Underage Borderline

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Tiger, Jun 27, 2016.

  1. Tiger

    Tiger Well-Known Member

    I haven't posted in a while because I've been dealing with a lot of different stuff. I came back from hospital this morning after trying to kill myself. I did this because my mum shouted at me because she was upset. It was an absolutely pathetic reason and it makes me feel pathetic every time I think about it.

    Anyway, it leads me to my point. I've been thinking more about BPD/EUPD and whether or not I have it. I have every single one of the main symptoms, and most of the subs symptoms. I'm even treated through Dialectical Behavioural therapy. And the fact I was so impulsive and reckless and upset by such a small thing really makes me think about this.

    However, I'm 15 and hormonal so I'm too young and changeable to be diagnosed. I know that people can start showing traits from a young age and I'm pretty sure that's what I've been doing since I was really young. The BPD page on this forum points out that these behaviours can be picked up from a young age. I told my therapist that I think I jump so fast between loving and hating people is because my dad has always treated our family in a similar way. She seemed pleased with that conclusion but now wants me to see a psychologist because apparently she can't help me enough?

    As someone who has this constant overwhelming obsession with being validated I am obviously very keen to get diagnosed. I know that can't happen at my age and I'm starting to come to terms with it. I wish I could admit to my therapist how much research I've done and how I'm pretty sure I have BPD but I'm terrified of her turning me away because I'm an 'attention seeker' or I'm manipulating her by finding out symptoms and pretending I have them. Maybe I am? I don't know anymore.

    As it is, I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm delusional and I'm starting to think that I might be. She slipped in the term 'schizophrenic' in one of our discussions and she never brings up a term unless she's dismissing them. I know that most schizophrenics only have delusions but I'm pretty sure I'm not schizophrenic as my delusions are more subtle and small - like finding clues in things. I think this is called a 'delusion of reference'. I know that a few years ago I was definitely delusional about my existence, feeling I was more important than everyone else and was some kind of messenger/saviour/something illogical. I still get that sometimes but now I'm aware its wrong and stupid.

    I don't really know where this rant is going, only I know I'm getting more and more ill. I have thoughts that I can't get out of my head, violent thoughts and urges that I'm losing control over, seeing clues that are leading me to dangerous things, disassociating a lot of times. My mood swings are better than usual at least but can be changed by the smallest of things. I feel pretty lost and empty and confused all the time but I'm just grateful that I'm still fighting through it.

    If anyone here has BPD/EUPD I'd love to talk to you and I hope everyone has a good day and something nice happens to you :)

    - Tiger
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It is probably not wise to try and label yourself with BPD whilst you are too young to be formally diagnosed with this illness. The brain and personality is still maturing at this age, so whilst things are as they are now, you may feel and behave differently by the time you are 18. By all means talk about your symptoms, but I don't think you should associate yourself with the illness.