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Weak Willed and Weary

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Event_Horizon, Jan 31, 2011.

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  1. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    Well here I am again writing here on this site, which is rarely a good sign. This post is more of a suicidal rant. A release of pent up feeling and frustration. What is clear to me is I have no answers it just seems like history is repeating its self yet again.

    One thing I can say categorically is that Bipolar has ruined my life over and over again. I do not know how to live with this affliction. I can not make peace with it, I can find no common ground with it. The best I can do is accept it looming there and keep taking my medication. Which some times seems like an effort in futility in of it self.

    The holy grail of lasting stability eludes me, the medications I have been on have at times worked a while and I have built a life for myself in those times. Pursued my goals and tried to make up for all that lost time in a depressive states. But the precursor to ruin is always the same, its either a sudden hate of being medicated, realising I am going through the motions of normality. That inside regardless I am creatively dead. That my existence is some how muted, bereft of pangs of joy or justified sorrow. So I go off my meds just to feel something again, to lift me out of the tired foggy feeling and find my creative energy once more. I have full insight as to what will occur. Over the years I have realised it is just not worth it in the end. Not for my sake but due to the stupid things I do. The upset I cause those around me.

    But even if I commit to staying medicated there comes a time that it starts to wear out, the process of even finding the right combination in the first place having taken years. I build a tolerance, the dose is increased, until it becomes clear I can gain no further benefit and the side effects are just not worth it. Then it is back to being a human guinea pig trying this and that and suffering through the process.

    I am not sure if I am in hell sometimes, as this seems to occur at the worst possible time. When I am at the hight of a loving relationship, or striving for my degree. When I am surrounded by a circle of close friends. Or have finally found some direction in my life.

    Then the depression returns, with it my bitterness and frustration resurface. All I have worked hard at is left in tatters. As it all just slides away, I get behind. I become unpleasant to be around I start to feel I am toxic to others and ruminate on this next assortment of failures. I sabotage those around me who care driving them away. I am aware I am doing it and inwardly am screaming at myself to stop, what the hell are you doing? But its like having a war with myself I both try to cling onto what I have and destroy it at the same time. I ask for help, but also reject that help as I wrestle with my inner dialogue. Suicidal ideation claws at me while I also fight to keep my resolve and remind myself this will pass. But with each subsequent return to this state I feel I get weaker. My piled up failures to achieve anything of worth grow and become fodder for my critical mind to bury me under. Soon I am spiralling down towards a conclusion I can not argue with.

    I am aware that this will pass in time, that things will get better. But that is of little comfort. Simply because I know at some point I will return to this state. What new damage will I have caused? I would like to be optimistic that I will have lasting stability, but time and experience tells me otherwise.

    I have had a multiple of hospitalisations now. Each has robbed me of my dignity and my faith in any kind of help. I would even consider what passes for help here to be laughable. I am tired of being patronised and medicated into submission. Of pointless groups that cannot see that what they are peddling is full of logical fallacies. Its the equivalent of telling some one who is brain damaged to stop being brain damaged a moment so they can better learn to cope with being brain damaged. I am sick of the platitudes, callousness and blatant absurdity of this so called system. No I don't want to colour in like a four year old or do flower arranging!

    I am tired of people caring about me. When I am ill it is so painful to see the look of helpless concern. It is agonising to see my father fighting to get me help, when inwardly I know it will achieve little other than to soothe his immediate fears. Some times by this point it is too late and with a ferocity that disgusts me I turn on him. How dare he force me to continue existing like this! I try to turn his love to hate, but it always fails and I am then left with the guilt of what I have put him through yet again. I am terrible son, I forget his birthday and cause him undue stress when I cant even be bothered to answer the phone.
    I have agonised over talking to him. Telling him to just let me go, I want some peace I dont want to try any more. Its just too painful. I want to some how express this level of suffering. Make him understand why it is better this way.

    Its a nice idea to think I am not a burden, but I have been to mental health carers forums and they all say the same thing, how tiring it is. How little help or respite there is. How it is hard to see their loved ones endure day after day. When some one dies they usually make reference to them being at peace now. That they are not suffering any longer.

