When does a part of you become another identity?

[Cathy]

So lately I've been thinking about my different moods and states of being I guess, and I was writing them down because I wanted to find a pattern or triggers that triggered each "mood". In the beginning I could only think of three states of being, but the more I wrote down, the more I could think of and I ended up with 15 parts of me. I could also keep "remembering" more stuff that fitted with each mood, stuff as function, some moods are just to keep me going in day to day life, others are completely drowning in emotions like depression or hyperactivity. But I could also link music choices, types of clothing and makeup, hobbies, even language, some of them think and write in Dutch others in English to specific "moods". With some moods I also really get the feeling that I'm sort of standing at the sideline while "someone else?" Is making the choices. I especially have this when I'm in a really childish mood and I feel like a mother looking at her playing child. When I'm depressed I want to help that side by thinking positive things, but I can't seem to be able to reach "her". I also have a "mean" side that I don't like that makes mean remarks about people in my head. So that's why I was wondering, when does a side of you become such a seperate piece that it qualifies as an alter. I don't have names for the different pieces, but they can switch really rapidly, sometimes I can feel it coming, and these pieces don't feel like me because I have very little sense of who I am and what I like and what I want, but these pieces seem to have a good sense of what they want to do or accomplish. The problem is that these wishes and expectations are so diverse that I don't know who to listen to anymore and I'm scared to make any decision because one moment it can feel like the best decision ever and the next I don't know what I was thinking when I made that decision.
It's just that I don't really lose time. I do feel like I'm not always in control, but I'm always looking on and sometimes it can be very hard to remember what I did the last day, and it can be vague, but not impossible, so I'm pretty confused by now. Is there anyone who has the same experiences or can shed any light on what is going on or when an alter is an alter and when it is just a piece of you like everyone else has sides to themselves?

 

[DevouredBreed]

Before anything, I'd simply like to ask you if you have been seeing someone professional about this subject ? Because if not, I think it would be a good idea in order to have a professional advice, so, as you are having difficulties with making choices, ask to a trustworthy person to seek somebody you could start a relation with!

Related to my experiences : I was psychotic and I had this kind of experience but only with one "alter", it was more like a dissociation of myself and this "self" became something horrible. I was splited in two : Basically, I was splitting things that I was hating from myself into an "alter" because I didn't wanted to see it as myself.

I didn't did this mecanism by thinking about it, it just came naturally because of what I was living.

When I'm depressed I want to help that side by thinking positive things, but I can't seem to be able to reach "her". I also have a "mean" side that I don't like that makes mean remarks about people in my head. So that's why I was wondering, when does a side of you become such a seperate piece that it qualifies as an alter.

For the depressed side :

The fact that you are uncapable to reach "her", is simply in my opinion because your depression is too overwhelming.
Something too much for you to attenuate only by thinking positive things.
When you feel this side of you more than something else, simply take a good playlist of only one genre of music, do not take too much time to decide, just jump like you would do in a beautiful pool.
Classical music or ambient music can help to be more calm and ready to breath and cry to feel more relieved after.

(for an exemple of Classical artist : Lubomyr Melnyk)
(for an exemple of Ambient music, the album : Aphex Twin - Ambient works vol II)

Look at a funny movie or a funny serie like : Rick & Morty or F.R.I.E.N.D.S or The Big Lebowsky,..

Drink something pleasant, eat something pleasant and don't forget to call friends to hear good things about them and have a little bit of support,...

For the mean side :

Don't forget that this mean side can naturally come from the fact that you hate some parts of yourself. Do not see this mean side as something to hate but more like a "side in pain". This side in pain needs to be healed just like the other sides of yourself.

I used to have racing thoughts and as it is basically thoughts that you cannot have control on, it is horrible. My racing thoughts were what you qualify as the "mean side" because it was simply insults over me.

I worked over my vision of self to be healed from this and I started to see my racing thoughts like a comedy show at the end of it because I just knew that I was completely better from what I was hearing. The process was long for me but it is frankly possible to heal this completely.

"When does it qualifies as an Alter?"

In my opinion and again, I'm not a professional, it can comes when you feel the need to dissociate something that you don't like in yourself, you start to hate it and you don't want it anymore in you so you split it from your big personality forgetting that you're only one.

It can come in the inversed process as well, you love something so much inside you that you start to split it from your big personality and you see it as something wonderful you become to have a name for it and it just become for exemple "Chance, the super-hero". Don't be scared, everything is possible for healing, all the time !

I don't have names for the different pieces, but they can switch really rapidly, sometimes I can feel it coming, and these pieces don't feel like me because I have very little sense of who I am and what I like and what I want, but these pieces seem to have a good sense of what they want to do or accomplish.

