Walking around and trying to stop pressing the self-destruction button.

[Unknown_111]

I was meant to write this yesterday but I was so down yesterday. I walked for hours contemplating whether what to do but I met the young woman who was begging for money to survive. I talked to her and she told me how she fought her drug addiction and how it hurts everyday that she misses her daughter who was adopted. Her pleading for three years had fallen on deaf hears. I could see the tears in her eyes coming out but she remained calm and strong. I asked her what did she need for a safe night at the weekend. She just started begging when the locals blues turned up. They were busy elsewhere and I gave her the $24 dollars to keep her safe. There was a religious zealot who leered at her for no reason. I told her that she needed to be treated with respect given what she had suffered in the past. Like the other person, I said I will help as much as I can to get her back on her two feet. She stated that she wanted a mobile phone and I stated I will see what I can do.

Her face of desperation turned to a big smile. That big smile, made my day and it my act of kindness ensured me that she was at least safe for two nights. Like last time, I told her to enjoy the two nights in bed and not to worry as I will do my best to help her. She gave me a hug and I stated there was no need as she just needs a helping hand.

As I write this, I know she would have woke up with a smile this morning. If I can make a difference, then that gives me a purpose to live for. Yes, as you read this you are no doubt feeling down but life is important and so are you.

I forgot to mention I met my friend with the dog and he was happy with dog treats I bought. He walked away with a smile as well. The treats cost me $4 dollars but the dog wagged his tail with happiness.

Thank you reading and take care.

 

[fragmentoffaith]

You truly are an inspiration!

 

[Unknown_111]

You truly are an inspiration!

Thank you kind words. It really helps me as I continue to struggle everyday but remarks like this give me a glimmer of hope. Please remember you give up but fight to live for another day. I met another person who was in need of some help and I stated that I will help as much as I can. This person suffered an anxiety attack last week and I told them not to worry. It hard for me not to help others but life is about helping fellow human beings who are hurting. Whatever limited time we have on this earth, we have to be kind to each other and not being nasty.

Please choose life as through adversity you can overcome anything and live for each day. We use this forum, to release our emotionsi and please continue to do so. I breakdown nearly everyday about the hurt I caused to the third-party but I am still here clinging to this mountain called "Life" by two fingers. I will get there one day but you folk must never give up at. As ever, take care and be safe. X

 

[Unknown_111]

Like last time, I meant to write this yesterday, I meet a young person who so down, they justwanted some food. The person was young and like me wanted a chance in life. I told him I understood and that I would help him. Yes, I have a soft kind heart but others might consider me callous.

I bought some food for this person on my return the person had dis-appeared from my sight. I went home dis-appointed but I promised the person a meal. I returned to the location and managed to find the person. He was so grateful and thanked me. He even said God-bless but I told him I did not deserve that as I was not worthy of such a compliment. I saw my friend with dog and he grateful for the $5 dollars I gave him on the Saturday. He was able to sleep with the dog in safety. He enjoyed it and even the dog has warmed to me. I gave my friend some food as he had not eaten all day. He grateful as ever and dog shows me affection. It's sad to think that I have the love of a dog and not of a human being. I know that's sad but I get down so often but I battle everyday mentally and physically. You have to strong when you know the whole world is against you.

I hide behind a fake smile but trust me I breakdown in tears everyday for the hurt I caused. I will punish myself for a long time but I hope one day I will forgiven. Who knows when that will be but in this harsh world I wish others would help each other. As ever, thank you for reading this and be safe. Tears roll down my face as I right this last sentence. X

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I mentally hurt myself yesterday but I made a difference to three people. The man with the dog had sheltered tonight by me giving him $10 dollars. The dog wagged his tail and that made my day.

I met the young chap who cried at me when I gave him $10 dollars. He was hungry, I bought him food for $7.47 and he really appreciated it. He was happy and the confidence he showed was priceless. I was saddened by thought of this person not having a shoe. I thought about buying a new pair but no shops in mall were opened.

