Today was a terrible day. I suffered from a illness where I withdrew from society by closing the curtains. I went to an medical center in a different town and quietly waited my time. The receptionist was understanding as she dealt with a lot of difficult circumstances. I stood hereby where ill people were asking how long it was going to take. I intervened on several occasions stating to others that I was waiting and they should be patient. I saw the receptionist breakdown with stress and I intervened by doing a nice gesture. One act of kindness turned around someone's day. The smile was priceless but I kept my distance. I did not want to give out the wrong signals. I got the medication and gave this receptionist two smokes to relieve the stress she was suffering.
In the afternoon, I sat staring at four walls and this caused me to breakdown in a massive manner. I cried to the floor looking at the mamouth task I had promised to do. To be honest I did have thoughts about verbally contacting the third party direct in order to end this nightmare. I did not make contact yesterday was simply because I did not want bring up any duress and the hurt I caused. In the end, I broke down crying crawling from one side of the room to the other banging the floor and shouting two statements. One minute stating " I want to die" and the next minute shouting "I want to live".
It's showed me that sitting on your own causes your emotional turmoil so I managed to drag myself into the Human world and felt a lot better with human interaction. This has happened on numerous occasions. When I returned, the two most precious things in my life broke me down. The emotions bubbled up again but I rested and tried to sleep the feelings of sorrow I have.
Yet, again in my daily struggle, I managed to survive but to be honest with your folk, how many more times do I have to endure such mental and physical pain. I remember when I joined this forum, I searched myself and the campaign of hate that was started by whoever completely destroyed my inner self-respect. Do I forgive my haters one would ask?
I cannot give an answer but I hope when you read this realise I did and do suffer on a daily basis. The mental scars will never heal and I am not asking for forgiveness. I am still here today due to this site and that's why I give back everyday as YOU FOLK DRIVE ME TO REACH THE IMPOSSIBLE. If I don't do it, I want to leave a log to where every human being will understand the pain I endure everyday.
Life is about caring for others with the milk of human kindness and not material wealth. I have no soul but I walk everyday trying to gain soul. Others who hate me, I hope myself, I hope I burn a violent d##th ( I'm so sorry for any triggers I have caused) but inspire others to live. I will write everyday as much as I can. If I stopped one person from committing the final act then I have served a purpose in life.
SIMPLES, LIFE IS ABOUT LIVING AND CARING FOR OTHERS REGARDLESS OF COLOUR , SEX OR SIZE. At the end of the day, we are ONE BIG TRIBE.
You're getting so much good out of life and impacting people in such a positive way. That's inspiring and shows how much helping others helps OURSELVES. You should be very proud of yourself. It shows that you're not as bad as you think you are. You could just not help anyone but instead you show what a caring person you are. Those people would be hungry if it wasn't for YOU. Everything is going to be ok. hug