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#21
Hey Claus. I think what a lot of people are trying to highlight by describing how they relate to your experience is that they can see the unrealistic way you view yourself, because it's so similar to the way they viewed themselves. And it's so blatant in the way you describe yourself, because if you were viewing yourself objectively and fairly, you would be able to see some positive and value in yourself no matter how much of the negative was fact. You could pick literally the worst people from human history and find a few good things you could say about them, so to be as bad as you claim, you would have to make dictators, serial killers, cannibals, etc, all look better by comparison. And you'd have to be pretty exceptionally awful to have done that. Hence, the way you perceive yourself comes across as deeply self-loathing and biased, which is a classic sign of depressed thinking, which is why people keep bringing up depression.

As for therapy, the way it's work is that yes, it is technically just talking, but it's talking that requires you to take a real look at yourself, without any illusions or delusions, to wipe away all the layers of insecurities, doubt, and self-hatred. To see the real person hiding underneath all that crap. To work through the intricate spider's web of damage, negative thought patterns, and biased thinking that form your issues, and in the end to understand the paths your mind takes, how it gets to its conclusions, and how to stop letting it go down bad roads. It can take years to untangle that messy ball of neuroses, misaligned beliefs and poor self-images, and make it organised and tidy again, especially since it will constantly attempt to untidy itself. And that increase in feeling depressed is often part of the process in the early days. Because pushing through that sadness and continuing to work on it is how you reach the core of your problems, and become stronger and better for it. Because that sadness, is the work.

You argue you're a lost cause, but to us, you sound so familiar, because you sound just like us. Every person that has come here has believed they are a lost cause at some point or another, but has gradually changed over time into these optimistic, painfully cheerful people you see trying to defend you. They all saw that they had more value than they realised, and they earnestly believe that you do too, you just aren't at the point where you can see it yet. :)
Okay I understand. So what should I do because I don't know at all and can't help myself even that I'm the one who's supposed to.
 

Lisa the Goatgirl

I'm all things, and so are you
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#22
Well, i really would advise talking to a therapist about all of this. Whether you're depressed or not, it does sound like you have enough negativity and sadness swirling around in your head to more than justify it, and you'd be surprised, people go to therapists for all kinds of stuff. There should be some around you that aren't that hospital psychologist who made you feel uncomfortable, or private practice, so you should be able to find one who makes you feel comfortable but doesn't charge. it sounds really daft but a google search for "therapist [Your town]" should give you a few potential results. The only downside to that is that you will be put on a waiting list once you apply, probably for a month or two, but in the meanwhile, the people here are more than happy to listen to whatever you want to talk about, within the rules, and try to provide outside perspectives from our years of experience with these things about how you can find hope, and maybe some kindness for yourself. :)
 
#23
I can't really go to one. I feel like I'm not going to express myself the same as here or anywhere else behind a laptop/phone etc... What if I'm going there and nothing will change in better because I won't tell how I really feel because of some sort of fear? I mean face to face I can't talk about anything I think about me. It will be all silence there. And I feel like if I somehow with a miracle do make courage to tell my family again about this it will be like the last time.
I'll tell the story of it, it will be long :( Here we go:

