well...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ZombiePringle, Oct 13, 2009.

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  1. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    There for a little while I actually had been feeling really good. I still feel okay but I can actually feel my mood doing a turn around and heading back to where I was not too long. I'm sure many of you know the kind of shape I was in. I'm starting to get back into the anxiety issues I had before. Except now it seems I have new things that trigger my anxiety that I didn't have before such as just being in the kitchen doing something when there is somebody else in there, one example of this is yesterday... I was extremely tired and had a bowl from my cereal I had just had...My fiance's grandpa was sitting in the kitchen and I couldn't bring myself to go in there to wash the bowl. I ended up staying awake for an extra 2 hours because of this.

    I just want to turn this back around for myself but I honestly don't see that happening. I know in a matter of time I will be back to not wanting to be around. I really wish there was something I could do but I don't think there is. And I know if I get back to where I was before I won't have the energy to fight it off this time around. Everytime my depression and suicidalness comes back its always worse than it was before.
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I can now see when another depression spell is coming my way. Time to get extra rest and not take on new responsibility and if you can let go of some responsibility for awhile.

    Have you seen your doctor recently? It would be a good idea to go and see if you need a med change.

    :hug:
     
  3. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I have an appointment soon to see the doctor. As for the responsibilities... there is none I can give up really.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are seeing your doctor hopefully doc can help you stop the spiral downward with maybe changing your meds a bit increasing dosage or adding new one with it. Let us know how you do.
     
  5. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I don't know. I think I'm just going to accept it. Might even cancel my appointment. Doctors haven't really helped in the past. I don't think they would now either. It really hit hard before I went to sleep a few hours ago. I started making out plans and dates in my head. I mean... Why me? I'm even crying for the first time in a couple months. I'm just too weak to not be like this I guess.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you cried as it helps lessen the pain inside. Please goto you appt tommorrow and talk with doctor Let know how your truly feeling. I have appt with my doc tommorrow to I let you know how it goes okay You let me know how yours went. Hang in there
     
  7. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    well I don't have my appointment tomorrow. its a while from now.
     
  8. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I too, can spot the depression coming back these days, and im going through one of those periods right now. Im a bit confused though; Im not sure if its genuine depression or simple laziness. I have a remarkable ability to fill in countless hours by doing absolutely stuff all, well and truly beyond the abilities of the casual slacker.

    I cant shirk the limited responsibilities I currently have. I just need to get through it somehow till the middle of November. Im by myself right now, and spending far too much time thinking about life, when I should be working. If one particular aspect of my life lived up to my expectations, I know things would be a lot better, and Im trying as much as possible to make it so, because I know if it fails, Im going to find it incredibly hard to cope with.

    I loath these cycles of depression. It seems a lot worse when im by myself these days, and unfortunately thats still a great deal of the time. It just interferes with my life far too much. I give it far too much power to control my day to day living. It really pisses me off.
     
  9. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Its the same with me. When I'm hit with my depression it controls every aspect of my life. I get so tired of fighting it. I don't want to fight it anymore. I want to just give in and let it take me over. Would be so much easier. I don't have the energy anymore to deal with it. I thought I was doing so good too. I thought I had it beat. I'm just going to give in.
     
  10. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I wish I could give in to it, but my parents, after a long period of writing me off, are actually reasonably happy with my progress of late. They would be disappointed if I let myself go again. Plus, for some bizarre reason, I always have these little bits of hope that tend to linger on inside me. There is something that stops me from giving in to it. Im glad its there, I just wish it was strong enough to completely wipe out the depression for good...but it clearly isnt. After years and years, thats just self evident.

    I need to get help again. I know that, and I need to make working with that person/group, the highest priority, otherwise I will just continue on this cycle and everything will be 10 times harder than it needs to be, and I wont be doing it as well as I could be either.

    Perhaps your at that point. Perhaps you need to put aside everything as much as you can and just focus on beating this thing once and for all.
     
  11. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I think might even be past that point. I was doing so incredibly good. Now all I can think is "why me? Do I really deserve all this?" I try so hard to be a good person. Everybody depends on me to help them.... I'm the only one that works so I end up paying for everything with my daughter and fiance, At my job the other shift spends so much time just trying to find stuff wrong that we did on our shift that they end up not doing their jobs and me and the other supervisor have to pick up the slack. Yet if we leave something on accident we're the worst people in the freaking world. I don't want this anymore. My fiance's family is constantly dragging me down (her dad and grandpa tell me I'm lazy even though I bust my butt at work all freaking week to support my fiance and kid, And her mom's side of the family acts like I'm some horrible person because I don't share the same beliefs as them) its just so much...
     
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