What happens next?

[kelly11]

I recently had a 'break down' and started to see a therapist. I was just told I have PTSD, health anxiety and depression. This all sparked off when my dad died last year. I'm normally a person who bottles everything up and burys any emotion (paticularly the bad ones!) but after trying to access the memories of the good times spent with my dad I opened a real can of worms in my head, as everything bad that ever happened that I buried had well and truly resurfaced.

I'm trying to deal with memories/flashbacks of child abuse, have just been diagnosed with a heart condition related to sudden death syndrome, (my dad died suddenly from a heart attack!), Waiting for surgery to fix my knee also!

In all, i'm a total wreck. I have irrational fears. Im checking under my bed before I go to sleep and even then I have insomnia due to the nightmares. I cant stop thinking of suicide and revenge on the people who are responisible for doing them things to me for 3 years of my life. I never told anybody and i'm left to suffer while they get off scott free?

My GP refered me to see a psychiatrist and only gave me Xnax but no antidepressants. I'm literally like a ticking time bomb with my nerves, Im hypervigillant and im feeling like i'm starting to lose it altogether.

I'm normally on top of things and successful, outgoing and have LOTS of friends, but now I've had to take a year off college for the above medical reasons.

I've stopped talking to my family and all but one of my friends. She's depressed and I cant off load my problems on her. Anyway i'm not one for really talking which is why i'm in this state now. I have no less than 4 appointments this week for my heart and head. I feel like such a weakling and like my independance is gone.

I'm only 25 I cant bare to be like this.

 

[Sadeyes]

It is so usual that the death of someone is both overwhelming and can stir up so many things. PTSD is a reaction to severe pain, and it is understandable that you do not feel 'like yourself'...please talk about how you are feeling...there are times when one needs the help of others to get through a situation...see who you can trust with how you are feeling, and tell him/her..it will allow you to not have to bottle up that much discomfort and please continue to post and let us know what is going on

 

[kelly11]

I don't know i'f I can tell who the person was to anybody. I will literally kill myself straight away without a shadow of a doubt if it ever got out as I am utterly ashamed with the abuse because it was by somebody I know, well the repeated abuse was. However there wasn another time I was abused by a stranger when I was 12 in a flat. I know the general area that the flat is in and i remember his friends call him by his name.

I have the most extreme thoughts going throught my mind on finding him and getting revenge. I feel like I have nothing else to lose as it has already all been taken.

Im even more confused as I see the main abuser quiet often but am emotionally numb to him. I dont feel hatred, more like a sense of guilt and shame and regret that I didn't react different.

Do you know what happens when you go to a psychiastrist? Im getting so paranoid that I'm going to be taken to hospital! I don't want to tell them about how I think about suicide.

I don't think I want to die but Im afraid of what I'm capable of. Last week I had XXXXXX and It felt like nothing was wrong with the notion of death.

 

[Sadeyes]

Being abused is not the victim's shame, it is the perp's...when one is abused, it is so devastating...I know this first hand and it took me many years to understand that I was the victim, did not ask to be injured,and did nothing wrong...I know it is difficult, but it is so important to understand that...we shift the blame to ourselves because this is what we know...but this is not how it should be...you were asaulted...you did nothing wrong and he is to blame...we also are numb when the emotional overload is too much for us to deal with...for many years, I felt only love for my abuser, because this was all I could deal with...then an undying desire for revenge, which finally turned to sadness and years after, forgiveness...please consider speaking to someone who can help as you do not deserve to revictimize yourself

 

[Isabel]

Hi Kelly,

In order to receive the best support possible you have to be honest with your psychiatrist. It the safest place to start opening up on your issues. I also hope sharing here is helping you to an extent. Many here can relate to all those mixed feelings coming from being a victim of abuse. I wish you better days.