The thought of suicide came suddenly through my mind like 6-7 years ago when I was in middle school. That time I was somehow bullied and heard a lot of things like "Look at your face." , get called other things or punched because I'm weak and skinny. I was the laughing stock of the class because from when I was little I didn't do well in academics. Bad means that one time I was retained after classes 3 hours to understand whats " , " or numbers and letters when I was little. Then after that came the marks. Not those bad/good/very good. Real marks that are from 1 to 10. I was getting only 4/5 or maybe 6's. Then it came the final exam at the 8th year that decides at witch high school I could go into and get accepted. This now includes why I start to get very irritated about my cousins and family. I still remember the feeling of staying at the table with all and made fun of right in my face. Things like "He will get into *that* high school (the most bad high school from here).". That feeling of big support from them. And why I get irritated about my family and cousins? It's because I got in a good high school, got better grades like 7/8/9 even 10. At least my English is not the best but I got good grades like 8/9/10 and was let home earlier because of it. But you know what hurts more? The thing that I told my mom about those good marks, even at math I got some good marks as 8/9/10 and was stupid to hope for a damn praise. I told my mom that I don't deserve a praise? She was like "Do you even need?". What gets me more mad is that I'm every damn time compared to my 4 years older brother. I know that he is better. Has a social life, social skills, got from the start good grades, got a stable job in police with a good salary, has a girlfriend, is fun and all others. Don't get me wrong, when we were little we was arguing and beating each other but now we grew up and are good and I don't hate him. They are like why I'm mad that they call a lot his name instead of mine even if they have something to tell me. I wonder, why? I should've get used to it. Okay let drop this and continue.
After middle school I thought high school will be better. Oh poor thing, it really thought that. I got in a class full of guys and 3 girls, one left after 2 years. The thing is that I wish it was more girls. Why? Because I'm a boy? Nope. Because girls are more respectful. And at least that was what I was thinking that time until I got fear of girls after just a year or so. First thing happened by just walking past some girls in a park. I was walking home as I got keys for home from my brother because I didn't had any and he had work as to watch a school as police practice that time. I think that time dropped a lot my self image of myself when just bluntly and loud heard one saying to the other like in the middle school "Look at his face.". I thought it was something that only those who bullied me said. So my self image dropped because even those who don't bully me say I'm ugly right? That was fine somehow at that time even that I got so insecure beside my shyness from when I was little. In some good months after that happening I was at high school trying to get out of school because the entrance it's very small as only one person can enter or exit and a lot were there. So a girl were beside me and told me "You're beautiful.". It seems that nothing is wrong right? The thing is that in my language this can be addressed as feminine or masculine (handsome). I thought she said as masculine so I said thanks. After that it was the most embarrassing thing because she started saying to all what I said and laughing. This might sound very stupid but for me it hurt and got me more shy and now can't really talk to girls. Just small talk and don't know what to talk about. All my family bring out the thing that I should've got already a girlfriend. But how. I have low self image, got a bad past with the girls. And don't have anything that girl would benefit in the relationship. Why can't they just accept that I'm no good at that and will stay single?
After all these in high school I got courage and told my mom that I have only very bad anxiety. It was the worst experience. I told her and my whole skinny body was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't really talk. It felt like I couldn't speak anything. After that we got to the family doctor. Again, the same thing "Why don't you have a girlfriend?". Yes I would want one but I'm no good like I said and don't have anything to offer beside low self esteem, depression and who knows because I'm not diagnosed. So why everywhere the same thing. I asked for a good psych. She said to go to the children hospital to a lady she mentioned. There I was waiting and started to feel uncomfortable because of how it was there and the children smaller than me and seemed that they had much harder. So when I was about to enter in that room that I saw it was like in jail, they closed. I told my mom I feel uncomfortable there and I want home. I told her it will be okay. She doesn't really care. She doesn't believe in depression and other things. If she was worried, after that moment I was shaking like hell, she wouldn't give up on me so easily and trust the depressed. Like now, she came to tell me something. You know what? Didn't cry for years. A lot of years. Now writing this I'm holding in and stop writing for a few seconds and still some get through. I wipe it. I felt that she would say something. Nah, she was more preoccupied to let me know what formation of musicians will go to my brother marriage. Isn't enough the hint of someones watery eyes and the face of like it cried literally 5 steps away? Sometimes I feel like I would hug someone like 10 minutes straight. Then get over it because there is no one who cares or who would.
After all this my thoughts got more and more worse day by day. My parents are going to another country to work every winter. I mean you would imagine a lot of things only by hearing it right? An depressed and suicidal individual alone. No, I didn't attempt the suicide even that I was crying with the knife beside me sometimes. At some point I got to cut my forehand with a cutter reserves very sharp. Then I didn't do it for a time but recently did again. Not on the forehand but somewhere no one can see. I got scars now there. Not bad but I got them.
And now the present. Got so suicidal that I failed at all the aspects of life. Academically because even that I improved my grades in high school I still failed my exams 2 times with very low grades, socially and many more. Now just suicidal, apparently depressed that you said so, staying home all day, have no friends, can't make them, can't do anything and be just a miserable human being.

