Walking around and trying to stop pressing the self-destruction button.

[Unknown_111]

I broke down several times last week but I managed to keep my sugar together (alternative to the shhh word). I cried every hour but tried to help others. I saw my friend with dog who nearly bit me as it was protecting its keeper. I told them to take care and be safe and he wished me good luck. I helped a couple of homeless people by giving them some food. It was so hard as I could not help everyone but I wish I could. I met the bouncer last night who gave his blessing which I truly do not deserve as many others would agree with. I try everyday to live life but some days I struggle. I collapse like a tower of playing cards but I rebuild myself time over time again and again. I suffer mental and physical anguish as the tears of hurt I caused pour from my heart. It's really not nice knowing your will not be forgiven for hurting someone who was only kind. I know I must live a life of torture and torment for what I did but so be it then. I survive but helping others and overcoming the physical and mental challenge set. Remember, when chips are down, you find the strength from within to become a better person. Life is not about hurting others but showing compassion to them. As I write post, the tears of hurt caused roll down but I continue to live another day. So please just think if I'm surviving then YOU can. Let me feel your pain and together we can support one another. Once again, thank you reading this and it's time to swipe the tears of hurt away.

 

[Unknown_111]

I just completed the promise I made and yet I still breakdown on a daily basis. I cry my heart out knowing the hurt I caused. I will never be forgiven for the pain I caused but it took twenty two months of my life. I try to help others as much as I can. I saw this homeless person with no shoes. I did the dignified thing and bought this person a pair of trainers for $26 dollars. I also bought the person footwear. The person who was in the shopping mall thank me. I said how can I see a person suffer without footwear. I said to the homeless person that I have a heart and I understand what they were going through. A lot of folk might consider me as scum but I try my best everyday to help others. It's the decent thing one person can do is to help others in need. I breakdown but I am a lot better since last year. I try to rebuild my life one day at a time. I met the bouncer again who shook my hand. I said I'm fine but as soon as walked past him the tears of hurt broke me internally. It's not nice to see others happy whilst I am so emotionally down. I pick myself up and try to live another day. I do not think I will ever see any more happiness until I am forgiven which I truly known deep down will never happen. It saddens me that I will no longer survive unless I keep helping here and leave a legacy to state what pain we suffer, we as individuals can survive. I wish my struggle would finish but I will continue to support the homeless folk in my town and others on this site. You can get through to the other side as I have just done. On the edge of this life mountain, I hanging on by five fingers now. It's the start of the recovery process but it's going to take me a long time to recover. One day at a time. Thank you reading this and I wish you all the best in your struggle.

It's time for me to go to work this morning now. Take care and most importantly be safe. Life is precious and never forget that. X

 

[Unknown_111]

I breaking down more often now. The tears of hurt are pouring out like a river of tears but how can one live this life everyday feeling so ashamed and trying best to help others. I wish I could help everyone who struggles everyday as I try to become a better person. It's hard as I came close to giving my shoes to a barefooted person but I realised that I could not walk 20 km home. I am so down but I fall to the floor everyday but some how I manage to live my life.

 

[Unknown_111]

I broke down today twice, tears rolling down even though I tried to a keep bravefave. I know I deserve everything I get but remember life is about being compassionate and helping others. I will never be the same again but I am determined to give so much back whilst I am still around. I feel like a worthless piece of whatever a dog does (polite version) but I cry every night for what I did. I will survive each and get stronger well until I break down again.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I so broken down as someone said in the morning, "I washed my hands off, why don't you get a rope and hang yourself". This simple remark, broke me down into pieces again but I managed to remain calm. I cried all the home yesterday and broke down today to the floor but I am determined keep living. Sometimes the cruelest remark can have such an affect on you but you find the inner strength to continue to live. I hope this person understands when such a remark can destroy someone's total confidence that took them twenty-two months to rebuild. On the night, I curled up in the corner and cried. I stopped and got up from the floor and continue to put a brave face on the remark but it really got me and I cannot stop crying about it. Such remarks can be cruel but no one thinks how soul destroying it can be to another one. I hope when others read this, they understand the pain I am going and been through. Others might think I deserve this but you live your life with the consequences of one actions. The rebuilding of one's confidence is completely shattered again but I am determined to rebuild it. Such remarks are not a metaphor but can have soul-destroying affect on one's inner soul and mental state.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I went into the town and tried to help the homeless folk but I let someone down. I came across a lady who was suffering from domestic violence and needed money. I gave her food but she wanted money which I did not have. She was so upset, I had to walk away so ashamed that I could not help her as others who were looking no doubt thought I had upset her. I cried as I walked home as I could not help her. I met my friend with dog and explained about the metaphor. My friend was flabbergasted but told me to ignore such words. I took the words to heart and still do. I got up last night sweating in fear thinking that someone was after me. I managed to calm down but still at a low in my life.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, some cruel remarks to me caused me to crash and I had to leave an occasion which was meant to be a happy one. I cried all the way to the nearest local town. I went into a store and bought some meals which just cost me $3.88 cents. I handed out the food to the homeless folk and the gratitude shown was amazing. It helped me to recover. If the person whose occasion ever reads this, I am sorry for leaving suddenly but I did not want to upset your day. I hope you are happy as you was on that day. You are a wonderful person with a big heart of gold who would help anyone and just remember that. Again, I am sorry for leaving but I hope your forgive me.

