When bad gets worse...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by dyingtodie, Jan 21, 2009.

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  1. dyingtodie

    dyingtodie Member

    Why does it always seem that when times are tough things always seem to get a little worse?

    So I suffer from seasonal depression and have for several years. Each winter is a battle against myself. I know if I make it though the rest of the year will be better, but... it is so hard.

    So I am struggling through 2nd worst winter in Wisconsin history, insane amounts of snow and bitterly cold temperatures. This is also my first winter as a mother of 2. That should stop me from thinking the things that I think... but it doesn't. That kills me. I love my children more than anything and know that at least my older daughter would be devastated if I "left", but somehow it doesn't stop me from contemplating it. What does that say about me?

    So maybe I won't make my eternal exit, perhaps I could just do a little cutting? No, my husband knows to check for that this time of year... he knows me all to well. The only other way for me to deal is to cuddle up with my good friend Jameson, but that's a whole other can of worms.

    So now I'm stuck here, wherever that may be. Feeling lonely as ever, even though I am surrounded by loving family and friends. Hopeless... I know spring will be back eventually, but will it be soon enough. The light at the end of the tunnel is just never bright enough to give me hope. The hard times are so hard... does it really make the ok times worth it. Knowing that every year I will struggle with this cold weathered demon kills me.

    My thoughts are so random lately... that should be obvious to all that read this. Well, I'm here today... tomorrow?
     
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Are you on any medication in regards to the seasonal depression.
     
  3. dyingtodie

    dyingtodie Member

    Currently... no. The most discouraging part of my situation is that I have at one point or another tried just about every medication around. I have even gone through E.C.T. I've found little relief from any medications or counseling or therapy. I am the only one I have to rely on to get through each miserable winter.
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    In winter, are you more depressed during the night or evening, or during the day.
     
  5. dyingtodie

    dyingtodie Member

    It depends on the day I guess. My current employment situation has a lot to do with the time of day I am more depressed. I am layed off right now, so mornings are pretty depressing to me. When I was working I was definitely more depressed in the late afternoon/evening. I work in the morning so at least I had something else to think about. I feel terrible though because by the time my husband got home from work I was in a truly terrible mood. I think that he thought it had to do with him, but it doesn't. Now that I'm not working I wake up knowing that in a few hours my husband is going to leave and I will be home alone with the kids all day. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death, but being home, stuck in the house all day, is soooooo depressing. I do usually get some manic period during the day where get all of my housework done and play with kids, but for the rest of the day I am so tired and just blah.

    Lately I wouldn't even describe what I feel as "depressed", I just don't feel anything. My emotions are so worn out that there is nothing to feel anymore, the fact that I am completely exhausted most of the day may have something to do with that.

    This morning my husband(with whom I've been with for 7 years) asked if I was ok. I said, "As ok as I can be this time of year." He knows how I get and I know that he is getting scared. He's been with me through some very rough winters, and I know he doesn't want it to be one of those. I love him for caring so much, but sometimes I wish he would just let what is supposed to happen, happen.
     
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Perhaps your husband is worried that if he did let things happen then it would all end badly.

    Why not take your kids out some where when you get depressed at home or if you want some time alone, get a close friend or relative to baby sit whilst you go out.
    Also keeping yourself busy may help reduce your concentration and thoughts on seasonal depression and instead re-inforce them onto what your doing.
     
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