Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by rnoll, Jan 7, 2015.

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  1. rnoll

    rnoll Member

    This has been bothering me since May/June 2014 and really hit the some "badness" on July 20th, 2014. I have not been able to shake this "depression" since July 2014. What caused this is the feeling that a friend, or someone who I thought is a friend, decided to radically change a trip that he sold to me as a "guy trip."

    Before this trip, I had taken four vacation days to help them out. Two to watch plumbers fix a leak and another two so they can go to a wedding and celebrate Valentines. I can and will put a dollar amount to those days, those four days amounted to near $1100 in wages. The plumbing days consisted of watching their house and waiting for the plumbers. The next two days were actually part of a weekend where I watched all of their animals (5 dogs, 4 guinea pigs, 1 chinchilla, 1 rabbit, 1 fish bowl, 1 fish tank, and 2 Koi ponds). We were later talking to another neighbor a short time after the second weekend where he tells me that watching his house is not work. Basically, that told me he did not appreciate the time that I took to help them out.

    I also helped them many times to clean their Koi pond and small animal cages.

    My friend wanted to go on the Jeep Jamboree and he asked me after asking his family and friends, but from what he told me his friends and family would not be able to go on the trip due to the registration of $770. The registration required that there be a minimum of two people per Jeep. So, that equates to $385 per adult. I offered to cover the registration, and we would work out some way of repayment. I offered to accept repayment by him paying for fuel until he hit the $385 amount then we would split fuel costs.

    Refunds are paid back in full before a certain date and gradually go down a percentage as the first day approaches. Unfortunately, refunds are made to the driver not to the person who paid the registration.

    About two months before going on the Jeep Jamboree 2014 I was just flat-out told that my friend’s wife will be coming. She just said, "I’m coming." Well, she is to put it nicely very difficult. She could be happy one moment and the next just turned to be very difficult in the next moment. My friend did not even warn me or do anything beforehand to give me a way out of going on this trip. What this meant is that while the wife was coming, she was not actually going on the Jamboree, this meant that now instead of it being an easy trip, now I had to deal with the difficult wife, daughter, and five dogs all the the vehicle.

    On the Saturday before Father’s Day 2014, the friend and his wife went to an four wheel drive store to look at some parts and pick up some accessories. On their way back, apparently, their Jeep "takes a shit." The way that I know this is I receive a call telling me this, and the call gets dropped. I figure that they want me to come look for them. Which I did since it was not too far away from the area (probably max was 10 to 15 miles from home).

    The Jeep "taking a shit" lead to the next few weeks trying to diagnose and fix the problem. A couple of the Jeep club members came to help, and I just observed, stayed out of the way, and just tried to learn something by observation.

    The diagnoses process was very tedious. I put in near another $1000 in to getting the Jeep running again. I fronted the money for the spark coil and refurbished computer. A good portion of that was paid back. Out of that probably about $180 or so was the portion that I took on to help out. The computer was the last thing I put money up to replace parts, but before that, I put up on my credit card a whole new set of injectors (around $270 for 6), rocker kit, and gaskets (near $500).

    I expressed a few times how nervous I am about going on this trip with her there, but he basically says to ignore her if she starts to get on my nerves. There was also a time where I was listening to a conversation after a "fixing session" where I hear her say, "He’s lucky to be going." I told my neighbor that statement bothered me because it sounded like she did not want me to go. I guess this was a misunderstanding on my part because when I said told him that he said that he was the one who was lucky to be going.

    Somewhere in all of the work, my neighbor tells me that his wife told him, "I hope he does not expect to be in the front the whole time." Well, I told him, that I actually did. Then it goes in to a whole speel of oh his wife gets sick on the curves to South Lake Tahoe so she needs to be in front or if I wanted to smell human barf. Yeah, just wonderful, this trip is turning out to be a subsidized vacation for him and his family, and I am just the tag-a-long; even though, I have put up around $1700 for this trip before leaving.

