Walking around and trying to stop pressing the self-destruction button.

[Unknown_111]

Unknown_111, I am sorry that You are down. I am glad that You are so determined to live, that is very important. I am sad that the hurt is taking it's toll on you but that is what hurt does, I too feel lonely, I so know and share Your feelings daily too, I wish that you could stop the hurt, I know/believe that you seem to take it on as some sort of penance that you have to pay, I am truly sorry, I believe that no matter what I do or say you will continue to go on as you have been doing. I believe this is True because it seems to bring you to where you feel you have to be, I will say nothing more on that because, I did the same, I do no longer, I found that what I was doing only brought more pain to others, I had to stop, I am here now, I still hurt, I still feel pain, it is no longer of consequence to others. My others are happy because they no longer feel pain because of me! Please! Be gentle on yourself.
I so want to move on and become a better person, some day, I will!

Thank you for kind words. They cheered me up today. It's gives me hope one day. I want to remain a inspiration. I have a heavy penance to pay for the hurt I caused. I strive to make difference to many others. Life is important and if I change one person's mind from doing the final commitment then I have made a difference. The pain I endure makes it worthwhile if I save one person's life. Like I say I will forget my own happiness in order to leave a legacy that LIFE IS IMPORTANT. The penance is hard but I happy to endure everyone's pain in order to be an inspiration. True Lee you are very cherished friend and thanks again.

 

[Unknown_111]

I just wanted to let you know that you are such an inspiration to me. Whenever I am feeling down and frustrated, I look for your posts. It makes me smile to know that there are still good people out there who actually care about the welfare of others. I apologize if this doesn't make sense- I am having difficulty sorting my thoughts right now.....There is this little story I heard as a kid, where a little boy was seen tossing washed up star fish back into the ocean. A man came along and laughed at him and told him that he couldn't come close to making a difference all by himself. The little boy smiled smugly as he reached for another star fish and tossed it back into the ocean, and he said "I made a difference for that one, now didn't I?"

Hello Damaged Goods, you make very good sense to me. I like story about the little boy. We can all make a difference if it's a little one. You are good person in that you replied to my posts. If I can make a difference like you have to me today then together we have a purpose in life wherever we are on this planet called EARTH. On this planet it's about helping each other in the world. Thank you reading and just let you know it made your post helped me.

 

[Unknown_111]

Today, I went the local town and helped two people in a small way. My hurt subsided as the help and smiles gained cheered me up a little. Tomorrow is a new day and I will help as much as I can in anyway I can. Thank you for those took time to reply today. My life journey to make a difference continues tomorrow and I will see the light one day. One final thought, I was meant to be at a happy event but I decided not to attend and try to do this impossible penance for the hurt I caused. Once again as ever take care and thank you for reading my posts.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I met the office cleaner and was happy one moment smiling and with no care in the world. Suddenly, he whole world collapsed around with someone playing horrible mind games. I had to help her as she close to tears. I had to help as she need a lift to her night time job whilst trying hard to support her grand children. I told her no point in getting upset as I will offer a lift and a shoulder to cry on. She was so upset but all I could do was give her moral support. I told her to calm down as she needed to be focus for night time. All I did was help and listen to her woes. In life, you see people cry and it's the decent thing to do is help them. I was described by the old man and dog as a soft hearted person who might be taken advantage off. Many people might have taken advantage of my good nature but I would help anyone. Life is not about hating people but helping those in need and inspiring them to move forward in life. I have a long way to go on with my own battle of life but let me be an inspiration to you folk.

I ask one thing, please give some support to ALL OUR FRIEND PETAL. ITS OUR TIME TO HELP HER NOW. PLEASE LEAVE MESSAGES OF SUPPORT FOR HER TO LET HER KNOW HOW MUCH SHE HAS HELPED US SINCE JOINING THIS FORUM.

THANK YOU. XXX

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I had to help the young man who left a voicemail which I only accessed. I called him and he was down. I told him to be patient and stayed focused. He was down but I decided to make visit to the local town as he needed my help.

I phoned the young chap and met him at a fast food place. I bought him a hot drink and I met another friend who was just recovering from a ten day illness. I bought him a cup of tea to help. I calmed the young chap down again and told him not to get upset. I had to reinforce that I would stand by him no matter what as he deserves a chance in life. He was happy to see me and a kind hearted soul, I gave him $25 dollars to help to buy food and new shoes as he was going to see his grandad for the first time since the funeral of his grand mother. He wanted to look smart for his visit on Sunday. I told him that I will help him.

The other man was angry in that his social security was stopped for a two weeks. He had gone through a massive personal crisis. I could not let him down as my heart strings pulled again. He said he was stubborn but I told him that I was offering it and in no way trying to demean him. He accepted the $20 dollars and he said he would pay it back. I not expecting him but the kind thing to do when the person has no income for the next two weeks. I happy to help the young chap and told him that the way forward is dealing with life one day at a time.

