Walking around and trying to stop pressing the self-destruction button.

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday. I drove to a different state and met a couple of homeless people for who I told them to stay strong. I bought them food and they appreciated. I help the homeless not to clear my consciousness but I can relate to them and a similar kindred spirit. I travelled back yesterday and again I cried tears of hurt. I was questioning my madness in what I have to achieve. It's not nice when someone has the control of your life in the palm of their hand. I might endure mental and physical anguish but I am determined to live my life to the maximum by helping others here. There is a point in living and I am more that ever to live my life. Whatever, you are feeling now be brave and do not give into the dark forces you feel. Please be strong and live life.

 

[Unknown_111]

Today was tough. I survived another day helping others. I bought some food from a local store that cost $12.35 cents. I passed the food to old man and his dog. He appreciated it but he was not well himself. I told him not to worry as he could have a safe new year with basic food. I told him to look after himself and I will see him soon. I went to the local town to help the homeless but I ended helping someone to find the right greyhound coach in order to get to the right venue for his new year celebration. I survived another year but life is helping others and I will try to help others each day in the new year. My life has a purpose in helping others who are down and show them that life is important and you need to find the strength within to live life for each day.

As the year draws to a close, we must all find our strength to move forward with life each day in the new year. I hope you have a safe and peaceful new year. Once again, thank for reading my post and I hope it helps you in your crisis. Be brave and most important be safe.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I crashed heavily but I spent the day walking and making people smile. Life is about caring and not hurting others. I went to a main store and met an elderly lady who was with her friend. She laughed at my simple joke. Her friend told me she was a person with issues. I spoke to her direct and explained it was ok. She told me that she lost her rock and eventually broke down. I was saddened by her story and naturally I gave her a simple hug to state that life is important and you deal with situation on a day by day basis. I told her friend that she had a heart of gold in helping this lady. I told her of an organisation that helped and she will look it for herself as the group therapy helped me. It was a nice way to help someone who was in a similar situation. I hope if she ever reads this that it was a pleasure to meet her as it good to help as we could relate to each other.

 

[Unknown_111]

I am compelled to write today. Yesterday, I severely broke down but like everyday, I dig deep to find the strength to live another day. I think that I running out of strength but just living on fumes. I survived yesterday but day by day I try to live my life. Today, I bought some cake which I gave to a homeless care worker and watched people enjoy them. I met a young chap and brought him a couple of drinks. He told me his life story and I had empathy with him.

On the way back, I met the young chap I was helping. I cleared the confusion I had with him and rumours that were spreading. He was happy as for a change he had some personal good news and he seemed in a positive mood. He told me how the holidays were depressing but we cleared the air. We went for a coffee and he was not happy about another person who was upsetting others. I was frightened that he was going to something stupid and tried to calm the situation down. I did not want the young chap do something wrong and gettinginto any trouble. I told his person that I respected him and we were going to leave. We left and I calmed down the young chap. The young chap was very worked up but I told him to stay calm and that we would be friends for life. I asked him to be safe and gave him a hug as he gave me an incentive to live for. On my way back home, I met a homeless person who had not eaten and I gave him some food. He was grateful but I told him that he was a human being who was just down on his luck. I wished him a happy new year and a safe night. I know now what my salvation in life is now. It's so rewarding helping others in life especially when you can relate to them.

 

[Unknown_111]

Last night, I cried and had to rebuild my confidence again. I went to the local town and helped a couple of homeless people. I remote the man with no shoes, brought him a large coffee but was astounded by him being ushered out by the duty manger because of his hygiene. I was taken back but heh I understood the health and safety implications.

I met the old man with the dog and he was begging for electricity money at 1.30 am in the morning. He was upset as the young man he helped the past three months left with a note and not a face to face meeting. I helped old man by giving him $5 dollars and a box of smokes. He appreciated the smokes as he was smoking something decent. I told him that I will get him some food this week and not to worry about anything. I cried on the way and this morning. All that was going on in my head was the statement of "I want to die" but like as ever I was angry with myself what I became two years and cry the shame when I breakdown. I cannot take the anguish I feel for the third party. I try to move on with myself but as I have lost all my self-respect and people take advantage. A lot of folk called me a good person but that statement causes me to cry and cry. I have to console myself by doing good deeds but really I want to end it but I won't because I am gutless and feeble. All I want to do is simply cry and cry all day as it releases the hurt I caused and not the hurt I feel personally. I will live as we all together in the predicament called life. Life is about living but caring for others.

 

[Unknown_111]

The story continues...

Over the past couple of weeks, I helped a lot of people. The man with dog, I promised them food but gave him $10 dollars. I helped another homeless person with giving him $10 dollars. He thanked me.