All this story sounds very stupid to be suicidal right? But I can't, I just feel like the only option is suicide. I don't know if I can be fixed. At least I can't fix myself, I know that I can't and I'll be either like this forever doing nothing to change or dead.
 

Cagla

romantic bastard
#24
I can't really go to one. I feel like I'm not going to express myself the same as here or anywhere else behind a laptop/phone etc... What if I'm going there and nothing will change in better because I won't tell how I really feel because of some sort of fear? I mean face to face I can't talk about anything I think about me. It will be all silence there. And I feel like if I somehow with a miracle do make courage to tell my family again about this it will be like the last time.
I'll tell the story of it, it will be long :( Here we go:

The thought of suicide came suddenly through my mind like 6-7 years ago when I was in middle school. That time I was somehow bullied and heard a lot of things like "Look at your face." , get called other things or punched because I'm weak and skinny. I was the laughing stock of the class because from when I was little I didn't do well in academics. Bad means that one time I was retained after classes 3 hours to understand whats " , " or numbers and letters when I was little. Then after that came the marks. Not those bad/good/very good. Real marks that are from 1 to 10. I was getting only 4/5 or maybe 6's. Then it came the final exam at the 8th year that decides at witch high school I could go into and get accepted. This now includes why I start to get very irritated about my cousins and family. I still remember the feeling of staying at the table with all and made fun of right in my face. Things like "He will get into *that* high school (the most bad high school from here).". That feeling of big support from them. And why I get irritated about my family and cousins? It's because I got in a good high school, got better grades like 7/8/9 even 10. At least my English is not the best but I got good grades like 8/9/10 and was let home earlier because of it. But you know what hurts more? The thing that I told my mom about those good marks, even at math I got some good marks as 8/9/10 and was stupid to hope for a damn praise. I told my mom that I don't deserve a praise? She was like "Do you even need?". What gets me more mad is that I'm every damn time compared to my 4 years older brother. I know that he is better. Has a social life, social skills, got from the start good grades, got a stable job in police with a good salary, has a girlfriend, is fun and all others. Don't get me wrong, when we were little we was arguing and beating each other but now we grew up and are good and I don't hate him. They are like why I'm mad that they call a lot his name instead of mine even if they have something to tell me. I wonder, why? I should've get used to it. Okay let drop this and continue.
After middle school I thought high school will be better. Oh poor thing, it really thought that. I got in a class full of guys and 3 girls, one left after 2 years. The thing is that I wish it was more girls. Why? Because I'm a boy? Nope. Because girls are more respectful. And at least that was what I was thinking that time until I got fear of girls after just a year or so. First thing happened by just walking past some girls in a park. I was walking home as I got keys for home from my brother because I didn't had any and he had work as to watch a school as police practice that time. I think that time dropped a lot my self image of myself when just bluntly and loud heard one saying to the other like in the middle school "Look at his face.". I thought it was something that only those who bullied me said. So my self image dropped because even those who don't bully me say I'm ugly right? That was fine somehow at that time even that I got so insecure beside my shyness from when I was little. In some good months after that happening I was at high school trying to get out of school because the entrance it's very small as only one person can enter or exit and a lot were there. So a girl were beside me and told me "You're beautiful.". It seems that nothing is wrong right? The thing is that in my language this can be addressed as feminine or masculine (handsome). I thought she said as masculine so I said thanks. After that it was the most embarrassing thing because she started saying to all what I said and laughing. This might sound very stupid but for me it hurt and got me more shy and now can't really talk to girls. Just small talk and don't know what to talk about. All my family bring out the thing that I should've got already a girlfriend. But how. I have low self image, got a bad past with the girls. And don't have anything that girl would benefit in the relationship. Why can't they just accept that I'm no good at that and will stay single?
After all these in high school I got courage and told my mom that I have only very bad anxiety. It was the worst experience. I told her and my whole skinny body was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't really talk. It felt like I couldn't speak anything. After that we got to the family doctor. Again, the same thing "Why don't you have a girlfriend?". Yes I would want one but I'm no good like I said and don't have anything to offer beside low self esteem, depression and who knows because I'm not diagnosed. So why everywhere the same thing. I asked for a good psych. She said to go to the children hospital to a lady she mentioned. There I was waiting and started to feel uncomfortable because of how it was there and the children smaller than me and seemed that they had much harder. So when I was about to enter in that room that I saw it was like in jail, they closed. I told my mom I feel uncomfortable there and I want home. I told her it will be okay. She doesn't really care. She doesn't believe in depression and other things. If she was worried, after that moment I was shaking like hell, she wouldn't give up on me so easily and trust the depressed. Like now, she came to tell me something. You know what? Didn't cry for years. A lot of years. Now writing this I'm holding in and stop writing for a few seconds and still some get through. I wipe it. I felt that she would say something. Nah, she was more preoccupied to let me know what formation of musicians will go to my brother marriage. Isn't enough the hint of someones watery eyes and the face of like it cried literally 5 steps away? Sometimes I feel like I would hug someone like 10 minutes straight. Then get over it because there is no one who cares or who would.
After all this my thoughts got more and more worse day by day. My parents are going to another country to work every winter. I mean you would imagine a lot of things only by hearing it right? An depressed and suicidal individual alone. No, I didn't attempt the suicide even that I was crying with the knife beside me sometimes. At some point I got to cut my forehand with a cutter reserves very sharp. Then I didn't do it for a time but recently did again. Not on the forehand but somewhere no one can see. I got scars now there. Not bad but I got them.
And now the present. Got so suicidal that I failed at all the aspects of life. Academically because even that I improved my grades in high school I still failed my exams 2 times with very low grades, socially and many more. Now just suicidal, apparently depressed that you said so, staying home all day, have no friends, can't make them, can't do anything and be just a miserable human being.