On on my way back home in the rain, I met a young homeless chap who needed $4 dollars and 30 cents for one night shelter. Yes again my heart string got pulled again as he was cold and desperate for a bed. He was so down. I gave the money to him and like as ever the smile was priceless. $4.30 cents for a smile was SIMPLY PRICLESS. I walked in the rain and cold knowing that I made a difference. Like they say and I have said on numerous occasions that you are born with nothing and when it time for you to go in the natural process. You go with nothing.... People will remember you for what you did...
To me LIFE is about smiles and happiness.....

I am still down but I cry my heart out for the hurt I caused..... Heh, the tears will never stop but I am here to make a MASSIVE DIFFERENCE.

 

[Petal]

Aww we that nearly made me cry lol it is amazing how so little can make one so happy. Well done you, there should be more people in the world like you. So kind and so giving xxx

 

[Petal]

I'm sure that guy will remember you for a long time x

 

[Unknown_111]

The story continues.... This weekend was crucial. The young chap I was helping over the months and stopped from doing the final commitment was seeing his family for the first time in a long time. I helped by him buying a bunch of flowers for his mum. He was not to sure and he was upset as he was nearly sectioned but he survived. The young chap is caring in that he is listening to me and helping others. In the shop we bought the flowers from we were judged the way we were dressed by the old lady. I explained to her that I had paid for them and showed her receipt. The old lady's attitude changed after explained the young chap was seeing his mum for the first time. She tried to her shameful assumption, saying would be a proud mum with these flowers. I was upset at her as she judged us as we were dressed up like the homeless But I walked away thinking never judge a book by its cover.

I told the young chap let's drop the flowers off at his mum and he can go to the local town. We made a surprise visit to his grand mother and she was happy to see him. That, boosted his confidence in so many ways. I then dropped him at his mum's and left him to it. Later on l called him and he thanked me. I told him that he has no need to thank me but not to worry. Like his granny said to him " he needs to be around good people". I hope the help I have given him has helped.

 

[Unknown_111]

Thè story continues... I saw the old man and his dog on Saturday but was suffering flu. I gave him $10 dollars for his electric meter as he needed warmth. He had no food and I asked what did want. He gave a list of wishes which was cheese, bread and cereal. He said that he could survive on this but I stressed that he needed to be safe. I went to the local supermarket and bought three bags of shopping fo him. He was astonished by my gratitude but I told him that I appreciated his moral support and for his believe in me. He said, he felt guilty in accepting my help. I told him that he not worry as I cannot see him and the dog suffer. He was grateful and he wished he could help me in my dilemma. I told him not worry as I need to cattle my own battles.. All I am trying to show here is that you need to help others and my helpful actions shows others we can make difference.

The moral of my life story.... Whatever, you have facing YOU, there is always a solution to every problem. I survive but again I rang a support line whilst looking over a bridge... The tears streamed down but again this voluntary organisation saved me for the 53rd time. I walked away from the same spot as the kind words given to me help. The tears of hurt I carry will never stop until I complete the impossible....

Folks, I carry your pain and let me continue to do so, as YOU CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING AND I AM A TESTAMENT TO THAT.... LIFE IS SO PRECIOUS AND THAT INCLUDES YOU.... I CRY ONE TEAR OF HURT FOR THE THIRD-PARTY AS I SO DOWN TODAY BUT I WILL AS EVER SURVIVE.

 

[Unknown_111]

The story continues. I met two ladies who were looking for directions to nearest club. Like a good person, I kept my distance and showed them the way. I told the young who getting unnecessary attention from on-lookers to jeep quiet but she was a very stupor state. The drink was talking. I told her to be careful and she said that if anyone attacked her she would hurt them with a screwdriver. I told her she needs to calm down as she could get assaulted by her fighting talk. He friend tried to calm her down. I kept my distance and showed them way in the lighted area of town. She thanked me but the hurtful things she said to me was not nice as all I did was to help her and just giving her some safe advice. Sometimes, I get hurtful from so many horrible comments when all I do is help others....

I hope the ladies had a nice and safe time but just remember all I did was be a helpful kind soul..... I live for another day....

 

[Unknown_111]

It's being a busy week. I have travelling around the states looking and helping others. The mother and daughter who I have been helping was happy as she was financially able to get the state loan for her dream home. I said that I would help as a child needs a safe environment in its up-brininging. My heart strings pulled again and I ended up giving her $900 dollars as a start for her house deposit. She thanked me but I was only trying to be nice and do the decent thing in life. Again, she walked away with happiness as she admitted she thought about doing the final commitment. I hope I changed her life but as I walked away, I cried over my dilemma. I stopped myself from doing anything stupid.

