I have been fighting MDD and thoughts of suicide for 30 years. I recently had a moment of normal life and one phone call sucked all the energy, optismism out of me. I am spiraling downward so fast that I can't hold on to anything. I keep pulling out a bottle of pills and looking at them, but for some reason I set them down. My life will not change so what is the point of going on like this? I have never lived only survived. I hate how I feel and don't know how to change it. Medication, counceling don't work. I still feel so low. I have no one, no one cares, so why should I? Why do I talk myself out of it?