All this story sounds very stupid to be suicidal right? But I can't, I just feel like the only option is suicide. I don't know if I can be fixed. At least I can't fix myself, I know that I can't and I'll be either like this forever doing nothing to change or dead.
It's not stupid my friend. It's a shame people don't try to understand how they make other people feel with nasty words. With sharp blades words ...I'm sorry for their rudeness, their cruelty. Your family doesn't seem to understand your problems also. When they don't understand you, there's one person who can help you and it's you. Do you have a counselor in the school? Or maybe try online therapy? I think it's better to do something about it, you're suffering and self harming, it doesn't get away without doing nothing. Only you can do, people here will give you advice and help you either. Please you're so young and your life isn't your family. They won't be with you some day you will have your own independent life. And the only thing is you need to work for it. I know you need praise from your mother but some mothers don't feel , they are just . ...not the best mom's. Bear with them and try to be good on your grades, about bullies can you talk to a teacher about this issue?
 

Lisa the Goatgirl

I'm all things, and so are you
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#25
Having read your story, it doesn't sound stupid to me at all. It sounds like you've never really gotten much support or encouragement from anywhere, least of all your parents, who should be the ones most actively pushing you to believe in yourself and find happiness. That kind of thing can have an awful effect on a person's ability to see positives in themselves, or even be okay with their own existence. And it sounds like this has shaken your confidence so much that it's also affected your ability to do your best. So many things have happened to put you down and make you feel lesser. It's not surprising you have such a negative opinion of yourself, but i don't think the way you've been treated is any kind of reflection on who you are or what your worth is though. It seems like you've just grown up in a really toxic environment, and i'm so sorry you've had to go through all that, nobody deserves to go through that. And to have your discussion of your feelings met with such distrust and skepticism from your mother, it's no wonder that you struggle with accepting the idea that you may be depressed. I can also relate to the difficulties with your older brother, i have the same issues with my older sister, who has an 11 year head-start on me. She became a fancy doctor with a happy marriage, a nice house and happy children, so i get how it feels.