I met a nice old couple earlier in the week, where the old man realised the source of my problem. It was simply being felt unappreciated. I think the old man was right. Until, I find inner peace my life will never the same. I think the inner peace will only come when the third party reads my journal of life in twenty years time and realises how I felt each day. Like as ever, I am a broken piece of scum who deserves not sympathy but deserves to be ripped from limb to limb. My apologies to the moderators for last statement but I am only expressing how I feel like everyday.

Thanks for reading my journal as it's important to remember that LIFE IS IMPORTANT AND THAT MEANS YOU.

 

[Unknown_111]

My story continues... I continued to give out food to the homeless and it cost me less than $10 dollars. The appreciation and gratitude shown from the homeless is kind but it kills me with knowing the hurt I caused to the third party. I know it sounds repetitive on every post but until I have forgiven by the third party I cannot move on with my life. I walk this earth without a soul and like the living dead. My apologies to the moderators if I have caused offence. I writes these posts from my heart with grammatical and auto correct errors. I am so down that I e even apologising for my spelling mistakes.

My heart was ripped out on Friday night. I met a young lady with a young child who in a state of emotion and very upset and this at 11.00 pm. In the local town where it was cold and dark. She pleaded with me to give $47.50 dollars so she could get away from her ex-boyfriend who had just assaulted her, taking her two iPhones and purpose containing her bankers cards. I had to pretend to be a debt collector and act fearful in order to how true her circumstances were. She was in a state and I told her to calm down and relax as her heart was beating fast. My heart strings pulled again I gave her $40.00 dollars and $2.50 dollars in loose change.

 

[Unknown_111]

The last post continues....

 

[Unknown_111]

The last post continues....

She needed a further $5 dollars and a further $10 dollars for the taxi ride home. I went to a cash dispenser and she wanted $40.00 dollars more. My heart strings pulled automatically and I gave her $40.00 dollars more. In total, I gave $82.50 dollars in total. The price of the smile beaming from her was priceless. I had changed her despair into as smile. She told me she was vegetarian and was hungry. I gave her a cheap salad and a banana so went home safe on the greyhound coach with her child not hungry. She even gave me nice proposition but I declined. She was fearful for her family as she believed me to a loan shark. I promised her no harm will come to her family as I always keep my word. She was going to phone me at 3.00 am in the morning to let me know she was safe but I did not receive a call at all.

It turns out her father was a top attorney in the local town. I texted her yesterday to ensure she was safe and told her if she was ever in trouble to text me. I had no text back, so I called her and an man answered her number. I asked if she was ok and I was told she was. Once, the phone conversation ended my world crashed again to pieces as someone took advantage of my good nature.

I went to the bridge and had to call a helpline for support as I was total devastated by someone taking advantage of my good nature. I broke down severely and cried tears of hurt as someone took advantage of my good nature. I was absolutely gutted as usual when you trust and help someone they take advantage.

I spoke to the girl, who I am rebuilding my life with and she knew of this attonery in the local town. She also agreed that someone took advantage of my good nature and she will make some informal enquiries about this young girl. I hope this girl was not lying as its not nice when someone nearly made do the final commitment.

 

[Unknown_111]

On Tuesday... I had the toughest day... In the early hours, I went to the local town and spoke to the girl whose life I was trying to rebuild. She had no information on the girl who I gave the $82.50 last weekend. Perhaps people took advantage of my good nature which I do not mind but just a text message of thank you or I am safe would have been nice.

The girl was happy and beamed confidence. However, she was begging for money which I did not blame her for as she had no other option She told me of her past criminal offences and where she had been. It felt like a grilling or interrogation but I had to reassure the financial support I was giving was being used properly. I want to rebuild her life and told her I was offering her my hand to get her out the gutter. Again, I noticed her hands were dirty and filthy. I went to a local 24 hour shop and bought some anti-bateria swipes for her. I chucked these swipes at her and realised that I should have handed her the swipes. I apologised and asked how much she was short of in terms of a safe night. She needed $4 dollars but my soft touch made me give her $5 dollars to ensure she was safe. She told me that she had found a hoodie in the bin and she was wearing it. I told her that's was not right. She told me she had all her personal possessions nicked over the past couple of weeks. She stared that she was waiting for legal documents before she could be rehoused. I tolld her that I will help her when she rehoused and get her basic household stuff. I told her to be safe and with that she got up and went on her way for safe night.

In the past two days, I crashed heavily crying tears and screaming the words of " I want to ###" ( I apologise to the moderators if this deemed wrong but I am expressing my feelings at the present) but me hearing hearing these words made me more determined to live life. You know those ghouly characters out of the famous Harry Potter book series who suck life and soul out of you..!! I feel that's happening to me where I am being drawn to the dark side but I am still holding to the edge of mountain of life by three fingers.... I am still here and will continue to help others in crisis whilst I continue to suffer my own demise..... The story continues.... Thank you reading this and remember my life is important and that includes YOU..... Please stay strong, as YOU ARE IMPORTANT ...

