Weird dream [TW CSA mention]

[Carrot_cakee]

Sorry if it triggered anyone i’m still not sure where to post. I just have intrusive thoughts nothing bad has happened to me. Yesterday i think i was mostly fine. I saw an instagram video of some guy talking about how we should still discuss important topics even if they grossed us out, his main example being the pedofilia due to the epstein stuff. I agreed with him and even though i did have a very visceral reaction to it at first i looked at the comments and people were discussing the lolita book and how the author himself was a victim ect. I was fine afterwards and had no trouble the entire day until night. I couldn’t fall asleep for about and hour and i was tossing and turning the whole night so i listened to a song. It helps sometimes. When i was done i looked at the videos that showed up underneath the song was a video titled “sexual abuse: my story” and then i was immediately startled and turned off my phone. The girl on the thumbnail looked like she could be my age. I was trying to distract myself by thinking about other things but it didn’t work so then i tried deep breaths but after about a minute i couldn’t keep it up and just panicked again. I didn’t cry but i kept getting close to it. I wanted to use a meditation timer video thing but i didn’t want to go back on my phone again. I fell asleep eventually somehow but i had a really weird dream where i was talking to an older dude, probably about 40. I wasn’t myself i was a teenage guy & the main character in some movie. I can’t explain the feeling it was very weird. He was confessing about abusing some young girl, explaining it all and for some reason it felt like a plot twist villain scene in a movie. When i woke up i felt gross. I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s not as bad as it was before but it’s never going away. I don’t know how i’m meant tell anyone or go about this at all. I can’t even avoid the topic. I’ve tried to avoid for weeks on end now and i’ve figured it’s impossible. It’s everywhere. I see the topic mentioned in videos pretty much everyday. Trying to avoid it is like trying to avoid air at this point. If my only solution is to delete all social media and entertainment then i can’t do much to avoid it. If the one time i engage with the topic it appears in my dream then i don’t know what to do. Even the words “sa” are often enough to make me panic which is why i wasn’t sure whether to post in this thread because i don’t know if others could have a similar reaction. The feeling in my body has changed. It’s less severe now and it’s changed places but it still feels bad. I don’t want to explain further. I just want it to stop but i know it’s going to get worse again because i’m not doing a good job at helping myself.