What will I do with the rest of my life?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by someone0629, Jul 1, 2014.

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  1. someone0629

    someone0629 Member

    I'm a loner who's used to restrain myself with my emotions and thoughts. I was raised by a perfectionist, strict mother who I've never experienced being affectionate with and would always compare me with her favorite youngest child. I've sacrificed a lot from school bullying, peer pressure, insecurities, doing things I don't want, lack of parental guidance, parents having marriage issues etc. I managed it all because I'm focused with my dream of being a doctor. I got into a prestigious university and graduated with a premed course. However we had financial issues that my father decided to put his money on his business instead of investing it for my education. Btw, my father never cared about me either. He is the most selfish, two-faced person I hate being associated with. I was really angry and frustrated and that pushed me to prove to my father that I can still do things for myself. I swallowed my pride and set aside all the emotional sacrifices I took. Having a degree in biology landed me a job in the bpo industry. Money was good however I became the topic of every days gossip. It just so happened that the people I worked with were so insecure of my educational background that they question how did I land that job. I never explained myself to anybody or bothered myself minding them because I understand them. I never felt I will last and besides I never felt any fulfillment in doing it. I was able to save and finally decided to go back to school. I took interior designing because it's faster and it will land me a job with my cousin who's an architect. I studied and work at the same time because I was persevered. Inevitably school got demanding that I had to quit my job. The course was rather expensive and I run out of money. I had to turn to my father for financial help but he refused because unfortunately my (other)cousin got somebody impregnated and he decided that he's worth helping than his daughter. Again, very disappointed I quit school and went back to find a job in the same industry I loath being in. After a few years I was able to save again. I am thinking of going back to school but having second thoughts but I'm sure that I was really not happy with the line of job I was doing. I went back to school to finish interior design. But just my luck I found out I was having psychosis/schizophreniaform. The reason I had that was because I have kept all the emotional burdens and depression since I was a child until I got to be the issue at work. Everything piled up. My psychosis led to depression. I took meds and had consultations with a psychiatrist. I no longer want to continue with my consultations because I feel desperate that I have to pay someone to hear my thoughts and frustrations. My parents we're alarmed of what happened but all they can think of is the shame I will bring if people will know. Now I'm stuck. I'm a frustrated doctor and designer who lost confidence in doing anything because I lost my sanity out of too much anger. I am insecure with my youngest sister who has been my parents favorite and never had any sacrifices or grudges in life. I can no longer go out with my friends because I'm also insecure of their success, fulfillment and happiness in life. All I wanted was to be happy with a career I'm passionate of doing but it seems all odds are against me. It's hard that reality don't appreciate once sacrifices but just the end result. What frustrates me more is that all this time I don't have the right to be depress because I also have a blind sister who suffered from depression and I find myself humiliated by the fact that she managed to keep herself ok which is also why I lost sanity. Plus all my burdens, sacrifices, frustrations and insecurities seem shallow when compared to the problem of those who are dying and people who literally don't have anything. I worked hard and sacrificed a lot but in the end I ended up a loser. I think I had enough. However I'm just 28 and I literally don't know what to do with the rest of my life. Don't say that I should be in love and have a family of my own. I'm not physically attractive and in order for me to catch attention I really have to be interesting and go out there, but I lost all confidence when I lost sanity. Who the hell would be in love with someone who lost her mind? So what now?
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. I appreciate the long post and the hardship you have faced in your life. You need to live your life for yourself. Yes families can be hard but do not be hard on yourself. You have achieved a lot in life and you should be proud. Trying to please parents is hard but you need to focus on yourself.

    You will find happiness as it takes time. You found a forum where people will help you and support you. Depression is hard but do need to suffer alone. Keep posting and take care.
     
  3. someone0629

    someone0629 Member

    I've kept on pushing myself because no one else would but now I no longer have any reason to. It's hard once you've lost your passion with life. But I'm finding hope in people like you who understands. Thank you incrisis99.
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, someone0629, I understand and I'm glad you replied. Please keep posting here and we will support you.
     
