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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by elvinchild, Sep 4, 2009.

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  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Stood on a steep drop-off from a hill today and didn't feel afraid at the thought of letting myself fall... which scared me. Thought about what it would feel like. Didn't bother me. I backed off eventually because I felt a magnetic pull like I might just throw myself in without choice.

    Driving, I was speeding like a moron aiming the car straight at a tree where the road was curving. Pulled away before anything happened. Playing with seriously injuring myself. It didn't scare me to think of experiencing that. It was exhilarating. The only thing that scared me was what I'd have to deal with after... my angry parents, the medical bills, the ruined car... since I probably wouldn't die.

    It was a weird, fearless calm. I felt almost ready to give in to the impulse. When I see an image in my head of hurting myself, I am compelled to carry it out. This is how self-harm works. I am afraid this is how suicide will work for me too, when the impulse becomes strong enough. I won't be in control.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Next time you get this urge pull over so you don't harm anyone else on road. These urges are just that urges and one can choose not to listen to them or act on them. Please next time you feel you don't have control call crisis for help okay stay safe.
  3. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you feel so bad.I wish I had advice.But maybe you need more intensive therapy and medication.You shouldn't have to live this way.Can you tell your therapist (i hope you have one).Violet is right..it isnt just you that is in danger..its others on the road.:unsure:
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