The girl for who I bought the shoes looked at me and wanted help. I was so saddened that I could not help her and had to walk away with sadness.

Last week, I went back to the same bridge and had the urge to do something. I called the helpline and they helped me to overcome my feelings. Io walked away for the 56th time. All I cried about was the hurt I caused. I cried before posting this post. Like for the past two years, I pick myself up and try overcome these suicidal emotion. Sometimes, I think my life is a roller coast ride in that it's goes up in emotion and then I crash down. You know the feelings where one minute you are high and stable and suddenly you crash.

My tears of shame and hurt have dried up, how much more anguish do I need suffer. I have endured such pressure but I am determined to live life.

If you are new to this forum, please read my post as I am still here nearly feeling like you.surviving on a day to day basis. If I can survive, so can YOU. You must remember that life is important and that includes YOU.

 

[Unknown_111]

After, my earlier post, I broke down again not for me but for the anguish I caused to a lot of people. Why do I breakdown but it shows I really care about many others. My life is might non existence but well deserved that others might think. Many others might feel I deserve this but I live today for nothing. I went to the local town and meet the old man and his dog. The dog leapt to me as he was happy to see me. The old man wanted electricity token but I ended up giving him food he request which was milk, cheese and bread. His smiles and kind words meant a lot and I thanked hIm for it.

 

[Unknown_111]

I compelled to write again. as I write this,tears roll down as having such unbelievable emotion and physical pain each day. It kills me inside that others consider me to be lowlife but I try to live a quiet life. I put a tough front, just to hide the frail kind heart I have as your folk are aware. I feel that individuals might judge me but I survived an ordeal the past two years. I know others won't think the same but I have to live with shame with what I became but it was done under extreme duress if everyone knew the circumstances before I joined this forum. Sometimes I feel lie a puppet where events and people have a control over my life and all I can do is to live for each day and cannot plan for a future. I know my future might be bleak but as long as I am around, I will help others here and in the local town. If I can live so can you. Be strong folks, as together we can battle through life whatever is thrown and we can survive. Thank you for reading this and take.

Remember the tears that roll down my face release the pain I feel and hurt I caused to the third party. I cannot explain why but writing feelings helps me to continue with life.

 

[Unknown_111]

My heart strings are pulled again. A homeless person has just begged for $30 dollars. He said it would the last time and was literally was going to beg. My finances are tight but I am compelled to make a difference in someone's life. Life is important and It means caring for others. I cannot let him down. I will give $20 dollars and see the reaction. He wants the money in the next twenty minutes. I will update my story but I still cry now. Are people taking advantage of my kind heart. Others who don't know me might think I have a dark heart but far from it.

 

[Unknown_111]

From the previous post, I ended up giving up homeless $15 dollars. He appreciated and he called me a good person. This totally broke me down but I had to compose myself in order move forward. I really felt the hurt I caused.

 

[Unknown_111]

Today, I crashed heavily but I am determined to live my life. I had somehow had to fight for my right to live another day. Yes, this morning I wanted to do the final for the hurt I caused but I thought this was crazy. I drag my feet off the floor and l am determined to achieve the impossible.

 

[Petal]

Just out of curiosity how much do you give to the homeless each week? Personally while I hate to see someone begging and I feel for them I wouldn't give them money, i'd buy them a sandwich or usually a bag of chips 'cos with money they could be buying drugs and god knows what else. Do you not think it would be a good idea to give the money maybe to the homeless shelter instead so that you won't be taken for a ride and taken advantage of. You are an amazing person & friend and I do not want to see you get hurt. You're a gem and maybe even ''too'' kind. You are a special person, a rare sort. Please don't let yourself get taken advantage og.

 

[Unknown_111]

Just out of curiosity how much do you give to the homeless each week? Personally while I hate to see someone begging and I feel for them I wouldn't give them money, i'd buy them a sandwich or usually a bag of chips 'cos with money they could be buying drugs and god knows what else. Do you not think it would be a good idea to give the money maybe to the homeless shelter instead so that you won't be taken for a ride and taken advantage of. You are an amazing person & friend and I do not want to see you get hurt. You're a gem and maybe even ''too'' kind. You are a special person, a rare sort. Please don't let yourself get taken advantage og.

Thank you for your kind words but I think life is not about money. Life is about helping each other. I believe you are born with nothing and you move to next horizon with money. The person who I gave money told me he spent it on footwear. I glad I helped as he spent the money wisely and not drink or drugs. If I help someone it helps me in my predicament.

If someone has taken advantage of me then so be it. Too me it shows that I have a kind heart whilst others think different.