  5. someone0629

    someone0629 Member

    I feel like a loser every time I go out with friends. I also feel insecure with my youngest sister who has a successful career. I can't confide to my best friend because she too is now a doctor. I feel she's so far from me and that she can now save peoples lives which was something I dreamed of. Imagine the fulfillment she have every time she gets to help people. Think of all the things that she knows and how much respect she can gain because she is a doctor. I want that but I don't have money. I feel worthless that all my sacrifices has gone nothing. Everyday I struggle waking up trying to accept how much of a loser I am. I don't know what will make me happy and I am tired of finding it.
     
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are NOT a loser but just having a bad life experience at the moment. Never give up on life as we all go through tough times and you are not alone. Don't think everybody who has a happy life is smiling. You just need to focus something that will motivate you. You seem a very kind person and just do not worry about yourself. Please keep posting and take care.
     
  7. Concrete_Angel

    Concrete_Angel Forum Buddy

    Hello someone, Id just like to say welcome to the site and I am really sorry for all of your bad things that you have experienced. But we are always here for you :)
     
  8. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I can relate to a lot of what you said. The goal though is to be happy, so never compare yourself to others. It might look like they have it together, but deep inside they might just be as lost as you are. I have a young step sister, she 22, and she's not even blood related to my dad yet she gets all the attention and money, and I get nothing. My dad bought my sis a 800$ tv recently for her first appartment. I have a hard time getting anything out of my dad. I recently asked for him to drive me to the store so I could buy a book case, and he was like, I don't know...not right now etc...he gives her food, and yet I remember starving a lot of the times...and whatever my dad gives me, it always comes up when I'm upset, to make me feel like I'm ungrateful.

    I would say keep up with the therapy, because it's helpfull, and you have at least one person on your side, whom you can tell anything and will give you an honest feedback that isn't tainted by your family.

    I rarely keep in touch with my dad and his wife, step daughter. And that works a lot for me, I don't bathe into that judgemental negative energy they have. Those people are not happy, and I have a feeling your family isn't happy and so they don't want anyone else to succeed. You deserve better.

    Do what makes you happy, I've learned that the hard way...and I'm 31...
     
  9. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Trust me when I tell you that no matter what your education, occupation, income or family background there will always be someone better off. Always. It's better to concentrate on what you have rather than what you haven't got and to try and help others who are worse off.
    The other thing is that none of us knows what anyone else is going through. Drs have one of the highest suicide rates of any profession along with drug and alcohol misuse.
    When you are ill it's very easy to imagine that everyone else is having a better or easier time and some people will be that's true. You are not anyone else though and you can make your life worthwhile once you are more stable.
     
  10. someone0629

    someone0629 Member

    Thanks guys. I've always been thankful for what I have. I normally don't mind about the success of others because I know they've worked hard. It's just unfair that I also worked hard and was even emotionally tortured but nothing happens. I've used to have plans to keep going. I just can't think of something to motivate myself. Sad that no matter what I do, I am always alone. I'm just tired of thinking and pushing myself. Maybe I'll just let things happen.
     
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi someone, I can relate to a lot of what you say apart from sibling stuff cos I never had any, but you have lots of talent there, as well as experience - it's time to relax a little maybe and as you say just let things happen with the pressure off, letting life unfold. Perhaps some mentoring with some diagnostics would help with understanding what you can do with the painful experiences of earlier years, understanding yourself increases self-awareness and consequently awareness of life's other aspects such as what is really worth pursuing :) Best wishes,
     
  12. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    I know that feeling of life being unfair so well. I've had it most of my life! Try and focus on your life rather than what others are doing. Maybe you need a time of just 'letting yourself be'. Driving yourself to keep going is exhausting, I know because I also do it. You really need a break from pursuing goals. If you are able just take each day as it comes and plan something that you enjoy. It doesn't have to be anything major or exciting, just a little thing will do. Take time to look at the world around, watch children playing, the ducks in the park, the clouds in the sky and be kind, especially to yourself.
     
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