts to themselves. You know, I'm going to quit next week on this given day. But as it gets closer and closer, I'd better get my money's worth, for after that it's all over & I'll never touch it again. And we may very well mean this, at the time. Until the next time comes, or arrives. So, it's a continuous battle, or fight/struggle, I believe. But you're right, in that the more positive influences you can interject into your life is really a healthy key. And most peope who recover from something like this, and go on to live pretty happy & successful lives, usually do have something else positive in their lives to focus on. And sometimes it isn't even a job, it could be a newfound passion, or hobby. Something like taking up running and then training for a marthon. Indulging in cooking or painting, playing music, writing stories. Whatever suits your fancy, as they say. They seem to have replaced the drink, or drug, and filled the void with something else. . . Anyways, i guess that's alittle more than my 2 cents, worth- or whatever your comparable currency might be! Lovely picture of the snow in the woods or at the mountains, you've got there in your profile picture/avatar. :^) that's great
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