Stood on a steep drop-off from a hill today and didn't feel afraid at the thought of letting myself fall... which scared me. Thought about what it would feel like. Didn't bother me. I backed off eventually because I felt a magnetic pull like I might just throw myself in without choice.
Driving, I was speeding like a moron aiming the car straight at a tree where the road was curving. Pulled away before anything happened. Playing with seriously injuring myself. It didn't scare me to think of experiencing that. It was exhilarating. The only thing that scared me was what I'd have to deal with after... my angry parents, the medical bills, the ruined car... since I probably wouldn't die.
It was a weird, fearless calm. I felt almost ready to give in to the impulse. When I see an image in my head of hurting myself, I am compelled to carry it out. This is how self-harm works. I am afraid this is how suicide will work for me too, when the impulse becomes strong enough. I won't be in control.
Driving, I was speeding like a moron aiming the car straight at a tree where the road was curving. Pulled away before anything happened. Playing with seriously injuring myself. It didn't scare me to think of experiencing that. It was exhilarating. The only thing that scared me was what I'd have to deal with after... my angry parents, the medical bills, the ruined car... since I probably wouldn't die.
It was a weird, fearless calm. I felt almost ready to give in to the impulse. When I see an image in my head of hurting myself, I am compelled to carry it out. This is how self-harm works. I am afraid this is how suicide will work for me too, when the impulse becomes strong enough. I won't be in control.