It sounds like you really need and deserve to be given the space to figure out what you want from yourself. Not what your parents want, not what your teachers want, not what society wants, but what you personally want. And at the end of the day, it sounds like that's all that should matter to you, because it sounds like the people around you are laying some pretty unreasonable expectations on your head.

I can totally understand your feelings about discussing these things face-to-face. I think there are often online counselling services as well, where you can talk to a therapist via text chat if that's what you would prefer. Or if you want you can just keep coming here and talking to us. If what you've said so far is any indication, you'll get nothing but understanding and support here.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Admin
SF Supporter
#26
@claus200 - I am truly sorry you feel so badly. So many of us here have gone through periods where what we tried to do help ourselves didn’t seem to be working. I do understand that feeling.

It sounds like you’re having a really hard time. Counselling or therapy can be very helpful for many people. Yes, it can be scary to let our feelings out to others - in group or private therapy - and yet somehow it helps. In group, we might learn that many others experience the same worries we do and find out how they deal with it.

The nasty things that people at school said to you sound like nasty things that “children” say to other kids. I’m sure the comments hurt. Here’s the thing: they were kids and were being intentionally nasty. Intentionally nasty comments are usually not true. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate them...reconsider the source and the time they were said. The sources were childhood bullies whose intention was to find anything to say that would hurt, not “something true” to say that would hurt. They didn’t care if it was true or not - they just said what would hurt.

You did well in school when you were not stressing about its relationship to who you are and your self-worth. I would hang on to the successes and maybe explore how to reduce exam anxiety so that anxiety doesn’t affect your score. And many many people do get anxious at exams. And they do learn how to manage that anxiety. I’m sure you can too!

It seems to me that you have more to offer the world than you think. It’s a shame you didn’t get more support from your folks. Here you are at 19, though, and you have made it this far. You’re stronger than you think. After all you have gone through, it would be sad to see you give up now. Keep trying. The effort is for YOU and YOU ARE WORTH IT! And you will get support here on this forum. Lots of it. *hug
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#27
What are you talking about work. It's just talking. Maybe I didn't tried to do all I could do to make me feel better. But can't go to a psycholog as in the hospital it's very uncomfortable and mades me more depressed there. An privat one needs money so I need to tell my mom again that I need one and they are not good with money for now. I'm not saying I don't want to try anything. It's just that's like you can see how I am. It's the feeling that I'll do nothing good and won't improve my life at all because of no one else than me.
Therapy IS talking, but a lot of the work of therapy happens outside of that hour a week. Not all therapists, but many, will assign homework - journaling maybe or exercises from a workbook, and during the week you practice things that you’ve learned. The talking part is helpful, but you are still the one doing the work to heal.

I get it, it’s a lousy catch-22 when you need motivation and strength to do what’s necessary to feel better, but feeling lousy drains motivation and strength. There are a lot of small things that can at least get you moving in the right direction. Maybe it’s not therapy for you, it’s definitely not easy to access for everyone, but there are other things that can certainly help. Not immediately - it takes a lot of small victories to make progress and it’s not visible for a while. Believe me, I’m not trying to minimize how hard it can be to do this stuff, and how impossible and hopeless it can feel. But it is absolutely possible.

If one of the issues is dealing with people, maybe it will be helpful for you to just hang around and participate in the forums here. There’s pretty much always someone around to talk to, and people here will get what you’re going through. You’re not alone in this.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#28
Hey, I just caught up and read your story. Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you have dealt with people being so cruel. It's not fair, and you did nothing to deserve that. Nothing you wrote sounds stupid. You can't try to compare your story to other people's. Your pain is real, and it matters.