    On July 19th, he finally gets around to taking off the hard top on the Jeep. I had previously agreed to store it in my garage while on the trip. After he gets it off, we have a chat for a while, and I propose that I would like it if she sat up front going on the trip up and I would like to sit up front on the way back. He said that was "non-negotiable." I say that I kind of wish that they would not go, to which he replies that, "is his family." I found that statement funny since that was the first time he had "defended" his family and he was saying that the only reason why she wanted to go is to buy a ferret. So, this leads me to think that they had always planned for him to take his family, and he just needed me to go because he needed a second person and someone to pay the registration.

    So that all happens before even leaving for the Jamboree. We leave for the Jamboree on July 22nd. Up to the first rest stop I sit up front. The first rest stop is about 80 miles away. That was the only time I sat up front the rest of the time I was stuck in the back with the dogs which one kept sneezing on my knee and another kept trying to jump on me. Probably the only thing that did not make me loose my mind was the young big dog had his nose against my shoulder a few times. When we get to his family’s house, let’s just say I was incredibly uncomfortable the whole time. If the friend was away and I was outside, I stayed outside. If he was away and I was in the assigned bedroom, I stayed in the assigned bedroom. That is how uncomfortable I was. I did not want to say or do anything that aggravated the wife because I was kind of afraid that if I had said or did anything that offended her she would just tell him to abandon me there. So, I just basically kept quiet.

    July 23rd was registration day. Registration day was very tough for me because we got lost. He forgot to ask me to get directions. He was swearing up a big storm during the whole time. It was very unpleasant. Since I do not like it when people tell me to calm down, etc, I do not tell people to calm down, I just try to figure out where we got lost. Eventually, we got to where we were supposed to register and got registered. Then we stayed at the entrance to the trail.

    July 24th was the first day of the trail. The morning before leaving he decided to test the transmission to make sure he can get in and out of four-by-four mode. Well, he picked the worst part because he was trying to change on a non-flat surface. He started doing the same thing he did the night before, except this time the group we were waiting for was going to be there in a short while. I suggested that maybe he needs to put it in neutral and whatever is wrong will work itself out. Unfortunately, I am not strong enough to push the Jeep. When the group arrived they suggested the same thing and we were able to get it working. However, one of the first things out of his mouth was something along the lines of just help me get this thing running so I can go home.

    The trail part was OK, but when we got to the campsite, there was not enough room for me to put up my tent. To say the least, I was pissed, but instead of cursing, I was being passive aggressive and just became silent. My "friend" decided to tell me to put my tent somewhere, and I was like where? There’s no where in this area. I think that was when I started to get really passive aggressive and even more silent. He then said to me, "I don’t want to put up with your attitude." Great, what did I just have to deal the late-afternoon before and in the morning. I do not remember cursing or anything.

    The rest of the trail was, for the most part okay. The drive back was basically the same--stuck in the back, dog sneezing on my knee, etc. The part about this is I have my headphones on the whole way back because the wife was non-stop complaining. I could not deal with it, so I had headphones on. (The semi-funny part about this is between songs I heard this phrase, "... fucking cigarette machines..."--yup cursing in front of her child, but that is normal.)

    A while after, he asks why I had headphones on and did not eat with them on the way back. Well, the "eating with them" on the way back was on the road because he could not find a shaded area to park for the dogs. I really did not want to eat with all the dogs in the car. The headphones I just made up some lame thing since I really did not want to get grilled since he basically gave me permission to have headphones in by saying to just ignore her.

    A week or so after that conversation, he knocks on my door asking for help applying for a credit card online. I help, and then he talks to me a little which boiled down to if he does something nice for his friend down the street he wants his friend down the street to do something nice for him. I wanted to tell him that the way his friend treats him is the way he has been treating me. Unfortunately, I bit my tongue. Then again, if I said anything I’m sure he would have turned it on me and made everything my fault. (It would not be the first time where a friend has done that to me.)

    I feel like such a loser. I do not have really anyone I trust. I am in the dark place again. Sometimes thinking about how, you know...

