What prevents me to call prevention lines

[ridefar]

At the point that you think about calling prevention lines I usually am far enough gone. The main thoughts for me are continuously I want it all to end. I don't want anyone I know to know, and I certainly don't want anyone to talk me out of it.

I'll probably not push through for a couple of times, like the way it failed today. I still want it to end. I don't feel more low, the situation hasn't changed. Just no motivation to try again right now

 

[Dante]

When I first tried to reach out it took a few times until I simply took the decision out of my hands, I flipped a coin, Heads I dont call them, Tails I do, I got tails. Having something else decide for me seemed to help. I wont suggest leaving your fate up to a coin toss like me, but if you can find some more sure-fire way, like telling 1 person and having them make you get support? It can help.

If it helps at all. I am telling you to call and follow through. Do it today.

 

[SamB]

I’m glad that you have reached out on here. I hope that might be because there is at least some part of you that doesn’t want to die.

I can tell that you are in a bad place and I really wish there was something that I could do to help you. If you could tell us more about what is going on for you then maybe we could help but even if we can’t help I would still like to hear your story and try to understand what is going on for you. Whatever you decide to do, and it is your decision ultimately, I think someone should know the reason.

 

[ridefar]

I’m glad that you have reached out on here. I hope that might be because there is at least some part of you that doesn’t want to die.
I can tell that you are in a bad place and I really wish there was something that I could do to help you. If you could tell us more about what is going on for you then maybe we could help but even if we can’t help I would still like to hear your story and try to understand what is going on for you. Whatever you decide to do, and it is your decision ultimately, I think someone should know the reason.

A lot is going on. I don't know very well where to start. In the past days I've been very anxious and somber. My thoughts are not good, I feel like my life is doomed. There is only a road ahead of pain. I feel alone, unwanted, rejected. The pain is constantly there, and I fear it only gets worse. My thoughts are about death a lot, but ending it will be terribly difficult. A lot of things that are in the past have lead up to this point. The last thing that triggered this depression was becoming ill, and not being able to do sports. before that I was already suffering but balancing it out with the endorphins of riding my bike. It had gotten very hard to enjoy it as the levels of endorphins had to be higher and higher every time. As I was used to doing 12 hours training in the week with goals that would have me ride 6 yo 8 hours on a day. This not being part of my life right now gets me more depressed as I've ever been.

 

[SamB]

Exercise can be therapeutic and it’s upsetting when that gets taken away. Is your illness only temporary so that you can resume your exercise routine again?
Do you feel like you could tell us about some of the things in your past that have lead you to where you are now?

 

[ridefar]

Exercise can be therapeutic and it’s upsetting when that gets taken away. Is your illness only temporary so that you can resume your exercise routine again? Do you feel like you could tell us about some of the things in your past that have lead you to where you are now?

The illness has been here for the past months, I'm not sure if I will heal. I would hope for it. My depression is getting in the way of hoping. The thought that has been stuck on my mind is that hope is like gambling with your luck. I don't know if that actually makes sense, but that's how it feels. I'm in a dark place, and it seems like all hope is lost.

I find it difficult to talk about the past, as I want to explain it with all the context that's there to it. I have to be ready to explain it. I think I need more time and more energy to express it in the way I feel like I did it in the right way.

 

[SamB]

That’s OK, I hope you will feel ready to tell us more at some point. Perhaps you can start writing it down somewhere outside of the forum so you can build it up over time. Even if you don’t then share it with us it can help you to understand it yourself.

I hope your illness gets better and that you can find a way to deal with everything.