It has been about two months since I last posted. So much has happened; but the short version is: I have been diagnosed with severe peripheral artery disease and have had emergency surgery to clear an arterial blockage. That arterial blockage affected blood flow to my right foot enough that my toes turned purple and blue (depending on the toe). I got an infection in my big toe, then gangrene set in. I've been hospitalized for three days (several weeks ago now) so that I was on 24-hour antibiotics and 24-hour blood thinners (and also a lot of heavy-duty pain killers).
I have a wound that won't heal on my big toe and have lost a big chunk of tissue at the end of it. It's supposed to eventually heal, but the dead and gone tissue is never coming back. I lost my right big toe nail as well. Quite literally, the last six weeks have been spent doing everything to avoid amputation of any toe, but especially the right big toe. So far, my body is winning the battle; even if I have lost some tissue and still have a lot of healing to do.
Suicidal thoughts. I think about death constantly because this is a "death sentence" meaning this is what will bring my death within a few years. I am at severe risk of a heart attack, stroke, or sudden death. I am doing everything I am supposed to at least stop the disease progression; it CAN BE reversed, but that takes over a year. And, yet, I can say since all of this happened, I do not have any active thoughts of taking my own Life prematurely. I'm not suddenly struck with "the glory of living"; rather, it is a solid realization that I have a date with Death at some point in the not too distant future, and I am very comfortable with that realization.
I like it that I have lots of time to take care of things. I am also acutely aware every day that I am living on borrowed time and each day could be my last. That knowledge really takes a lot of bullshit out of life's equation. It is somehow easier to live.
Anyway, this is my first post in a long while. I found this board late last year and it was a real lifesaver for me then. My health issues have kept me away. I'm still on the mend and will be for a long time, but I'm going to try and post more frequently.
Please take good care of yourself.
RAGE
I have a wound that won't heal on my big toe and have lost a big chunk of tissue at the end of it. It's supposed to eventually heal, but the dead and gone tissue is never coming back. I lost my right big toe nail as well. Quite literally, the last six weeks have been spent doing everything to avoid amputation of any toe, but especially the right big toe. So far, my body is winning the battle; even if I have lost some tissue and still have a lot of healing to do.
Suicidal thoughts. I think about death constantly because this is a "death sentence" meaning this is what will bring my death within a few years. I am at severe risk of a heart attack, stroke, or sudden death. I am doing everything I am supposed to at least stop the disease progression; it CAN BE reversed, but that takes over a year. And, yet, I can say since all of this happened, I do not have any active thoughts of taking my own Life prematurely. I'm not suddenly struck with "the glory of living"; rather, it is a solid realization that I have a date with Death at some point in the not too distant future, and I am very comfortable with that realization.
I like it that I have lots of time to take care of things. I am also acutely aware every day that I am living on borrowed time and each day could be my last. That knowledge really takes a lot of bullshit out of life's equation. It is somehow easier to live.
Anyway, this is my first post in a long while. I found this board late last year and it was a real lifesaver for me then. My health issues have kept me away. I'm still on the mend and will be for a long time, but I'm going to try and post more frequently.
Please take good care of yourself.
RAGE
s.