Undiagnosed

[Anchorite]

What is worse, being misdiagnosed or being undiagnosed?
I've been living with suicidal ideation for most of my life. I'm just a quitter. A compulsive loser and failure who just can't be bothered. The amount of volition that it takes to end your life means that I'm mainly still alive because I'm just too lazy to see it through.
Processed by the doctors from time to time - usually along the lines of 'you're autistic' and how not much can be done unless I pass the silly tests they make you do to somehow prove that you are, or aren't. Not content that this great revelation is somehow going to be enough, they insist on the usual course of antidepressants, talk of therapy that never materialises and reassurance that you can 'talk' about it. So I've been alternately told that I'm depressed, have a personality disorder and now apparently obsessive-compulsive on account of my sexual repression. But they never seem to communicate. They're happy to crap all over your medical notes and change it all to suit them at any given time, but they always think they're right. And when it's clear that they're not, and that nothing is helping, they know that there is nowhere else to go as they have a monopoly over healthcare. So I'm back to the same suicidal ideation that I've always had, just because I'm so fed up of not getting the help I need, not being taken seriously, and just not getting anywhere.
The money runs out, the reality of being able to work in body but not in mind kicks in, the complete dependency on the remaining vestiges of social services causes the depression to overwhelm, and there is just no escape anymore from this hellish nightmare, other than to stay alive because other people need you to do so. So I stay alive.

A

 

[Here Then Gone]

What is worse, being misdiagnosed or being undiagnosed?

I believe misdiagnosed, because it adds even more confusion to dig yourself out of. '

But they never seem to communicate. They're happy to crap all over your medical notes and change it all to suit them at any given time, but they always think they're right. And when it's clear that they're not, and that nothing is helping, they know that there is nowhere else to go as they have a monopoly over healthcare. So I'm back to the same suicidal ideation that I've always had, just because I'm so fed up of not getting the help I need, not being taken seriously, and just not getting anywhere.

This is why I've learned over time to save my $ and just avoid them because they're not helping, and often come from a condescending point of view. It's very frustrating and painful as you say.

I've been living with suicidal ideation for most of my life. I'm just a quitter. A compulsive loser and failure who just can't be bothered. The amount of volition that it takes to end your life means that I'm mainly still alive because I'm just too lazy to see it through.

I don't know why so many take this point of view and blame themselves for something that isn't your fault. Trying to take your life, not trying to take your life, not being able to take your life, etc only an uncompassionate fool in real life would blame someone using this logic. It doesn't make you a loser, failure, or quitter. Dealing with suicide/depression for any reason is one of the hardest things someone can do in this world, and being honest and talking about it deserves the biggest award ever because many won't do that out of false pride or fear. In my darkest times, I try to remind myself of what is true and what isn't, and what isn't is I know I am not a loser and none of this is my fault. I hope that doesn't offend you and/or helps somewhat.