wat can i say

[vbuk]

its all wrong. im fucked. i tell everyone things r fine. i tell myself things r going well. but im a liar. a liar to myself. if i tell myself that things r fine then surely one day ill start believing it. isnt that true?

during the day i feel fine. work is going well. i can actually laugh. i was a fool to think that was me. its not.

im trying so so hard to be what everyone wants. but im never good enough. i try to hide myself away. nobody at all really knows n e thing about me. i have no emotions. im an empty shell.

last night i watched this film. the butterfly effect. (its a fab film) this guy has to keep journals. it made me think and i got my diary out and wrote. not written in ages.

i was trying to work things out in my head. the film ended and i cried. i cried so hard i had a panic attack. i couldnt breathe.

the emotional pain is too much. i cant handle it. i needed physical pain. i needed to hurt myself and didnt care how.

i tried to hide it. i tried to ignore the feelings. just to try and get on with things. but it got worse. it hurt so bad.

none of this makes sence so ill shut up.

im sorry

Clare

 

[smackh2o]

It makes perfect sense actually
There's a book I have started to read called 'Climbing out of depression' by Sue Atkinson. It's written by someone who's been at ground zero and has gotten better. I really recommend you get a copy and just read it. Its not full of lies or false hope for one. It makes you feell like your not completely alone and gives you a foothold so that things can start to make a little bit more sense.
You gotta keep talking on here though with people and try and let stuff out as much as you can.

 

[vbuk]

i just want to end it all

 

[sky_blue]

i so wanna say something to make you feel better

when i'm alone with my thoughts i imagine life being like a choice between something happy and fake or something sad and real. and it tears me up inside not knowing which one to choose.

it sounds stupid and simplistic. it is stupid and simplistic. i'm sorry but thats all i have.

 

[sky_blue]

quite possible the sytupidest most pretentiious thing i've ever written .

just don't end it all ok please.