    So, all of that to realize again that I really do not have any friends in the area. As my last post mentioned, I thought a co-worker would be a close friend, but now I do not have much contact with co-workers outside of work. Now, I have another supposed friend that just does not care. (The co-worker and I get along, OK, but the friendship is not as close as it was before.) The neighbor I went on this trip with I keep revolving on these thoughts to the point that I am moving because I think it might start hurting my health soon.

    I’m tired of having this in my head. The co-worker says that I should get over it. I know I should, but I just cannot. It’s been near six months and I still dwell on the events. I thought I had a close friend that I could talk to--oh, wait, that should have tipped me off, this neighbor does not really like to listen. He likes to be the one talking all the time--one listens to this guy. I have listened to him complain about work, etc... but when I needed someone to talk to, he just laughed at my problem.

    I am probably "too loyal" as a friend. I have also been told that I am "too nice" to people. I just really want to hide and keep to myself from now on--especially after I move. Still, I would be pleasant to my neighbors but be distant. Basically, I will need to regress to being isolated was normal.

    I also fell in to the "sunk cost fallacy" too. Everyone who I conveyed this to said that I should not go on the trip. The main reason is the possibility of being abandoned there. Another was that my current state would be realized. But, I figured that I should go because I put all the cash in to it, and my neighbor when we were friends (I considered him my best friend, but I think he saw that and realized he could use me). I bet if I did not go, I would always wonder if I would have had a good time. Catch-22 for me, worst investment.

    Though, I guess there is a small bright part of the actual trail... the times when my neighbor was away from me were the best times. When I was at the camp site alone those were good times too. Just sitting there absorbing being outside my normal routine. Unfortunately, when I was alone in camp, my neighbor decided to come back earlier than the rest of the group. I actually would have preferred if he would have returned with the rest of the group.

    I do not know if I will ever get over this. Hard lesson. Part of me does miss my friend (maybe former), but I do not know. Part of me wants to just tell the guy off. My father sees how sad and angry I have gotten over this, and my father almost wants to punch the guy.

    I do not know. I know it is my character flaw. I did not have a close friend so I clung on to a neighbor. We did have fun hanging out, and I do miss one of his dogs. I do not want this to happen again, but the only way I can prevent this is to just keep to myself almost permanently.

    Thank you for reading.

    Any advice?
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I read this and wish I had something to offer for advice. Really you seem a very nice guy and willing to do anything you can to help out others. Unfortunately, many people in the world will not reciprocate that. I understand why it bothers you and seems unfair, but I do not see anything to do about the past trip except the same as others told you- move on. I also understand when something is eating at you it is very hard not to fixate on it. You do need to become a little more selfish to avoid it happening over and over again. When somebody asks you to do them a favor ask yourself "why would I do it and what does that get for me in return" - if you are not getting anything in return, and cannot honestly tell yourself that you feel good enough about offering even if you never get a thank you then you need to stop offering. It puts you in a position of being used a lot.

    Equally, the way to make true close friends is to be either equals or in clearly defined "roles" that both understand. You cannot make true friends by hoping a sense of obligation makes people treat you better. If they feel obligated to you because you offer so much it just makes many people uncomfortable over time. That sense of obligation makes them try to downplay your importance in their own mind so they do not feel guilty, and you pay the price by being treated like crap after having done far more than could be expected. Sometimes it even comes across as trying to buy friends, if not during the process than certainly as soon as is a disagreement of any type the first thought in their mind will be along the lines of "cant buy me and thinks because contributed more money gets decide all". Even if it is completely baseless in fact, that is the defense mechanism that kicks in for most people.

    You are clearly a really good and generous person, but I think you will have better luck making real friends if you limit your contributions of time and effort and money to the same level as the people you are trying to make friends with. There will not be the instant acceptance of offers to do things with, but they will be genuine.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have to learn to say NO NO ok because people will use you up they will take advantage of your gentle kind nature
    Therapy can help you learn to say that word without guilt therapy will teach you that YOU have to look out for YOU
    As NYJ said a friendship is equal give and take and if you do all the giving then it is not a friendship
  4. rnoll

    rnoll Member

    NYJmpMaster and total eclipse,

    Thank you both very much.
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