By the way, there is nothing that says you 'should' have had a girlfriend. I know it's hard when everyone around you is dating, but you really are still young, and you have plenty of time to figure that out.

I still think therapy would be helpful - a therapist is a perosn who will be on your side, and help you to learn how to think clearly about yourself and try to seperate your opinion from other people's. It IS hard to open up to a therapist, especially in person. It can take time to trust them enough to do so. And a thing I often do, and I know others do as well, is write down the hardest things or the things I worry will be misunderstood.

Just try to remember that not everything you think is really true. You are worth more than you are feeling right now. *hug
 
#29
It's not stupid my friend. It's a shame people don't try to understand how they make other people feel with nasty words. With sharp blades words ...I'm sorry for their rudeness, their cruelty. Your family doesn't seem to understand your problems also. When they don't understand you, there's one person who can help you and it's you. Do you have a counselor in the school? Or maybe try online therapy? I think it's better to do something about it, you're suffering and self harming, it doesn't get away without doing nothing. Only you can do, people here will give you advice and help you either. Please you're so young and your life isn't your family. They won't be with you some day you will have your own independent life. And the only thing is you need to work for it. I know you need praise from your mother but some mothers don't feel , they are just . ...not the best mom's. Bear with them and try to be good on your grades, about bullies can you talk to a teacher about this issue?
Okay so I really have a bad English. First of all, what I said happened*. That means I was in high school and not anymore as I graduated though failed 2 times at the exams for college. The bullying happened in middle school and not anymore in high school. At least I think that was. Yes like I mentioned in other replies, I'm the one who needs to help myself but can't. I can't work for it, I don't have any will to do so and feel like I really can't. Is there online therapy? Most of them are only for US or other countries dedicated. My family is not my life, I know. I can somehow be independent. And I think it's not sharp words, I think it's the truth. I do really am ugly.
 
#30
@claus200 - I am truly sorry you feel so badly. So many of us here have gone through periods where what we tried to do help ourselves didn’t seem to be working. I do understand that feeling.

It sounds like you’re having a really hard time. Counselling or therapy can be very helpful for many people. Yes, it can be scary to let our feelings out to others - in group or private therapy - and yet somehow it helps. In group, we might learn that many others experience the same worries we do and find out how they deal with it.

The nasty things that people at school said to you sound like nasty things that “children” say to other kids. I’m sure the comments hurt. Here’s the thing: they were kids and were being intentionally nasty. Intentionally nasty comments are usually not true. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate them...reconsider the source and the time they were said. The sources were childhood bullies whose intention was to find anything to say that would hurt, not “something true” to say that would hurt. They didn’t care if it was true or not - they just said what would hurt.

You did well in school when you were not stressing about its relationship to who you are and your self-worth. I would hang on to the successes and maybe explore how to reduce exam anxiety so that anxiety doesn’t affect your score. And many many people do get anxious at exams. And they do learn how to manage that anxiety. I’m sure you can too!

It seems to me that you have more to offer the world than you think. It’s a shame you didn’t get more support from your folks. Here you are at 19, though, and you have made it this far. You’re stronger than you think. After all you have gone through, it would be sad to see you give up now. Keep trying. The effort is for YOU and YOU ARE WORTH IT! And you will get support here on this forum. Lots of it. *hug
Even with all this support, I'm not going to change. I think it was a mistake to come here. It's useless, I'm useless. There won't be anything good and I don't have any will to do anything. The time was decided already. Sorry.
 