The girl who l gave money for a safe two nights was again begging for money. She only managed to beg 8 cents. I wanted her to be safe as others had intimidated her. I have a soft heart and gave her $15 dollars. She gave me some good news as my little help gave her confidence. It saddened me as she called me something nice. I told her just be safe and I was just trying to be a decent human being. I cried all the way home because I mentally crashed today. I picked up myself again as later on I will punish myself further today. I am tired but I am driven my determination to succeed to live life.

 

[Unknown_111]

I'm so down. I smile with a fake look and try to make people happy. The inside of me is killing me with pain knowing hurt I caused. I cry in silence everyday. It's easy hiding the cracks with fake looks. I know that I deserve everything I get in terms of all relationships that breaking down. People hating the sight of me and if so then fair enough. I feel like a wandering lost soul just seeing each day out with a black cloud above me all the time. I feel like the song says "The Sun has been stolen from my heart." I just think I will suffer everyday for the rest of my life.

I'm so tearful now but I will expect the anguish never to stop. I try rebuild my life but more like one step forward and twenty back

 

[Petal]

:hug: 's to you. We are here for you, no need to suffer or cry in silence :hug: You are a wonderful friend and have a great personality

 

[Petal]

By you calling me an hour ago you have cheered up my whole day, you're hilarious and have a very funny sense of humour, thanks for being my friend and being there for me :hug:

 

[Unknown_111]

Petal, you are welcome. It was a pleasure talking as you know life is important and it warms me inside that I made your day. Never doubt yourself. I had a terrible but helping others today gives me a purpose for living. I might cry in silence but life is important. Today. I spent $3.00 dollars for the homeless on hot meals and they were grateful today. I only down when I saw another person got done shoplifting today. I wanted to intervene but decided not to as I could not see it being accepted. I try my hardest everyday to become person but sometimes we are allowed to fail. Heh, life is about living and caring for each other.

 

[Petal]

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to ring me, that was very sweet, love your accent too You truly did make my day as I was feeling all alone.
Yes, I think it was for the best you staying out of it, while your intentions were good the police might not have seen it that way at all. Spending money on the homeless is a great thing to do especially when it is used on meals. I'm sorry but I refuse to give them money but I will buy them a bag of chips. I remember when I was in the UK a guy was very helpful to me in giving me directions, I had no sterling to give him, I only had euros I felt so bad I would have given him anything rofl, he prevented me having a panic attack!!

Feel free to phone me any time of the day/night, im a night owl!

 

[Unknown_111]

I am compelled to write again, as I suffered the usual set back I broke down crying. I cried myself to sleep. It's was not nice. I had to call a helpline in order to calm down. I was going to do the final act of commitment last night but as usual I banged the wall and was determined to live another day. I am determined to live another day.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I suffered a cruel day. I cried last night as the mental and physical punishment I put myself through really got to me. I so saddened that I want simply apologise to the third-party but I have been advised not to. Even though the promise has been done, I have no choice but punish myself. I got verbally abused at work yesterday for saying something wrong. I apologised but this cause me to have a massive breakdown. I feel like the character "Little Stuart" stuck in a corner and there others who are like big cats with their claws out to cut me into little pieces. I am so scared of the future as I seem to crumbling but I'm determined to live my life.

 

[Unknown_111]

I broke down today twice as the tears of hurt rolled down eyes for the pain I caused to the third party. I cried and cried but put on a brave face. All the tears of hurt I cried since joining here no one understand except those who use this site.

Simply.....

:-,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,(

 

[cotopaxi]

I'm new here and started reading your thread. I just wanted to say that I find your acts of kindness inspiring and I find you amazing. I know I can't know exactly what you go through every day but I know what it's like to feel emotional pain over and over and I want you to know that you matter and there are people who care. I care. The Dalai Lama said "Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them". Good advice I would say.

 

[Unknown_111]

I broke down tonight and left communication open for the third - party to contact me. I nearly contacted the third - party but I did not want to cause any necessary duress. I really wanted to contact but so afraid of the feedback. This week has been horrible as I cried everyday. I try to move one step forward very day but ten back. I cry and cry again and have resorted back to the elastic band. It's saves me from self-harming.