 

[Unknown_111]

On Tuesday, I went to a local town and met a homeless person who just being robbed of $30 dollars and he was hungry. I bought the person some food and drinks. He was so down and I gave them $10 dollars. The person started to cry tears which really got to me. I told the person, I know how you feel but remain strong as I will help him as much as I can. The smile he gave me was priceless. I turned his whole world around perhaps for day but the smile the person showed was priceless. That made my day, in that a simple gesture gave a person hope.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

:hug:

 

[Unknown_111]

I had a horrible week this week. I broke down this Thursday severely when somebody was hurting me a lot. I cried all night when someone you trusted mentally torments you. I try to recover everyday but I keep crying everyday in the corner. The mental and physical anguish I suffer is tremendous but I survive. I met the young chap who originally cried on my shoulder and his situation improved. It's was their birthday yesterday and I bought them a drink to celebrate. The person was grateful and I told them that I will help as much as I can. As today, I am still here just about but determined to live life.

 

[Unknown_111]

:hug:

Thank you, I needed this as it helped me to battle on with life.

 

[Unknown_111]

I am compelled to write again. I cried all last night where my heart poured out the pain I caused and pain I feel. I hate myself so much that I wish I could erase the past and rewrite it. But that is not the case but the drive within me keeps me going. I suffer mental and physical anguish everyday but I survive by helping the homeless in my local town. Life is about being compassionate and helping others. I hope if the third party ever reads this then I hope they will realise how close I can to something but with the help of this site and the support Im managing to survive. You feel hopelessness at the moment but you have to remain strong to survive and live life.

 

[Unknown_111]

I broke down last Thursday as I saw others happy and I had to console myself with tears of hurt rolling from my eyes. I was so down that thought about the final commitment but I stopped myself and slept on my thoughts. I breakdown every morning by crying but I get up and some how find the inner strength to live another day. Each day is getting harder as the anguish of not knowing about one's future. I am driven by the support shown here and keep supporting others. Yes, you see life goes by and when you get older, you question the past. I strive to move forward by helping others. I saw the young homeless girl who needed $5 dollars to get a week in a shelter home. I gave her $10 and the face of desperation turned into happiness. Changing one person's day was amazing. I told her enjoy the next seven days and stay in bed to watch TV. She said she would enjoy the next seven and walked away with a smile like a big Cheshire Cat. Remember helping others can provide you the uplift you need. A simple gesture can turns someone's day round. You have remember you are born with nothing and when you go naturally. You go with nothing but you just leave people with good memories of yourself. That's what life is about living and helping each other. It's not about hurting, getting revenge but helping as much as you can. At the end of the day, we are one human race whatever belief or creed we are brought up with. Thank you reading this and I hope this inspires you to live another day as you truly deserve. Take care and most of all be safe out there today.

 

[Unknown_111]

I cannot believe I am writing again. I crying inside right now sitting at a train station. I am watching people being happy and I am trying my best to secure my life. I am determined to live life today even though my head telling me different. I helped two homeless people today by giving them some drinks. I am determined to live life as the next thirty minutes are crucial at the moment. Only the folks here realise what I am going through. I want to cry now but will not I will be strong as ever and try to keep this new promise I made. It's the only thing that keeps me alive but what else can one do. I have been through the works in the past eighteen months. I am truly sorry for what I became and try my best to become a better person. Someone described me as an ducking idiot and that really hurt me. I cry quietly inside as it seems each night I break down but I live another day. You come to terms with life and everyone with respect. I totally lost my self - respect and consider myself like low life such as the what you pick up at the end of your shoe. It's not nice but I just need to resort to the elastic band again.

 

[Unknown_111]

I walked away from the train station as I am determined to live my life....

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

I am glad that you walked away, just curious as you have a kind heart and soul, do you have any real friends to lean onto that is not harsh and judgmental? :hug:

 

[Unknown_111]

I am glad that you walked away, just curious as you have a kind heart and soul, do you have any real friends to lean onto that is not harsh and judgmental? :hug:

Thanks for kind words. I am friends with a lot of homeless folk as I feel close to them. I help as much as I can and they appreciate it.

 

[Unknown_111]

I cried yesterday as my mental state took a complete breakdown as I heard some bad news about someone. Someone's life was suddenly taken and caused me to dig deep to find the inner strength to live my life under a great amount of mental and physical pressure. Over the past few days, I went into town and helped the homeless. All of them gave me a "god blessing" which totally killed me. I told most of them I really do not deserve that as I as consider myself as lowlife and deserve no sympathy. I cried everyday and try to live a so called normal. I do not deserve any happiness but permanently deserve darkness. I do not think the darkness will never be clear. I inflict pain on myself but I am determined to live life today.

 

[Unknown_111]

I just had some bad news today about myself but I'm determined to live life. I so down but I will keep this promise I made as it take me along time. In life we all get set backs but you have to live life to the best of your ability. I will never give up hope to see the light one day but I will continue to fight my hardest. I cried all the past twenty-two months and will continue to do so until I see the light. I might never see the light as others might agree I should not but you must live life to the best everyday. Naturally, we do not know when it's our time to go but we should try to enjoy life. I know the folks who use this forum need support. Like I have said in the past, we can move forward together. Whatever life throws at us, we can get through it.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I crashed mentally but the physical anguish I suffer everyday is more. I am placing physical strain on myself under a heavy amount of duress. I get physical stronger as each day goes by. I had more bad news yesterday but I managed to survive. I thought about jumping of a bridge yesterday but I thought no, live is more important. Life is about living and being compassionate to a fellow human being. Life is not about getting one over your enemy or neighbour which seems the current ethos in our troubled times but helping others through their struggle. I struggle everyday but if I can make person laugh or smile then the other party will remember you for making them smile for a moment.

I know that I hurt a lot of people in the past but what I go through now, is what I truly deserve. You have to remain strong. I deserve to suffer everyday but I survive some how. Thank you reading this and be encouraged that you can survive.