My story continues...

 

[Petal]

You never cease to amaze me, you're a wonderful person with a huge heart. I wish everyone was like you. I truly mean that. Everyone in life should help one another, be kind, treat others the way you want to be treated, I just don't want you getting hurt that's all but obviously you know what you're doing and hopefully you won't get hurt. Respect x

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I met a young chap who was going to a meeting and l told to treat them with respect. I advised him to buy some doughnuts to create an impression and he would be breaking the ice. That would break the atmosphere in the meeting. If not, he would eating doughnuts on the long journey home.

I met him last night and the meeting was a success. He thanked me and he created the right impression. He was happy but tired. He told it merely cost him $9 dollars. I was happy for him.

However, the moment of happiness made me crash severely and I called a helpline to calm myself down. I help others but my own issue is far from resolved. I cried and cried tears. I realised all I want to do is simply say sorry but like I have said on many occasions I cling on this mountain of life my the same three fingers. I know I go on about my situation. I don't expect empathy but as ever I help others. People who take advantage of my good nature will get their own karma when they realise the extreme duress I went through. I simply did something stupid but I do really care about the third party and the pain I caused. My heart is literally torn apart when I cry and cry the pain. I ask myself will I ever move forward with life or do I relive the nightmare everyday. I get stronger but I will move forward one day. On many occasions I want to do something but life is about living in peace.

Once again, thank you for reading my post and please take heart we are all the same boat drifting on our different life journeys. Please be brave and let me soak up the pain you feel. If I can still be here so YOU CAN BE. Take care and be safe. X

 

[Unknown_111]

I just broke down now. It was hard as tears roll down. Why do I cry I a lot? I keep asking myself. The logical reason I can come up is that I really care for what I done. I know there is no future between us which I truly now accept. But who knows how much more of anguish I can take. I must in my own believe try to move on with my life but the story will continue. I hope I am still here this time next year. I know deep down how much life really means. When you reach an all time low you have to dig deep and even deeper to find the strength to move forward. How much more deep must I dig. I will move forward stronger.

 

[Unknown_111]

I'm so down today as I wanted to something stupid. There is a fine line when you are pushed to the edge of life. I minute I want to end it and the little angel inside me says YOU are important. It may sound stupid but everyone has a devil and angel on either shoulder. You angel tells you to do the right thing. I simply want to say sorry and ask forgiveness. But I am determined to achieve the impossible. Remember life is IMPORTANT AND THAT INCLUDES ALL OF US ON THIS SITE.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I helped someone in a different town. It was a young chap who had just come out of local penitentiary prison and was down. I talked to him and he told me he was located here as he needed to report the local probation and pretrial service even though he lived a local town which was 30 km away. He was down so, I gave him $10 dollars. He was happy and in addition, I gave him $10 dollar gift token for food. He thanked me and I told him that I did not judge him as he needed support. But yesterday, it was heavy as I crashed heavily as mental strain of the hurt I caused played on my mind. Like as ever, I picked up myself and tried to continue living my life. My story will continue....

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I had some bad news of a young homeless chap who I helped and on numerous occasions he beamed s smile with his broken teeth. I heard he had died and it really hurt me that someone I helped had gone. The young chap was just twenty eight years old. I cried inside for him as someone described him as a "leech" on society and he is not here to defend himself. You should never talk ill of the dead. It caused me to breakdown this morning as I had to just call a helpline to calm myself down. I feel for this person's family as they just want lay him in rest and with dignity. Ok, he went down with road of ruin but at the end of day he is another human being just like you and myself. Society is cruel but we must live humans and in harmony. Life is about not holding grudges or being revengeful but being caring to each other. We all do wrong and perhaps we will not be forgiven but we have to remain strong for each other. I cry as I write this on the inside but showing my emotion to others might a sign of weakness. Folks be strong as it showed me that life is very important. Take care please. X

 

[Unknown_111]

Today, someone said some harsh words. Totally unneccessary as they hurt me. The pain I endure causes me to end the hell I live everyday. I truly want to live but I cry all the time. All I want to do is simply sorry for what I came but I can only see words being meaningless to the third party. I scream the pain I caused every night in silence. Do I really deserve to die for simply caring? If I caused any distress it causes me anguish so much. I have tried everything but I will achieve the impossible because I simply care. I know that people think I deserve to die but would I change what I went through. The answer would be yes by apologising for stress and hurt I caused. I know I deserve everything but I know deep down I really care for the hurt I caused. Everyday I get scared about having to take my life but I won't because life is IMPORTANT a d THAT'S INCLUDES YOU FOLKS.