I helped a person who needed a helping hand today. The person was so grateful and like the others the smile was priceless.

 

[Unknown_111]

I crashed this morning and had to call a helpline. I explained my dilemma and how I am suffering. I crashed heavy this morning but the inner desire to drives me to live another day. Yes, I crash now more often but there is a purpose in living. Yes, I walk with a false smile which does reflect how internally I feel the third-party's hurt. Many people might think I deserve to die and rightly so. But life is about helping each other and not inflicting pain on others. I am truly emotionally down but I am determined to live my life. I feel the hurt I caused and perhaps I will NEVER be forgiven. I want to truly say how sorry I am but I like I said in my past post, I do not want cause any hurt. I hope when the third-party reads this how I am about hanging on to this mountain of life by two fingers. But some days I feel i am loosing the grip of these two finger and falling down into my own blackhole of despair. I so down but I so determined to live life. Like ever I want thank you reading this and be inspired that I feel your own pain and anguish. If I can survive to this day, then YOU CAN. So remember together we can fight our anguish together and join our virtual hands to help each other. Together lets us conquer our fear and move into the light from our own darkness. Take care as ever. X

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I pushed myself really hard and crashed severly last night. I cried last night so much as I place myself under so much pressure. I went to local town and so the girl last night. She gave me a hug, but I don't deserve that. She told me how much she enjoyed the day in bed. The smile that beamed from the girl was amazing but I cried inside from the emotional hurt I caused. If only I could say sorry to the third-party in some way but I nearly crashed yesterday their on the spot. I held it for her as I did not want her to notice my suffering. She said how was I and I stated that I was fine. I told her she was happy and making steady progress. She told that she was getting lewd suggestion which I stated she had to ignore as she deserved respect. I gave her $10 dollars so that she had enough not to sleep rough. I walked away crying whilst others were happy to dance the night away. I saw my friend with dog and the dog showed me so much affection. I cried inside knowing that a dog loves me more than a human being. That really killed me on the way home. But like someone said you are judged for your good deeds as well as your bad deeds. I feel that I have been judged already before I could start the promise. Even though the promise has been done, I have to repeat it until I cannot do anymore. Each time I repeat the promise, I physically and mentally feel the hurt I caused to the third-party. I know there is no need to repeat this promise but I need to let people I do really care and understand what happened. Yes, I know I deserve to be punished but what I do now is more rewarding than all the wealth in the world put together. If I can stop one person from committing the final act, then I have served my purpose in life. Like the song says "One Love" but really it be renamed as "One Life".

 

[Unknown_111]

I am compelled to write a gain. I meet a person who lost a closed relative and I gave them a hug. I explained what I was going through and told to seek medical advice as well as breavement counselling. I could see this person was in pain and he was relieved to share his loss. I told the person that they should celebrate the life of the person. I hope my advice helped this person in their own troubled times. I'm so down and very subdued.

 

[Unknown_111]

I determined to set an impossible target so that it shows how much I care about the hurt I caused. I want to show people I forsake any future happiness in order to show how remorseful and willing to push myself mentally and physically for a very long time. It's might take a long time but it's shows how much I sincerely really care.

 

[Unknown_111]

My heart has been shattered into a trillions fragments tonight and I will never recover from the hurt I caused. I will complete this apology I have promised to myself. I went to the town crying my heart out today not knowing where my future is going and I will use all my time on this site and physically/mentally hurt myself completing this apology. I am so down that I nearly did something today but I decided that this promise will be done. I might hurt myself but that's what I deserve and if takes a long time, so be it. I am going to wear the elastic band for the rest of life now as I will never forget the hurt I caused. I want to leave a legacy here where the third-party needs to know what the past twenty-two months of mental and physical hurt I went through. I know what I did was callous and I will never be forgiven by anyone which I totally understand. This site and the support shown by you generous folk will never been forgotten. I can never repay for the support I received but only by devoting my time here. Like as always, thank you reading this and take care as ever. X