Empathy and Advice Welcomed What should I do?

[Evael]

I've already spoken a little about my predicament elsewhere so I'll try to keep this concise.

I met a cashier at a store a few months ago, I felt like we had a lot in common and I really liked her. I attempted to see her again in order to see if she liked me and I was going to give her my contact information if she was open to being friends. I'm a man and I'm definitely attracted to her but, obviously, I wanted to be casual until I knew her better, I would have been fine staying friends.

Anyway, since I never got the chance to meet her again in the coming weeks, I left a note behind instead, handing it over to her coworker. The note was amicable, if perhaps slightly intimidating because of my vernacular, although I never got a response. I decided to leave it but I eventually opened up to my social worker and he told me the note might not have reached her in the first place. He told me to buy something random from the store and pretend I didn't recognise her to strike up conversation and test the waters. Advice which, naively, I followed.

I didn't see her again for a while and I decided to give up but I came across her by coincidence the other week when I was picking up a monitor. I was nervous but since I was adamant when it came to ignoring my feelings, I declined to use the opportunity to talk to her again, although I pretended not to recognise her. She seemed amicable and definitely recognised me although nothing in her demeanour suggested she had received the note, so I wondered about going back to see if she had, though I was conflicted and tried to ignore it.

When I told my social worker, he criticised my lack of action, telling me I should have talked to her. Eventually, he got a bit pushy and told me I should go back and talk to her again which, being conflicted already, I decided to follow. I went back to the store twice the following week but it didn't go very well.

The first time, she wasn't there, so I didn't bother picking anything up as it was a tech store and most items were expensive. The second time, she was busy, so I left for a moment and came back when she wasn't. I don't know if it was my nervous behaviour but I know she saw me enter and I saw her walk over to her coworker when she did. I overheard the coworker telling her, verbatim, to go to lunch and not get distracted. I awkwardly left the store but the coworker stopped me on the way out. They made small talk about the bottle I was carrying, I always carry water with me due to a medical condition. They were amicable and I told them, unprompted, that I was looking for a stylus but couldn't find one, then I left.

I was quite annoyed with my social worker so I brought up the encounter when I met him again. He told me I probably had nothing to do with it and it was most likely an unrelated incident whereas I was stopped because I was suspected of being a thief. Nonetheless, he changed his tune, telling me to not approach her anymore. He also insisted I didn't apologise even though I wanted to. Given his prior advice suited me poorly, I felt hesitant to follow it and resigned myself to apologise, regardless, if I got the chance. He also told me the ball was in her court and it was up to her to make a move but I don't understand what he meant by that, given he seemed to think her actions had nothing to do with me.

I visited the store again today to pick up a cable for my PC and both she and the coworker were busy, so I didn't get a chance to apologise or converse with either of them. However, the cable I was looking for wasn't it stock, so I wasn't able to make a purchase. I asked someone else who wasn't busy who guided me to the section but advised me to visit the store opposite when he realised there were none in stock. I checked online, the store opposite doesn't sell them. My only choice now would be Amazon or to return when they're restocked. I checked the website, they restock on Monday. Getting a cable off Amazon would be slightly cheaper although they'll both arrive at roughly the same time.

Which leaves me with a few options. I could buy through Amazon, forgetting about this entirely. I could visit again on Monday and use the chance to have closure on these incidents. I'm leaning towards the latter but I'm not sure if it's a particularly wise decision and if I did, what should I even say if either of them are there? As for the social worker, I'm planning to start distancing myself from him and his advice.

 

[may71]

There are a lot of possibilities. It could be that she liked you but changed her mind. Or maybe she liked you and still likes you.

If you feel like maybe she liked you and still likes you, you could try going again and trying to talk to her. There is a significant risk that she has changed her mind, or in any case doesn't like you, and you may just end up annoying her.

The fact that she's busy or going to lunch while you go there, and that a coworker has suggested that you go to another store is generally not a good sign.

It sounds like if you got a clear "no" from her, you could just stay away from the store, you'd have an answer. The problem for you is not knowing for sure.

I'm by no means an expert on relationship advice, but I'd recommend just going there and seeing you can just say to her directly something like, "I really like you, but I also don't want to annoy you. If you tell me to go away, I will".

You won't necessarily get a positive reaction from her that way, but at least you'd know where you stand.

 

[Evael]

Maybe she changed her mind. I didn't take being told to visit another store as a bad sign until I noticed they didn't stock them there. I've heard it before from cashiers who had no reason to be apprehensive, maybe it's a cultural thing but over here, there's a bit more of a community effort when it comes to recommending stores. For example, Waterstones is a book store, they might recommend other book stores in the area if they don't stock the book you're looking for. I would have expected him to outright tell me they sold out rather than checking stock first if he didn't want me to be there.

Maybe her attitude last time was mere courtesy, I remember she was talkative when we first me and while she seemed to recognise me, I feel like I must be the only one who could still hold onto these feelings after all these months.

Either way, since it looks like I'm going back on Monday, I'd like to apologise and make my intentions clear. It's like you said, not knowing is what's eating away at me. Someone else suggested I clear it up with the coworker so I don't have to approach her directly which is what I think is the best course of action. I don't like making my intentions so obvious but I don't think I can keep coming in and out of the store like my social worker suggested I do, taking any opportunity I can to make small talk, because it's simply not viable and this kind of behaviour would seem suspicious. It's better if I make my intentions clear and now for certain what the result of my actions would be, especially since I now have a reason to clarify the motivation behind my visits.

 

[capitalism]

Bro is your social worker chat gpt in disguise? Giving totally erratic advice and saying about "ball in her court"

I think the only thing you should do about it is forget about this cashier and start going to a different store. It just sounded like a severe case of limerence from the very first words. Your social worker was very dumb to not recognise it and encourage it. The store workers most likely noticed that your behaviour is strange and yeah people can connect the dots and understand why you're doing this. I'm not saying this to shame you, limerence is awful and stems from deep isolation and lack of any joy in life.

But yeah, look at it from the outsider perspective, you're making repeated store trips just waiting for her to show up all the while your entire evidence of compatibility is some small talk. Of course I don't deny that you can sense that you have something in common from brief interaction, I'm not saying ur dumb and it's all in your head, but also this feeling is not proof that you're gonna be fully compatible, or that you will understand each other on the important topics, or even that the other person will want to date you.

 

[Evael]

Yeah, I'm probably thinking too much. I can't really go to a different store though. It's the only good tech store here, so it's important to me they don't think I'm a creep since it would make things a lot harder for me.

 

[Evael]

Update: the cable's not being stocked. I'll have to go through Amazon.