Bear with my on this, It's more winded then it needs to be, sorry. Well I've come to the conclusion. I'm going to die without medication. Plain and Simple. I've always hated the idea of it; when I was younger around 10, my parents tried to shove these pills down my throat, I wouldn't have any of it. I'd flush 'em and toss 'em. Being the head strong moron I was, I didn't want to even consider the fact I needed them. When I was 18, I finally broke down and asked my parents to find me a therapist. Very first session, I split my guts to the guy. The fact that I'm gay, my insecurities, my suicidal thoughts, and just about every bad thing I've ever done. He wanted to put me on meds, and he even called a doctor to have them prescribed to me. (Who I never ended up seeing) But the thing that turned me off was the fact that he kept trying to convince me that I should be institutionalized. (And that I was a transsexual. . .Nope, just gay bud...) It seemed at one point he was nearly threatening me talking about how hes had to call the cops on some of his other patients who refused to heed his advice. So the whole experience turned me off therapy. It screwed me up more then it helped. Anyways, a big part of me not wanting to take medication is because I've always wanted to be in law enforcement. Even took subjects in it in college to help get me started. Now what chief is gonna want a manic depressive who's taking medication on their roster? Oh well, fuck it, better stuck doing something I hate (HATE) then dead right? (maybe not) So my question is: How do I get started? I don't really have a doctor to go to, how do I find one? What can I tell them without getting myself institutionalized and still get the help I need? How am I going to pay for it? I don't have insurance.