Understand me?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by cordial1, Aug 11, 2012.

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  1. cordial1

    cordial1 Well-Known Member

    So. Here's the deal.. I have probably been successfully avoiding this website for some time now. I can claim I'm better. I can move on with my life and the relationships I have. But let me spell something out. This may be simply a temporary crazy fit I'm having, or this may be myself takin the time to stop bullshitting myself. I'm not well. There, I said it. I made it real again. I have been pondering this for a little bit, slowly reaching out for help... No one has taken the bait. I feel like I should be able to tell someone that I don't feel well and that they should give me the due effort of asking why? Well.. That's just not quite the case. Now, I'm not going to kill myself today. Not by any means. I have student loans and scholarships that are yet to be paid. I'm going to in the very least blow that money first. I am not happy. I am stressed. Anxiety swallows me while. I feel like shit. I look like shit. I do nothin all day every day. I feel my personality slip away from me day after day. I'm going to feel bad if I suicide on y roommate. She doesn't deserve that. But I'm selfish. I am selfish. Selfish selfish selfish. I want what I want. I want to feel good. I want to be healthy. I want to graduate college. Marry my best friend. Have him understand the struggles I face and be a little more than clueless about how to help me. But I'm impatient. I'm not the only impatient one either, he is impatient too. I need a break, a release, a safe place. An alternate reality. Out. SF used to be my safe place but now I only feel like a stranger somewhere I used to call comfort. This is me reaching out I suppose. This is me rambling on, lack of sleep, lack of support. Lack of understanding. Understand me?
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you came back here to visit. Life is full of ups and downs, just for some of us the downs go a fair bit lower than for others. I suspect you fall into that category quite well. It is, in all fairness, difficult for somebody that has never been depressed to understand what depression is. They liken it to the feeling when their sports team loses "I am so depressed the Laker's lost again". Yhey do not undersatand in anyway the darkness it leaves us in when we say we are depressed.

    You are still able to se that you need help, and have the strength to reach out for that help- Please continue to do so until you find the support you need. Consider having a real talk about it with your boyfriend, with a book to give him about or at least one of the cheesy pamphlets from the Dr's office "understanding depression" or some such. You may also want to get early help- student counseling services
    at the college or university you are attending may be able to help significantly if it is just starting to get bad again- far more so than after you wait for 2 years of being miserable before trying to get help.


    Take Care

    Ben
     
  3. cordial1

    cordial1 Well-Known Member

    I'm just so frustrated with everything, myself included. I feel like I'm living a lie and pretending to be happy. I don't want to pretend anymore. I want to be able to struggle admit I am depressed and be accepted for it, instead of having to do it alone, behind closed doors. But my parents just think I'm in bitchmode because we're always fighting. It seems like the more depressed I get, the more confrontational I get. Someone would think a person's own parents would realize a pattern between behaviors, because last summer I almost killed myself. I did the counseling thing for as long as I could afford it. I'm going to try student health again, I just fear because last time they told me that I was a long term care situation and they don't handle those. I want to be better. I dont get some sort of weird pleasure out of this b.s... It is just hard to not be well, and it is getting harder to fake it.
     
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