First of all, I don't have an eating disorder, so perhaps this isn't the best place to be posting, but I think only people with eating disorders would get it, so... here I am. For the past 18-19 years I've restricted, off and on. Mostly off, with only brief periods of decent weight loss. I've read about eating disorders and watched movies & videos... I know enough to know I don't have one. I thought maybe I was EDNOS for a while, but after posting on another forum, a girl called me out on it and pointed out that because I said this-or-that, I really wasn't... and I could see she was right. That was a few years ago and since then I've accepted that I simply mimic some of the behaviors when feeling stressed or depressed. It's a coping mechanism. I've never been hardcore for long enough that anything ~bad~ happens, physically. This time around it's been 7.5 months. I've read about electrolyte imbalances, and how the body starts eating itself for fuel... and I think, okay, well, if that's happening to me, I can't even tell, so who cares. I've had some constipation and diarrhea, nothing majorly annoying. I drink a little extra water so as not to get muscle cramps. I still get my period though I wouldn't care if I don't, I'm nearly too old to have kids and that's just... not happening anyway (kinda one reason I'm depressed). I'm still 7 pounds shy of my goal weight, which I've been at before (as an adult, though many years ago) with no repercussions, so it seems like that should be a safe enough weight. There are certainly people skinnier than me out there who aren't dropping dead. Not to mention people with actual eating disorders who aren't! I don't really know what I want to happen. Since I started having suicidal thoughts, I thought I needed to reach some kind of bottom to turn things around with my depression and maybe start to get better... or to not. Life or death. (I tend to see things very black & white... and yes I want to control what the bottom is if I can) For a while I wanted to get a gun, just to feel what it's like to have such power in my hands...maybe that would be some kind of cathartic moment. I still want that but I'm unable to get one for the time being. So, I guess I'm thinking maybe my bottom could have something to do with losing weight. I have all these rules that are supposed to help me cope with things, make me obsessed with food and with being in control, but they're not working as well this time, and sometimes I just get so fed up I think I want to be done with it. I'm tired. And yet... I don't want to give it up. Not if I get nothing in return. Not if it doesn't all MEAN something. And certainly not if I haven't even reached my goal! I'm in therapy for depression, and I've talked about my behaviors a little bit with the therapist but I downplay things because I don't feel ready to give it up and I'm afraid she'll somehow "make" me. She's noticed I've lost some weight, though. Really the weight comes off pretty slowly -- it's like 3 steps forward and 2 back -- so it's not a huge noticeable difference unless someone hasn't seen me in a while. I've gotten dizzy many times today, like 5 or 6... once it felt like I was about to pass out, like I'd started to but then woke up instantly or something. I had a meal Friday night and had only nibbled since then, until tonight, when I had pizza -- and it even happened after I ate! I wonder what's going on. I'm also on meds that can cause dizziness but this is more than usual. If you're curious... I'm 5'7" and 107 pounds, my goal is 100. The highest weight I've ever been was 145, about 2 years ago. I lost 20 pounds without even TRYING over a few months after going through some stress at work and by the end of 2011 I was 125. That's the weight I was at in July when I got depressed and had to start the weird eating thing again. I go walking most nights but for less than an hour, and I go hiking sometimes...never been obsessive about exercising. My question for you guys... those of you who have had health problems or just bad things happen to you as a result of bizarre eating... what can happen, really? Am I destined to pass out at work and alarm my poor coworkers? (I'd be fine passing out if I'm home alone, I don't want to worry or burden anyone) Or - worse! - could I completely lose control of my faculties and have an embarrassing accident at work? Does it just stop at dizziness usually? I'm not supposed to eat again 'til Friday but I don't know if I'll be able to do it :\ If I could just drop dead, that would be fine, I think that's part of the reason I do it... it's the other less-than-death maladies that worry me. And by the way, I consume calories every day, so when I say I'm not eating, I'm not TOTALLY starving. I just have like coffee and milk...sometimes coffee drinks with extra calories. And water for my kidneys. Please feel free to share your experiences, even if they're a bit off topic... I'd rather hear from real people than read textbook websites listing worst-case scenarios. Thanks if you read through all that!