What my life has become

[Hae-Gi]

I hate what my life has become. True love was really just fake. Then the other girl who I thought maybe might be my real true love now has told me that I depress her. I'm sure she won't even want to stay friends considering that she recently basically hasn't replied to a single one of what I would say were non-depressive e-mails. I've decided to just stop e-mailing her.

Nothing at all enjoys me, anymore. I have recently discovered that I have awesome photographic talent and I have decided to enter a contest, but if I get in first place and get a wealth of equipment, what will I feel? Nothing. So I would get some expensive stuff - wow. And I don't give a fuck what some judges think - their opinions don't mean a single thing to me. The only way their opinions would matter is the fact that the stupid fucks out there care what they say, so if I'd win, I could get a job as a "professional" photographer. And what would happen if I would become a "professional" photographer, then? At best, I'd become a little bit famous and get a decent amount of money. Gee, how nice. :rolleyes: As if that'd make me happier. Honestly, even if I'd win the 170 million plus Swedish kronor in the lottery, I wouldn't even flinch when I discovered it. All I would feel would be "oh".

I have become nothing but a shell. A shell with impossible dreams and without a single friend in the world.

I miss the days when my mind was so uncomplicated and I just waited for some new Nintendo 64 game... or when ordering and then waiting for the complete version of Heretic for PC felt like the most exciting thing ever. And how I enjoyed that game. It wasn't really even that good...

 

[Chargette]

What has complicated your mind?

:hug:

 

[Hae-Gi]

Too much knowledge.

Too much wisdom.

The realization that true love is the only thing that matters in life.

My obsession with beauty.

My yearning of an idealistic life together with my true love that I never seem to find.

My hatred towards so many things.

My inability to be friends with people if they disagree with me about relevant things.

My obsession with avoiding filth despite that it doesn't even matter.

My severe loathing of bugs that prevents me to go outside in the summers (not that I'd usually want to, anyway).

The list goes on....

 

[Chargette]

Perhaps you can take a break from the complications by giving something small to others without expecting anything in return? Send someone a card, let someone go in front of you in line, and small stuff like that.

This can give you a positive to carry within you.

:hug:

 

[Hae-Gi]

I already do things like that since I can't even remember when. I don't send people cards and I never would but I sometimes do let people go before me in line and when I enter somewhere, and someone else is about to enter or exit, I usually hold the door for them. It doesn't give me anything, though... I just do it because it's polite... sometimes with a faint smile if they smile first. As much of an ass that I can be, there is no reason to be impolite to random people that I know nothing about.

 

[Chargette]

Perhaps something bigger then. How about volunteering at a local homeless shelter. Serve food, help people with their wash and such. This kind of stuff definitely changes the perspective and may allow you to let go of some of your mind complications.

 

[Hae-Gi]

I know it was a generalized suggestion but I don't think there are any homeless people where I live. And I honestly wouldn't want to. It'd be filthy which is a major problem to me - merely leaving the house is difficult enough - and I'd have to be around people that I, as usual, most probably wouldn't like if I knew them better. Being around people that I would know I liked would already be a bit too much - I may seem really social, at times, but deep down I hate it. And again, I just wouldn't want to.... it'd also not make me feel any different.... I can't really feel about those sorts of things.

Thanks for your suggestions, though...

 

[Hae-Gi]

If there isn't a drastic change in my life, soon, I'm going to kill myself. I can't do this, anymore.

I don't even have a single friend. Just by myself.....

 

[total eclipse]

I think you photography skills could get you involved with new people. Maybe meet up with someone the same interest as you. Take a college course that interest you so you can get out and make new friends meet a potential partner.
Maybe anger coucilling as well you sound so angry and hurt. Reach out to a coucillor or a therapist you need help to sort through all these emotions professional help. The right person is out there but you need to go out and find them by involving yourself in your interest to meet others with the same interest.

 

[I need help]

Like Violet said ,going places..like if you do get to be a professional photographer,you'd meet new people.and you might meet someone you might be interested in..and who might be interested in you! you can find true love!!
I know true love is SO important...I feel the same way.
Life is worthless without love.in my opinion...but love CAN come to us.we can meet our true love.we simply must look in order to find it!