updated

[1Lefty]

Guilty, ungrateful, overwhelmed, selfish

If, a year ago, I made a list of what I thought would make me happy, I would look at it today, those wants have been filled. And even more than I would have hoped for.

I'm not happy. I'm getting ready to move into a new situation, with a woman that I can grow old(er) with. She exceeds any of my hopes, too.
Instead, I've been throwing out my past in the form of physical possessions. Most of them remind me of loved ones passed on, and in almost all ways, I'm the last person who will find any value to them or use for them. It feels like betrayal to separate myself from them. And I realize that even if I kept more of those things, things aren't the people I'm missing, just something that reminds me of them.
Earlier, I had the thought that my long term plan had been to die in my house eventually, let the material things and memories consume me until I became one of them.

I'm whining, life is wonderful, I want to die.

And then there's the thought, that for me, the disease of depression is independent of my situation. Like having someone or something doesn't provide exemption from any other disease.

peace

 

[AmberMarie]

Thank you for the update. i understand the conflicting thoughts and feelings. i know you are strong. And it helps that you have someone beside you. However, i also feel you would be able to do this... even if you didnt have someone beside you. i say this because i have seen your strength. And have come to admire that strength. It helps you persevere through nearly anything.

 

[1Lefty]

another update - it's long

It's something of a late anniversary post -
Sometime in mid-October, 14 years ago, I came here. I was just out of my second time as an inpatient on a locked floor, after an attempt. I think I was given this site on a resource handout, and I promised my sisters, at a family meeting there, that I would follow up. I'm still here (as in still living) and this community was (is) a significant part of my surival. For the first few years, though, I was struggling, and there was another attempt. And another 10 day round in a psych ward. This place was supportive, at a time when I really felt like I was a failure. And the depression was strong.

There was also therapy, and finding meds that worked.

Still, I was isolating for over a decade and almost my only contact with the outside word was here.
Then a couple of years ago, I did want companionship IRL. I met someone on a dating site, though we never actually met, we developed a friendship and she also had a role, in that she provided one-on-one real-time interaction. She kind of pulled me out of my role as a hermit. Then that door closed, as had happened with her a few times before.
And about mid-October last year, someone else responded to my profile. We met, and romanced, though it was almost already established though texts and then phone. Now we're going to be living together as soon as she can get here from halfway across the US.
Still, my SI has come back, for several reasons, something like imposter syndrome or that this relationship will crash, and I'll be worse off than before . And depression could still take me out. Even with medication, though it's mostly not the disabling thing it once was.
I started smoking cigarettes again, even after heart surgery and successful cardio therapy. One step back, but I've quit before, I plan to quit again. After the move is complete. And maybe adjust my meds, but my psych doc left, and I haven't found a new one yet. And find a new primary care. And maybe a GI, to talk about the most recent weight loss.

I don't know if I'm happy, but I'm in a better mood.

I think that's most of it, thanks for reading

Peace

 

[AmberMarie]

i appreciate and am ecstatic to hear of your new update. How far you have come. Your struggles, your past, plans you have for your current future. (i wish there were no struggles, however, i have come to understand the more one struggles, the more they know happiness) i am excited for your future. And i am grateful for your past.

i know this sounds strange... to be grateful for your past. i have many reasons for that. Even though you have struggled greatly, you have shown the ability to persevere and come out on top. You have proven it's possible. You have been able to learn. You have found SF, and the pain and struggles you have gone through, have helped many, countless, of others on SF, and i am sure in person as well. Even though you are struggling with si... you are able to keep going. You show your strength, even when it feels as if you have none. You wouldn't be here if you didn't.

Those are just a small handful of the reasons i am grateful for you, for your past, and for you sharing your past.

Sending hugs! And Thank You,

 

[1Lefty]

I'm ok, I'm at a good point in my life. I've had several days now that have been good. I'd even say happy. Unlike years before when it seemed like I seldom had one. Not that it was all doom and gloom, I think one of my primary sensations I remember was a non-sensation, that of being numb. One of my biggest fears then was that I wouldn't die soon enough. It's different now.

Peace