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Ultimate sinner...failed to take cat to the vet, later died

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Stuck here, Apr 10, 2016.

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  1. Stuck here

    Stuck here Member

    I really, really want to leave this world now. I neglected my cat and now he is gone. My kids cat, my cat. Now I am dead inside. I have killed myself by this deed. Now I'm stuck here, cuz I have kids. I really, really want to DIE. He was a gift sent to me by God and I destroyed him. I am evil. Am I the Devils pawn? How could this happen? How could I allow it to happen? How does one continue on after neglecting a life? I am the lowest of the low, and I should be dead. I shouldn't be allowed to breath anymore. How do I go on?
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome @Stuck here to the forum. What about reaching out for help? *hugs* I'm sorry about your cat.
  3. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    I am still grieving the loss of my beloved orange tabby, Jack. I feel really guilty and bad and I keep having flashbacks to his death. I am so sorry for your loss, please do reach out to me. You don't have to be totally alone with this, and I think I can understand some of what you are experiencing. I know it is a very deep pain that you feel.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry about what happened.

    But I am sure you didn't do this on purpose. I understand how awful you must feel, but this is not the end of the world. I know it hurts to lose an animal you love; but this is not the end.

    Please don't give up. Perhaps you would be better off reaching out for some help? Talking to a counselor would help you.
    What about taking in a cat from a shelter, would that somehow make up for it? You could get an older cat that would have a hard time being adopted or something... wouldn't that somehow make up for it, just a bit?
  5. Stuck here

    Stuck here Member

    When I feel stable/healthy enough I will let the kids get another cat. But for now I don't trust myself to care for another life right now. I am in shock from what I did. I can't believe what I did. I killed a part of myself when I did this. Killed a part of my family (which is most important to me). I now have to live with the memories of not taking him to get proper help, thinking that I could cure him or something. Looking back now I think he suffered considerably because of my stupidity. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. I have always tried to live by this motto. How does one move one after destroying such an innocent precious life?
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    you at least tried to help him, that's something! You can't control what happens.
    One thing you can do is learn from this experience, and the next time you take in another cat, give them all the love you have, and use what you learned. You did not do this on purpose, remember that. It does not make you a bad person
  7. Stuck here

    Stuck here Member

    Did I do this just to prove to everyone just how much pain I am in? Why would I make an innocent suffer? I think I was projecting myself on the cat. I have never seen a doctor for my many painful, chronic, serious health issues. I saw that he needed help and denied it to him. Now that he is gone I am finally going to see a doctor, which adds more guilt to my story. Why didn't I bring him to a doctor? I want him back and I can't go back. I want to end this pain! I never understood how people could treat the ones they love so bad. Now it has happened to me and I still don't understand.
  8. Stuck here

    Stuck here Member

    What I did was psychopathic I think. I am trying to deal with the fact that I'm a psychopath now, and that is a hard pill to swallow. Nobody wants toto socialize with a cat neglector. Now I can't stop the images of him hiding/losing appetite and me not taking him to the vet. It grips my heart like a vice when I think of it (which is constantly)
  9. Stuck here

    Stuck here Member

    I want permission from everyone, my family, the whole world to tell me it is ok to kill myself. Please, I want to die. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. I'm only 38. I might have to live with these memories for 40 more years? No! No! No! I don't want to. I feel I killed Jesus. I crucified that cat and he died for my sins. I made him bear a terrible cross. I didn't do enough to help. I made everything shit when I had an opportunity to make things better.
  10. bobbob

    bobbob SF Supporter

    If you were a pyschpath, then you wouldnt give a damn about what happened to the cat. You are clearly somebody who cares deeply about animals and other people. We have all done things that we regret. But you cant change them. Best you can do is get on with making the future good.
  11. Deety

    Deety SF Supporter

    I am sorry you are suffering, and that your cat passed away. You didn't actively do anything bad to your cat though, you simply lacked the mental resources to get help for it. When I am depressed I tend to notice less what is going on around me, such as an animal being sick. Also, it can be very hard to accept something is wrong when you feel unable to cope with it.
    Would you forgive a friend or family member if a similar situation happened to them? I think you need to begin trying to forgive yourself. The circumstances of what happened are understandable, you loved your cat and did not try to cause any harm. Being unable to provide the best care for your animal when you are struggling for your own survival does not mean you are a psychopath, but simply that you are human and had too much to deal with at the time.
    bobbob likes this.
  12. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    I wanted to say again, I can relate a whole lot to what you have shared. I even told my therapist at the time that I knew I was a sociopath. He disagreed with me, very strongly, but I felt like if he had all the details he would agree I was a sociopath. It took a long while and some processing, and I am nowhere near done yet. But I know I am not a sociopath, because I *do* care about animals and definitely *did not* want the bad things to happen.

    I wish I had done more to help. I wish I had been able to function enough and in the best (or at least sufficient) way to be a better pet owner. But I can't go back, and I really really need to grieve that loss. I need to grieve it fully. And that scares me. I do intend to join a grief group, you might want to Google "pet grief groups" in your area. I know there are some where I live. I also want to order the book Goodbye, Friend, but even just typing that title makes me cry right now so I don't think I will be able to read it yet. There are a few books like that, about losing an animal. I think it's Goodbye, Friend or a similar book that has a chapter about accidental deaths or deaths where the owner "could have" done something but didn't/ was unable to. I think this would really help you.

    Self-forgiveness is very hard to get to, but I think you can take some steps to get there. Finding a grief group, talking to a grief counselor, and reading pet loss focused books should help ease at least a bit of your pain. I intend to take those same steps. I will let you know how it goes. I do think healing is possible.
  13. Stuck here

    Stuck here Member

    Thank you CandleLight and Deety for your words. I am having an impossible time forgiving myself. Your words are causing me a great release of emotion. I cannot say how much I appreciate your words. Thank you, Thank you.
    CandleLight likes this.
  14. Fading_Awayy

    Fading_Awayy SF Supporter

    Awww sorry for your loss *hugs* : ( it's not your fault hun the fact that you feel so guilty shows how much you really cared hope you feel better soon .
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry that you lost your precious cat. You didn't neglect the cat deliberately, you loved your cat, i think you would benefit from counselling. If you ever need to talk I am always around ((hugs)) don't be so hard on yourself.
    Brian777 likes this.
  16. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Cats are really good at hiding their symptoms. Once they crash they crash hard. a lot people go thru this you're not alone. Even experienced cat owners or rescues go through this themselves and get help too late themselves. Even vets have to say it over and over to console the owners. Cats are by nature apt to hide /conceal that they're ill or sick....
    Brian777 likes this.
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