Very frightened after attack

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by tr1sha, Dec 18, 2010.

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  1. tr1sha

    tr1sha New Member

    I'm scared to move, scared to breathe, scared to go to sleep as I was awoken from sleep when this happened, scared to make a decision about anything. I'm paralyzed with fear and am afraid I'm going to lose my job. I can't seem to function well. I throw up everyday due to stress. I go to therapists and have been taking their pills. They are really the only outlet I have. I moved to a new town and don't really have friends yet. My mother is deceased and my father is a junkie. Most of my family is estranged. I feel very alone and overwhelmed. What I would give just to sleep next to a friend that I felt safe with. I feel that would give me some rest and some peace. I've been praying for relief, hope, and some lucidity. I know it sounds so desperate, but I would love to just be held. What happened to me was pretty brutal. I have alerted the police, gone to doctors, and did everything I was supposed to do in that regard. I'd rather not rehash the details as I know that's not the point and that's not what these boards are for. I suppose I'm looking for comfort and advice. Any ideas would be appreciated
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You're suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. You need to read up on it and learn as much as you can.
    What have the therapists said and what medication are you on?
    Have they taught you any coping strategies?
    I can't advise you on your job because I don't know where you are but if you are in the UK then there's a good chance you'd be covered by the DDA.
    If you're in a new town, have you looked for a local support group? That would be the best way to make friends with people who understand what you're going through.
    Are the police acting on the information you gave them? I ask because if you have to go through a court case then you'll need extra support.
    Other than that we can help with coping stategies and friendship. Feel free to pm me if you'd rather discuss things in private xxx
  3. kote

    kote Account Closed

    welcome to the forum!!!
    a huge safe hug from me and im sure everyone else.
    you are safe here no matter what you are going through.
    everyone here is reliable and concerned for you.
    think of us as your new extended family. we are world wide and we will support you even on the darkest of days.
    rest assured you are safe here to vent anything you feel and everyone understands.
    trust me - everyone has helped me constantly for 3 years. here is my safe place where as i feel safe no where else. ( comfy in bed with the laptop and everyone joining me and supporting me ) plus vis versa when im in a good place!!!
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Reach out to the professionals okay to the nurses at the hospital where you went. Ask them what supports there are in the community to help keep you feeling safe. The police ask for a female one that will perhaps be able to support you if you go to court with all this. You can talk here okay I hope if you get too afraid you call crisis line and talk to a real voice someone that can guide you into the supports you will need. Hugs for you okay you are not alone now we are here.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and is so tragic when safety and comfort is stolen in this way...glad you are seeking help, and know it does take time to feel right in your own skin again...wish I could give you that hug in RL, but I will send a cyber one with a warm heart...J
  6. tr1sha

    tr1sha New Member

    Yes, as another user said, I have post traumatic stress disorder among other things I'm sure. I'm quite familiar with it. I have a Bachelor's degree in psychology and although I know that far from qualifies me as a therapist, I am well read on mental disorders and dysfunction. The rape that I endured was quite traumatic. I was so injured from it that< edited Moderator total eclipse triggering> and I was in the hospital for more than a week due to broken bones and bruises. He had an audience. A look out person if you will. That's incredibly disconcerting to me--that somebody could watch that happen. I have been fully cooperating with the police, but nothing has turned up yet. This happened a few months ago, so I'm starting to lose faith that it ever will. I got a rape kit done when I was admitted among other things. There's not a whole lot more that I can do on the legal front.

    I did have a boyfriend that I tried to confide in. We had been together for roughly 5 years. Three days after letting me cry on his shoulder, holding my hands, and trying to talk me through this--he broke up with me. He said he was in love with someone else and that he couldn't ignore his feelings for her any longer. He told me to leave as I was at his house when he broke the news. He said she was on her way over. I got emotional over this and he said he was sick of me and having to deal with me. I know I'm far from perfect, that there are two sides to every story, and that I have much bigger problems right now, but this was adding insult to injury. I have talked to him little since.

    I do not live in the UK as someone else mentioned. I live in the US. Before this occurred, I was a fairly healthy person with goals. Now it's all I can do to get out of bed. On most days, I'm in bed almost all day with occasional trips to the bathroom for a hot bath. My thoughts race almost constantly, I think about suicide literally every hour, and I feel completely worthless. I want to die because I want relief. I know many will say that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but depression is something that has been with me in various ways for most of my life. My first suicide attempt was at 8 years old. It feels like a cancer--a dark cloud--that I can't escape. I loathe myself and try not to get close to anyone because I don't want to burden them. I'm not trying to undermine anyone's pain who has had cancer or loved someone who has suffered from it. I had uterine cancer once. I know what it's like physically to go through that kind of hell. For me, and I know this sounds sick and twisted, it was almost a relief. I had hoped that it would take me without the scary and seemingly insurmountable task of doing it myself. I felt that it was doing me and others a favor. I found catharsis in my nausea. In my many nights on the bathroom floor. I felt peace with what I hoped to be a near end.

