Unemployed, no future and considering suicide

[Katrin]

I've been unemployed/under-employed for years. I feel totally worthless and I have no future. I keep coming back to the idea of suicide as the only way out.

I'm aged 35, qualified to PhD level in science/technology. I did everything society tells you to do: worked hard and qualified at the highest possible level, racked up a lot of student loans and had reasonable expectations of a professional career at the end of it all. However I lost my job due to budget cuts five years ago, and after numerous unsuccessful job applications there's no chance of getting back on track now because I've been out of it for too long.

I'm happy to change careers and have tried applying for other professional jobs in similar fields, but the answer is always the same: I'm over-qualified, I lack commercial experience, I'm too old for entry level positions, etc. I've even applied for minimum wage jobs because I need the money, but they always say I'm over-qualified and they don't think I'd fit in with the other employees, they don't think I'd enjoy the job or would want to stay in the long term, etc. It's not enough to be willing to work because you need the money - you also have to convince the employer that it's what you truly love and want to do as a career, and when you have a PhD it's difficult to convince the employer that you really want a career as a checkout cashier.

To make things worse, in some cases I've been turned down for jobs because I "make people feel uncomfortable". I'm "withdrawn", "weird", "too quiet" and "don't smile". I'm "not personable", "not talkative" and "not friendly enough", meaning I would "struggle to make friends with other team members" and "customers won't engage with someone they don't connect with on a personal level" (these are actual quotes from rejection letters). I admit I'm socially awkward, but this wasn't a disadvantage in the research environment I used to work in (in fact it was quite common among the highly intelligent people I worked with). However it appears to be a deal breaker for the rest of the world, and it's incredibly painful and personal when employers criticize and reject you based on personality factors which have no impact on your ability to actually do the job. It appears that my qualifications and skills have no value if I'm not chatty and popular.

I've spent the last five years doing part-time temp work just to survive; I've been under-paid, under-valued, disrespected and have cried every single day because I feel worthless. Now I don't even have that any more. I'm unemployed, severely depressed and struggle to even get out of bed. My self esteem and confidence are rock bottom due to multiple rejections over several years, and I'm afraid to even try any more because the constant rejection is destroying me. I have no friends and never have had. I got married to someone who's lucky enough to have a well paid job, and since we got married the bullying about "not pulling my weight" is constant. I'm tired of being shouted at (until I cry) because I "need to contribute". I can't cope with it any more. I wish I could be successful and contribute equally but my current situation is not through choice.

The only way out I can see is suicide. I've considered getting divorced so at least I wouldn't be yelled at and made to cry because I'm worthless - but I have nowhere else to go and no means to support myself. I can't get a job. I can't change my personality. I can't see any future for myself except perhaps soul destroying minimum wage employment, and crying because all my gifts have been wasted and I'm constantly being bullied because I don't contribute enough. I had hoped for so much more and I really don't want this life. I just want to admit that I failed and call an end to the whole sorry situation, but I am too cowardly to even do that, because I'm afraid it will be painful and I don't want to upset my parents. I don't know what response I'm expecting because there isn't a solution to this situation.

 

[lifetalkz]

Hello Katrin-I know the place you are describing very well. I came dangerously close to having to live in my car many years ago. I could not summon up the courage to walk out of my front door and involve myself in the world outside-I was paralyzed with fear and anxiety for a very long time. It seemed that I'd lost everything and everyone that had ever mattered to me so why go on? I couldn't imagine anything ever getting any better. Obviously-I am still here. Over time, things did get better in my life. What helped me a lot was focusing my attention on the present-not the past or future. I took things one day at a time-focused only on the here and now. Instead of freaking out over the terrible things that MIGHT happen to me in the future, or dwelling on the disappointing things that had happened to me in my past I fixed my gaze upon the reality of what was standing right in front of me in present time.

I was completely broke so I made a point of spending a lot of time in nature-I took long walks around my neighborhood every day. I too was stuck in a painful relationship at the time. I put a significant amount of distance between myself and that person so that I could separate my feelings from theirs. I got very Zen about my life-went to the library a lot and studied subjects that were trivial, but interesting to me. I got myself out of the place that I called home and put myself in situations where I was around a lot of people (like shopping malls and public parks), although I rarely interacted with the people around me. I also went to 12-step groups several times a week so that I could have an opportunity to express my feelings in a safe environment where no one would judge me. There are many different activities that you can involve yourself in, that don't cost much money, and will help you get through this difficult time. I do not believe that suicide is an answer to your problem-you are in a dark period of your life now, but things can and will get better. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk more about the ways that I pulled myself out of the deep, dark well of despair. Good luck-LT

 

[Desperatelylonely]

Hello, I am a 16 year old kid, with no prior job experience at all, but I can tell you for sure that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And for sure you are not worthless or useless though you feel you are, holding a pHD is a pretty big deal. And mate, trust me, you will make it through this someday, this experience that you are going through now will only make you tougher, stronger better. As tough as it can be, try to smile more, you don't necessarily have to engage in concersations with everybody, just nod and smile will do. Also, try doing what you like to do, your passion, your hobby, and perhaps find people with similar interests. And ya know, do those things together. Alas, your partner, as you described, does not seem very encouraging, but take those words as motivations, use them to push yourself to go through everyday. Your parents didn't raise a quitter, you are a fighter. I'm sure you will get through this difficult period. I wish you all the best and good luck. I hope that my words are of some use to you. As I said, I have no experience in the working field, but all I know is that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Believe in yourself.

 

[may71]

Hi Katrin, welcome to SF.

Have you looked into vocational rehabilitation? They can help you with job training and applying for a job. There's probably work out there somewhere for someone with your level of qualifications.

Do you feel like your relationship is salvageable? If so going into couples counseling might be a good idea.

If not, you may be able to get an alimony payment in a divorce settlement that could support you. I think divorce lawyers often work on a contingency-fee basis, meaning that they take a cut of your settlement, rather than being payed cash on an hourly basis.