    I have just hit the point where I am asking for help and rejecting it at the same time as what is the point any way? If history is anything to go by I may as well just laugh hysterically for all the good it will do. I do not want a life of transitory wellness, of just coping and living day by day. It is frankly just not good enough. The longer I live the more damage I do. Be it to former friends or loved ones. I just don't want to do this any more.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey, sorry that things are so bad

    I don't really know what to say, maybe you don't even want anyone to say anything
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i can really relate to what you wrote, especially about the hospitalizations, i'm bipolar too and have been in and out of the hospital over the years. i hate the feeling of being warehoused, like a dusty piece of furniture, waiting for the new meds to kick in. the doctors have very little to offer except meds and the threat of restraints....

    what keeps me going is that in between the bad times are always some good times. i just don't remember them when i'm feeling low. that's why my friends are instructed to remind me. maybe you've had some good times, too.

    i also have a very good therapist. i see her twice a week and we are resolving the stuff that makes me so depressed in the first place (it's more than being bipolar). perhaps there are underlying issues you need to work on. just wondering.

    thanks for posting. glad i'm not the only one who hates being bipolar.
  4. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    Yeah being warehoused is not a pleasant experience. Hence why I have not bothered to express the true extent of my feelings. Maybe I have forgotten the good times its hard to feel that way when I feel like this. I feel like I cant win, that I am treading water and I dont even know why. I have seen this illness kill one of my friends and the other just holds on for the sake of his kids. I have no kids and no real responsibility. My former relationship has fallen to ruin, so much so she has moved away. I just dont know what to do any more. I dont know how people can experience this over a span of years and just keep going. My mind boggles at the horror of the weight of years to come. Being no stranger to hospital I see the revolving door scenario. Same face and people in and out, is that my future? I am just so utterly weary right now.
  5. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    ......... Sigh
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sounds like there is something more you would like to say. why not tell us?

    there could be some therapies that you haven't tried that might be worthwhile.
  7. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    Back at that same state again, just with new messes to clean up an a feeling of having nowhere left to go. I am so very tired of this merry go round of ups and downs. But the middle medicated ground is not good enough either.
  8. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    Too funny, I could rewrite the above and it still be accurate. Back into the pit again it seems. Endless seeming merry go round.
  9. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    Wow. That is exactly the point I am at right now. I can't offer any advice, but will say that I am here to listen whenever you want to talk. I am so sorry that this is an ongoing thing for you, but you are safe to get everything out here. You can PM me any time if you want.
  10. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    All things are cyclical. Why should misery be any different?
  11. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    Cycles can be broken. Some we don't want to but misery and suffering are ones we need to break and not let continue.
  12. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    The merry go round continues just with new meds. All they seem to do is make me sleepy and have vivid dreams. My frustration is immense added to that I have lost my psychiatrist. Sure I never really liked her but after ten years I could respect her. My financial stability is now also at stake. I want off this merry go round so badly. Sick of hollow pretence.
  13. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think that they sometimes use ect for bipolar. would that be an option? some of the stuff in my treatment thread might help.

    do you want to say what is going on with your financial stability?
  14. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    I came close to having ECT when I was hospitalised but after reading extensively about it I have been put off. At the time I point blank refused, the prospect was scary. It does not matter how much more humane it has become, it still is triggering a seizure. My memory is already quite bad as is. So further damaging it does not seem all that wise.

    As for finances I am on welfare that is under threat. I can barely make ends meet now with electric and food prices having gone up so much. I have lost all confidence in being gainfully employed. I can't compete with my record of a string of firings and long bouts of being out of work. I don't know what to do. Suicidal thinking is very strong. As I do not know how to cope yet I continue on regardless. It has all grown so stale even friends and family mean so little. Part of me wants to go into hermit mode and just allow self destruction. Seems so much better than constantly struggling against myself and the world I inhabit.
  15. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    do you mean that you are getting a disability check? why is your check under threat?

    I think with disability, you can work a certain amount per month without losing your benefits. It might be best not to try to work full time so that you don't risk losing benefits

    I think that many states have an office of employment, or something by a similar title. They may have some free counseling available. You could also try a temp agency.

    If you can't find a job, you might want to try volunteering or an internship. While unpaid, these often lead to employment.
  16. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    I am going to see an employment specialist see what my options are. I am certainly worried about my finances. Recently the amount I receive has gone down significantly. Food has also gone up as have utilities. Not much I can do about it but cut back on things. The thing is I am unemployable. I can not possibly compete against the mentally fit. I have a string of firings and work absences Things for me fluctuate even when medicated. Concentration is the worst issue. Sometimes I am very sharp and focused and other times it's like thinking through a fog. The outlook just seems grim.
  17. bearclaw27

    bearclaw27 Member

    Weak-willed you are most definitely NOT.... Sometimes just surviviing is an act of will and faith.... you have demonstrated the will to survive as well as anyone I have ever known...you are a soldier, and, I am completely certain that the universe is well aware of the courage you have displayed....

    I stand with you, now and forever, no matter what decisions you make....'Trust'. was the title of your email to me, and as I said to you last week, I would NEVER give anyone your information, not for ANY REASON at all.... you have my word on that...!!!

    peace, and kia kaha..

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