    Life has been insufferable and full of pain for me. I would rather leave this world to others who feel joy and luck for being a part of all of this. I've had my share of other traumas and things that were less than a trauma that just fucked with my head. I had a son once that I found dead at 8 weeks old in his crib. He had never even had a cold. My pregnancy with him was healthy and uneventful. I had a healthy partner at the time and while I still struggled with depression, I wasn't anywhere near suicidal at that point. Discovering him like that was a living nightmare. My family and friends were supportive, but I have been relatively reclusive since.

    I've had a low feeling of self worth ever since I could remember. My step-dad often told me that I wasn't good at anything and that I would never amount to anything. He went as far as to say that he's pissed in better restaurants than I'll ever dream of eating in. He was cruel.

    Perhaps this was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I tried to be successful in school thinking that it would get me somewhere with stability. I was once a nursing major. I did well in the first semester with As in my courses. My second semester is when I was dealing with the uterine cancer. I tried to stick it out anyway and ended up failing one of my courses by literally 8/100's of a point. The program didn't round. With my issues, I probably didn't need to be a nurse anyhow, I told myself. I didn't want all my education to be a waste at this point, so I switched my major to psychology and excelled. I graduated on the Dean's list. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do with just a Bachelor's in psychology. I turned to teaching to try and get my certificate. I was in the program for a year and did well in graduate coursework. My student teaching experience was awful though and probably not helped by the fact that I had endured the rape just a month prior to its beginning. Of course, I didn't tell any of my instructors or mentors about that. I wanted desperately for something good to come out of this mess, but I should have exercised more caution.

    I ran away from my problems. I immersed myself into work to try and forget about what happened to me. I student taught from 630 am-500 pm because I had bus duties, teaching, after school care, and tutoring to consider. I also had to come up with lesson plans, attend two other courses at night related to my major, and work both weekend days to make ends meet. I literally didn't have a day off for several months. While I got decent performance reviews, I ended up hating the profession and my life. The mentor teacher was very hypercritical. I expected some criticism and took most of it constructively, but she was so negative that it was hard to be around. She constantly complained about parents, administrators, her peer teachers, the students, the weather, her paycheck. Anything was fair game. It was a toxic environment for me and one that I wasn't prepared for given what I had just gone through. I ended up withdrawing from the program. I finished my placement with my first teacher, but didn't go on to my second placement. I talked to the administrative director about my father--the junkie I had mentioned in previous post--who had had a heart attack while I was student teaching and the recent death of a cousin of mine to suicide. I felt that even in the best of classroom experiences, that I would have needed to withdraw due to this.

    Yes, my cousin who had long suffered from schizophrenia overdosed successfully on his psych meds. He's not the first in my family to have given in to this. I have another cousin who successfully hung herself after her marriage fell apart.

    I needed some time to take it all in. My depression worsened and is now worse than it has ever been. I'm still working part-time because I don't want to be homeless, but it's all I can manage to do. When I'm not at work, I'm in bed. I've been missing work lately due to hospitalizations. They've understood and kept me on, but I feel so guilty for this.

    I feel like such a failure. I tried unsuccessfully to have a nursing career. I quit teaching and it was probably for the best. The kids loved me and I performed well, but someone with my level of depression probably shouldn't be in that atmosphere anyway. I can promise you that I never let any fraction of all of this show around the children. The classroom was an escape and I put everything I had into it. It's a high stress job with a lot of long hours with grading, meetings, lesson plans, and extra duties. I needed "me" time and time to heal. Perhaps it was the wrong choice to begin with. I love kids and academia, so I thought it would be a good fit.

    Now I have a Bachelor's degree and untold debt, and little to show for it. Even if my depression weren't an issue, I would still have trouble getting and sustaining a job in this economy. I feel that I wasted my time and efforts. At least the person flipping burgers doesn't have the large student debt that I do and if I'm lucky, I'll end up right beside him.

    I know this is very long and rambling, but I don't feel like I have a friend in the world. Please pardon me.

    Someone asked what meds I'm on. Celexa and Abilify. I'm on something else for anxiety related nausea as well, but I can't remember its name.

    My days, my hours, are filled with jumbled thoughts, self-loathing, and terror. I'm scared of the future, paralyzed by my past, and obsessed about it all. Sleep is the only peace I seem to have at all which is why I spend so much time in bed. And I'm sure you can guess that even that is quite fitful.

    I haven't gone to support groups as others have mentioned. I'm usually a pretty private person and I fear that hearing from others who had gone through something similar might throw me into a panic attack. It might be a good idea later, but I don't think I'm ready for it now.

    I called a crisis line several times. I often get put on hold or get long awkward silences. No offense to those it has helped as I'm sure there are great volunteers on the end of some of these calls, but it hasn't helped me.

    Thanks for the well wishes and the virtual hugs--as silly as that sounds. They're more appreciated than you know.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2011
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It took courage to reach out here alot of it i know so good for you for that. The attack the memories will stay but with help you can conquer the fear okay
    It takes along time to heal from such a tragedy but with a caring psychologist that deals with trauma you can heal. You are better off away from the ex anyways he was no good for you YOu deserve so much better then that. How cruel of him how very cruel. Just know if you need someone to talk to to vent you can pm me you can post here get the pain out here okay. You can become that strong person again that stable person it just take time okay i know it seems unbeatable the pain and sadness but you can heal you have started to heal already by just coming here hugs.
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