waiting

[Bbear82]

my step brothers celebration of life was on the 18th they also included my biological brother in on it who passed two years ago to suicide as well. i am waiting on the ashes. i want them but at the same time dont. i know once i get them it will make it final it will mean they really are not coming back to me. it means i will be left behind in this world without my brothers. they left me. i miss my biological brother so much we were so much closer and i know that is mean to say but it is the truth. i know there are going to be some who judge me on that and i guess i will understand. it will hurt but there is a reason. my biological brother and i were raised together went through hell and every kind of abuse there is as we were growing up he was all i had. he was my protector my best friend. i met my step brother for the first time 15 years ago. we were not close. so yes judge me but it makes sense to me even though i may be wrong. i miss my biological brother and so afraid of getting his ashes. i dont want to admit that hes gone i dont want it to be final. i keep thinking you know maybe one day he will come back as stupid as it sounds i try to rationalize it. i know im in denial and i know that it wont happen but i dont know. by my step brother taking his life it brought up all the memories and feelings of when my biological brother did it because i never dealt with that i just shoved it inside of me. i had no other way to deal with it at that time. so i was stupid and buried the feelings. now its biting me in the ass. i do need his ashes that way i have a piece of him with me. i need support and understand but am in fear of being judged so will see what happens

 

[KM76710]

I can't imagine anybody judging you except that you message shows of great love for your brother and a fine honor to him and his memory and how much and how important to you he was.

 

[Bbear82]

I can't imagine anybody judging you except that you message shows of great love for your brother and a fine honor to him and his memory and how much and how important to you he was.

thank you for saying that, i would hope people will understand but i guess my fear in being judged comes from me missing one brother more than the other, that i was closer to one than the other, that my biological brothers suicide is effecting me more than my step brothers that is where that fear of judge is coming from.

thank you for responding and your words i appreciate it i really do

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

I think you are in the wrong place for judgement. Your losses are real.
I think it’s normal to have a closer connection with one. Both my parents came from families with 8/10 kids. it was easy to see family friendships. sibling closeness definitely wasn’t divided equally between them all!
you have a lot happening in your mind & body. We are here to listen & show kindness. Share your feeling as much as you feel comfortable with. We care.
🤗🤗🤗

 

[Bbear82]

I think you are in the wrong place for judgement. Your losses are real.
I think it’s normal to have a closer connection with one. Both my parents came from families with 8/10 kids. it was easy to see family friendships. sibling closeness definitely wasn’t divided equally between them all!
you have a lot happening in your mind & body. We are here to listen & show kindness. Share your feeling as much as you feel comfortable with. We care.
🤗🤗🤗

thank you i appreciate that, i wasnt trying to say that i wanted to be judged here honestly. i was just saying im worried about being judged for how i feel in this situation. but i am very glad that you understand thank you i appreciate it very much

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

thank you i appreciate that, i wasnt trying to say that i wanted to be judged here honestly. i was just saying im worried about being judged for how i feel in this situation. but i am very glad that you understand thank you i appreciate it very much

I know it’s an expression - the ‘judgement.’ I Try to be silly & reassuring at the same time. Bottom line is WE CARE!
Have you been able to tolerate any food?

 

[may71]

It's natural to have stronger feelings for one family member than another depending on how much time you spent with them and what your relationship was like to them. Please don't feel guilty.

Hugs

 

[Bbear82]

I know it’s an expression - the ‘judgement.’ I Try to be silly & reassuring at the same time. Bottom line is WE CARE!
Have you been able to tolerate any food?

i am holding liquids down mainly nothing solid

 

[Bbear82]

It's natural to have stronger feelings for one family member than another depending on how much time you spent with them and what your relationship was like to them. Please don't feel guilty.

Hugs

thanks for the reasurrance i appreciate it

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

i am holding liquids down mainly nothing solid

Yay! I hope you progress to solids soon.

 

[may71]

i am holding liquids down

That's really good news!

Hugs

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

Hi @Bbear82

Been thinking about you. How are you feeling—body & soul? You have carried heavy burden. I just want to remind you that I care. I will listen if you want to share/vent. I miss you!
sending a big soft, comforting hug that holds you until you feel comforted & important ! ❤️‍🩹

 

[Bbear82]

Hi @Bbear82

Been thinking about you. How are you feeling—body & soul? You have carried heavy burden. I just want to remind you that I care. I will listen if you want to share/vent. I miss you!
sending a big soft, comforting hug that holds you until you feel comforted & important ! ❤️‍🩹

thank you for reaching back out to me. i am not going to lie i am struggling and not at peace with anything at this point. my body is having health issues still but am doing my best to handle them. as for my soul, its restless at this point you could say. thank you for the reminder that you care that means a lot to me that you reached out and reminded me of that, i need that right now. thanks for the hugs they are greatly needed right now.
is it ok to send you messages in your inbox? if not that is truly ok i just didnt want to do it without your permission thanks again for reaching out,

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

thank you for reaching back out to me. i am not going to lie i am struggling and not at peace with anything at this point. my body is having health issues still but am doing my best to handle them. as for my soul, its restless at this point you could say. thank you for the reminder that you care that means a lot to me that you reached out and reminded me of that, i need that right now. thanks for the hugs they are greatly needed right now.
is it ok to send you messages in your inbox? if not that is truly ok i just didnt want to do it without your permission thanks again for reaching out,

Absolutely! Feel free to message. 🤗
I am sorry you hurting.

 

[Shadowlands]

I just give you some hugs

 

[Bbear82]

Thanks for the hugs 🤗

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

Hi @Bbear82

you are on my mind. I hope you are ok.
Be kind to yourself. Grief is exhausting (to say the least). It can make the illness worse. Be well.

Peace ✌️

 

[Bbear82]

Hi @Bbear82

you are on my mind. I hope you are ok.
Be kind to yourself. Grief is exhausting (to say the least). It can make the illness worse. Be well.

Peace ✌️

thanks so much i really do appreciate your continued support. will talk soon keep a look out for your message