#31
Thank you all for trying to make me feel better. I just can't. I'm a coward and have no will to do anything about all this. I can't change myself or anything else.
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#32
I don’t think you are a coward, useless or that it was a mistake for you to come here. I may be new to this site but I’m not new to the world of mental illness having been diagnosed in 1999. You need help but no one can make you get that help. You have to decide for yourself that now is the time to get better. Mental health systems are bad no matter where you are from. I wish that wasn’t the case but it is. But somehow please try to find some help. I’ve been trying for over 20 years, it sucks I know but understand this you are not alone in how you feel.
 
#33
I'm not alone, I know that. But where is the help? Only thing right now would be online therapy that you guys mentioned. An if it's with money it will still be a problem. Maybe not if it's not expensive. Even so, I can't help myself. I'm no good. Maybe I wasn't meant to live. At least I'm not worth anything because I can't do anything.
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#34
I did a quick Google search for online depression therapy and a few sites came up. I don’t have any experience with online therapy, I’m old school and all my therapy has been face to face. You could try searching too and see if it’s something that may help you. What you are feeling is what most here have felt or still do. Finding good help is hard but it is possible but you have to push through what the depression is making you think and find some help somewhere.
 
#35
Still suicidal but today I started to notice a difference as in the morning it wasn't the same awful feeling. Though I knew it would be too good to happen. So my parents decided to make me go back, why not. Dad was looking at some military man who had great strength and said "When will you do this? Never because you stay only on that laptop." And then that he supports what I want to do. Then I got mad because that is a false statement. I stay on laptop because without it I can't do what I want. With what to program and do 3D modeling? With the dumbbell? Then added to the fuel like they both always do "You won't do anything in life. You don't know what life is.". Yes I don't know. I'm stupid and I know it but at least don't give me more reason to do something that it seems even strangers don't want me to do. Should I stop using the laptop or pc? I know that I spend a lot of time on it, but I do what I like. I feel like they just want to make me get rid even of the only thing that makes my mind at peace. The only time my mind gets a break from all those thinking of mine.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Admin
SF Supporter
#37
Still suicidal but today I started to notice a difference as in the morning it wasn't the same awful feeling.
Try to hold on to that feeling. This suicidal shit goes up and down you know? Some days can be pure hell but the next can be better. It takes a while (I'm still trying) but try to learn to ride the waves.

Parents can be weird things but as a general rule they want what they think is best for their kids. But there can often be a real communication barrier. And sometimes they just don't get it but that's normally not through lack of trying. It does get easier as you get older - maybe because they often begin to take you more seriously as they see you as an adult in your own right instead of their child. Keep trying to talk to them, to explain what it is you want with your life. Try to keep it calm though, they'll listen more. Computers are at the heart of everything on the world now, it's a different world now to the one your parents generation grew up in. It took a long time for me to figure that out with my kid. He's 23 now with a career in coding and I couldn't be more proud of him.

P.S: I searched for online therapy too. I found a good website with 200+ doctors in all areas: psychological, nutrition etc... The first meeting on skype it's free and then if you want to continue pay a sum of money. I'm scared and can't just press that button who will match me with the best one for me :(
That's a really good start, well done! What have you got to lose by pressing that button? This could be a real turning point in your life on so many levels. I hope you summon up the courage to press it soon, you deserve it.
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#38
P.S: I searched for online therapy too. I found a good website with 200+ doctors in all areas: psychological, nutrition etc... The first meeting on skype it's free and then if you want to continue pay a sum of money. I'm scared and can't just press that button who will match me with the best one for me :(
PRESS THAT BUTTON!! (And yes I meant for it to be in all caps)! You’ve taken the first step towards getting the help you deserve and the first step is always the hardest. Best wishes.
 
#40
Last days at least I didn't got to stay paralyzed for some hours in bed just looking at the ceiling like I was before. So I suppose better? I don't know because the suicidal feeling is still present and sometimes persists. Maybe because of going to gym even if I'm very weak and feel like throwing up or because I spent more time on my 3D modeling room instead of staying paralyzed? By the way, can someone give an opinion? I don't know, it looks strange, want to animate it (doesn't work the one with better floor, maybe because it's 4k?): Update4.png
 
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