 

[Petal]

I'm so sorry you got taken advantage of, you do not deserve that at all. I wouldn't in a billion years take advantage of someone's kindness, I am more likely to be the person that get's taken advantage of. You have a heart of gold, and I have a suggestion for you so you don't get taken advantage of again, volunteer somewhere such as the samaritans, it would be a really rewarding job being there for someone in their time of need. You are my friend and I don't like to see anyone take advantage of my friend How dare she. The cheek.

Big hugs to you, you have a good heart and soul and a good mind but don't bring money into it because that's where the problems will arise.

 

[Unknown_111]

I'm so sorry you got taken advantage of, you do not deserve that at all. I wouldn't in a billion years take advantage of someone's kindness, I am more likely to be the person that get's taken advantage of. You have a heart of gold, and I have a suggestion for you so you don't get taken advantage of again, volunteer somewhere such as the samaritans, it would be a really rewarding job being there for someone in their time of need. You are my friend and I don't like to see anyone take advantage of my friend How dare she. The cheek.

Big hugs to you, you have a good heart and soul and a good mind but don't bring money into it because that's where the problems will arise.

Thanks Petal for the advice. I have a big heart and don't care about money. Money does not bring you happiness. If I can make a difference in the world and turn someone's life around then I have served my purpose in life. Life is about helping and supporting each other. In life, there nasty people but I want to show people there are some some good ones as well. If I give thousands away, I want to be remembered for the goodness I did and not for the hurt I caused. I want my life to serve a purpose. If I don't get the money back,then all I ask of the others who I help is to help others and pass on the message. Life is about helping and that's the chain effect I want to start. If I help person, then pass it on. Helping each other is simply the milk of human kindness.

With all the hurt and wars in the world, let's start the process of helping each other and eventually the whole world will realise and if not then I know my life had meaning and a purpose. I done something stupid and that causes me great anguish but I am trying redeem my soul and heart by doing good. It helps me deal with finding inner peace even though I am mainly angry with myself. It helps me too sooth the hurt I feel everyday, I caused and forever feel.

Thank you for the advice but we need to remain strong and live life everyday.

 

[Unknown_111]

The young girl from last week rings me and leaves me a voicemail from yesterday. I return her call and the same man answers. I put the phone down and ring twice. My mind is racing with worry as I have upset the person. Also, I am frantic stressed and my heart is in fast mode. I can see my own heart beats chasing me... I send a text stating that I helped as I cared and the ball was in her court to call me. I am frantic and I wet myself at the same time. I rush to the toilet but too late. I ring again out of a frantic nature and stricken with worry. I took the risk and the same bloke answers. It's turns out he is sleeping and I told him to pass on a message. I told him that I am geniune person who cared about helping her when she was distressed. I told him to pass on the message and I did not want any further contact with this girl. I did a kind gesture that was blown out of proportion now and it's upsets me that I offer kindness and all the man was concerned about was his sleep. Another crisis averted. I made a big decision today and am going to help someone who really needs my kindness and is a caring person. I have calmed down now but I was really concerned for myself. I'm hurt but I get to live another day.

 

[Unknown_111]

Today I made a big financial commitment today by helping this lady and her daughter. I gave away $2000 away because I made a promise to help her to get her dream house for her daughter. She really appreciated it as I was her last hope. She told me how her friends and certain family members shunned her. I thought of her as trapped in a hole with no light but with my help she can see the light. I did this because I could bear the thought of her and her child being in a one-bedroom situation. Her daughter was important and that's why I did it. I am so down today.

 

[Unknown_111]

The story continues... My kind generous act of financial support changed someone's life. The mother of the child told me her daughter was happy looking at decorations for her future bedroom in her dream house. I said to person, I always kept my promise and told them that they will get their dream house. I told her that I was only going to charge an interest of $1. I made promise she can pay me back when she is fully settled in the house and her daughter has a happy stable environment. All I am trying show here is that l made a difference to someone's life and it time to make a difference to someone's else life. It saddens me that my the demise of mental and physical has taken its toll in doing this promise but the same time I have rebuilt someone's life. It shows that I put others before myself whether they take advantage of kindness. I have my role in life in that I help others on site to overcome any crisis. The privilege few my identity and it remain that way for a long time. I scream the pain I endure everyday alone in order to release the pain and hurt l caused to this person. After the solemn scream of silence I live another day to help here and in the local town. Please keep following my plight and thank you reading my passage. Please take care and be safe in this big bad world.