We had no clue......

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Godimissyoubman, Mar 13, 2015.

  1. Godimissyoubman

    Godimissyoubman New Member

    So January 7 2015 is a day forever i will not forget even saying 6:37pm. I was on the phone with my ex wife and we were talking about how our holidays were and Xmas was just like 2 normal people could have a phone conversation ( we were married for 14 years but separated in early 2014 but stayed friends)
    The scream she made when she discovered our 17 year old son had taken his life to the act of suicide was the day our lives changed forever.....
    He was a honour student, on the high school foot ball team, in the rock and and jazz band at school and was an amazing dancer ( he was offered a trip to go work with the circ du soli group) he also trained a lot with the dancers from so you think you can dance.
    So tonight I sit here and just ponder "why????" We didn't see signs, we didn't think he would ever do such a thing.
    Sure school pressure and life but not this.
    I just wanted to put my feelings out as I am so broken inside but try my hardest to have the positive face for our 14 year old son and everyone around me.
    His smile. His amazing heart to help others and ensure everyone is happy. His ability to fill a room of over 700 people at his service all because he touched each one.
    I just don't get it.
    <mod edit - guidelines>
    Thanks for letting me just vent.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    who knows what his internal fights were i am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful son. I do hope that you and you 14 yr old son have support you need to help you through your grief Hope you continue to reach out here for support as well
  3. Godimissyoubman

    Godimissyoubman New Member

    I have now laid n bed no sleep no food just numb. I thought it would get easier but it's not. It's actually harder....
    I can get drive to do anything. I just question why??? Why would you leave us to hurt so much??
    And the worst part. People think you should get over it and move on. Tell you what lose your child and then just forget and move on. It's killing me inside because I have to a brave face to everyone. But inside I just wanna scream and shout..
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 17, 2015
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WEll those people don't have a dam clue do they about losing someone you love. You will never get over it ok you will learn to somehow move forward and live He did not want to leave you with pain no way He was lost ok lost in a darkness that no one can explain unless they have been there. You scream you cry you let all that pain and sadness out you get angry you have that right to feel whatever you are feeling. NOW it is important for you to reach out and get some help for YOU ok some grief councilling someone to help guide you through this terrible pain you are feeling

    You need to look after YOU now don't listen to the ones that do not have a clue ok you get professional help The loss of child no one get over that you need help to move pass the pain so reach out and get some ok
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I cannot say in words how sorry I feel for you. Do not blame yourself. Sometimes people with depression are very good at putting on a front at hiding it. I hope in time your pain will ease, keep talking to us :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 17, 2015
  6. Godimissyoubman

    Godimissyoubman New Member

    Counselling. That's the issue. Because I am not "wanting to hurt myself" I am on a waiting list. Have been since January 10 and they just closed a bunch of programs here in Calgary so now I am bumps even further... If I say I am a threat I get admitted and I don't want that. It's so frustrating you wonder where the flaw is in the system. So I have to take care of myself. I went to a shrink and walked out because I felt like I was a test subject from a course. So unwelcoming. So I try every day to be happy and ensure I know this was not my fault but still very hard
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 17, 2015
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    How long more is the waiting list? Could they put you up further if you tell them the distress you are going though? (don't have to say suicidal.)
    Again, im very sorry, i know what it's like a friend of mine died in 2011 and it was hell. It did get easier for me in time.
  8. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I am so sorry to read about your son. Losing a child is the worst possible loss, I think - in fact, this is my greatest fear in life having 2 daughters myself who have at various times been seriously suicidal. My heart really goes out to you as you struggle to cope. Are there support groups in your area for parents who have lost children? You need to be able to talk with other parents who have been through what you are going through.

    Your son sounds like he was a wonderful person who brought a lot of joy to those who loved him. I hope someday you will be able to remember the good times.
  9. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    The question why can haunt you for the rest of your life. Theres no words I can offer you to make this all go away like a bad nightmare and it's all fine again.

    Sorry that this happened to your son, it affects everybody from all walks of life from your son who had everything going to everybody else. You did not do anything wrong and no there is no what ifs... It's hard to accept it happened, be there for your ex and your other son who probably need you as much as you need them to cope with this.

    To find a loss support group could be another option for you to help deal with this.