Umpteenth funeral

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by ThePhantomLady, Sep 22, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    So, Saturday I am attending yet another funeral.

    By now I've lost over 2/3 of my family to cancer over the last 10 years.

    This time it hasn't even hit home yet. I've not reacted really... and it's not that I don't care. I do! This was a really sweet old lady but as my therapist suggested it may be that she has been gone for a while... she had dementia the last years. She quickly went from bad to worse on that and yeah... she hasn't been 'her' for years now.

    I'm nervous about the funeral. I have my clothes laid out already...

    The main problem is that some years ago I stopped attending funerals. I couldn't handle it; and especially after I overheard a widow at her husband's funeral whisper to someone that she felt so sorry for me being so young attending so many funerals... I just agreed with myself it was kinder to stay away.

    But yeah, this time I'm going. I know you can't avoid death in your life... I've just had more than enough.

    And I feel guilty for even posting this.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hugs. Sorry for the loss. Hugs.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Phantom - you have nothing to feel guilty about, although unfortunately I can and do understand why you might feel that way. I think you should go if you wish to go and not go if you'd rather not. Whatever is the right thing for you personally, is the right thing for you to do. Nevermind what anyone else thinks and similar.

    Recently I skipped a memorial for someone. I just couldn't face it and particularly somewhere that I couldn't sneak out of when I wished and when/if things became too much.

    I'm very sorry for all of your losses, look after yourself during this time.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I stopped going to funerals when my grandfather died 31 years ago. It was too traumatic for me and triggered my anxiety and panic attacks. I had some choice words thrown my way, but I feel right about my decision. I can mourn in my own fashion because I have to make sure that I take care of myself first. I'm sorry you're having so many you feel obliged to go?
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I went today... a part of me is a little glad I did... but it was tough and it triggered a lot... I'm pretty numb though.

    The funeral was awful. The priest was fiddling with papers, making it a big show about him and seemed to forget it was a funeral... but the wake was good. This lady's family are a lot more lively than mine (well, technically we're related. She was my grandfather's brother's wife)... and there was a lot of laughs even; remembering all the funny things about her in speeches. People were glad to see me too...

    But yeah, I felt a bit 'forced' to go. Especially as I don't work I didn't have a good excuse and in a few weeks I'm attending the daughter's Birthday. So yeah...

    But I got through it.

    Funerals will never be my favourite thing though... I've had to attend way too many (I refuse to count them). And it triggers my suicidal thoughts pretty bad.
    Frances M likes this.
  6. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I'm glad you got through it. I guess at some point I'll have to face it, but only when the time comes that it's my bf or another one of my pets. We don't really do funerals though, meaning church and cemetery. We both have decided on cremation and no wakes, so I think that's something that would be easier on me. I hope it'll be a long time before you have to attend another one. I take the easy way out by not going, you're stronger than you think you are. xx
  7. Randomness

    Randomness Active Member

    My first two experiences were in elementary school, and it just kept continuing. Just remember, it's about supporting the family. That doesn't mean you have to go to the funeral, though, if you can't. Something I sometimes prefer to do is go to the ... I don't know what you call it ... but where they meet at someone's house (or church hall) after the service is over. Sometimes people don't even realize you weren't there. Or they'll be like, "Oh! I didn't see you!" I think it's okay to say, "I wanted to be here to support the family, but I knew I couldn't handle the service." Meanwhile, think about a side you can put in the freezer, so you arrive with something in-hand.
    I'm glad you found some fun times within the funeral. Sometimes that's hard. It sounds like you handled it very well, though!