The problem is that these wishes and expectations are so diverse that I don't know who to listen to anymore and I'm scared to make any decision because one moment it can feel like the best decision ever and the next I don't know what I was thinking when I made that decision.

Troubles with the sides and decisions

First, to seek names in my opinion is not what you should do : You should probably seek category for those sides just like you described, for exemple "Depression" / "Euphoria" / "Childish" / "Excessive Anger" / "Excessive Obsession",.. It will be more easy for you to understand the way you will feel when it comes.

They have good sense of what they want to do or accomplish because you split them as entities but they are all a part of yourself, meaning that what you want to do when you switch to in side is simply a little thing that you'd like to do. It is a part of who you are.

Now, don't be scared if you have sometimes intentions that seems "mean" to you or "bad". Humans have sometimes desires that can feel weird. You have the control over those intentions, you know exactly with your moral what you should or not do. If you feel like you don't have this control, again, a professional could oriente you into what you should do in order to have control over those things.

When you go into one side and you feel like you appreciate something just write it in a diary by telling the category of the side so you can hear it again when you switch to another side just to see how you feel when you listen to the same song in another side for exemple. That could help you with the dissociation process because you would start to put things together again.

It's just that I don't really lose time. I do feel like I'm not always in control, but I'm always looking on and sometimes it can be very hard to remember what I did the last day, and it can be vague, but not impossible, so I'm pretty confused by now.

For the arduity to remember certain things

Don't worry, maybe start to write a diary so you can always remember things, have as well an electronic agenda so you don't forget to do things set alarms on it so you have little reminders of the important tasks.

Don't be confused, take the time to observe yourself by reading again what you did, what you liked in a side or another, and don't forget to have relations you can count on but as well a professional to ask help when it is needed.

1Don't worry, everything will be fine! 1
​

 

[dandelions]

So lately I've been thinking about my different moods and states of being I guess, and I was writing them down because I wanted to find a pattern or triggers that triggered each "mood". In the beginning I could only think of three states of being, but the more I wrote down, the more I could think of and I ended up with 15 parts of me. I could also keep "remembering" more stuff that fitted with each mood, stuff as function, some moods are just to keep me going in day to day life, others are completely drowning in emotions like depression or hyperactivity. But I could also link music choices, types of clothing and makeup, hobbies, even language, some of them think and write in Dutch others in English to specific "moods". With some moods I also really get the feeling that I'm sort of standing at the sideline while "someone else?" Is making the choices. I especially have this when I'm in a really childish mood and I feel like a mother looking at her playing child. When I'm depressed I want to help that side by thinking positive things, but I can't seem to be able to reach "her". I also have a "mean" side that I don't like that makes mean remarks about people in my head. So that's why I was wondering, when does a side of you become such a seperate piece that it qualifies as an alter. I don't have names for the different pieces, but they can switch really rapidly, sometimes I can feel it coming, and these pieces don't feel like me because I have very little sense of who I am and what I like and what I want, but these pieces seem to have a good sense of what they want to do or accomplish. The problem is that these wishes and expectations are so diverse that I don't know who to listen to anymore and I'm scared to make any decision because one moment it can feel like the best decision ever and the next I don't know what I was thinking when I made that decision.
It's just that I don't really lose time. I do feel like I'm not always in control, but I'm always looking on and sometimes it can be very hard to remember what I did the last day, and it can be vague, but not impossible, so I'm pretty confused by now. Is there anyone who has the same experiences or can shed any light on what is going on or when an alter is an alter and when it is just a piece of you like everyone else has sides to themselves?

I have only other living inside me. I named it hijacker. It's very cruel. It is so cruel I have found it difficult to believe it might actually be me. I've called it a demon, a virus, and a part of me that split off so perfectly that it is no longer me but separate. All along I just don't know. It has been with me as a matured separate entity for nearly 20 years. But before that it was maturing and always just as cruel. I've discussed the possibility of this being DID with professionals but they don't think it is. I don't know what they think. I seem to be unable to stop it. And I don't actually believe in demons, but what could it be. I'm actually going into therapy now so I will talk about this. If I have interesting information, I'll come back and let you know. Have you tried insisting to yourself that you can keep them all together and be one person? Are you aware of any having a specific agenda? I hope to talk to you later.

 

[Innocent Forever]

Hi @Cathy
I think @DevouredBreed has given a really comprehensive and helpful answer.
As she said a professional would be able to help best.
My understanding is that for it to completely count as 'alters' you'd be losing time and disassociating, however I don't really know. When I had a therapist I actually asked him if I've split personality disorder - I didn't ask in those words - and he told me that I don't have split personality disorder for I'm aware of the different sides. I think that's applicable here, that you're aware of the sides, you're aware of which parts are running your life. If you're looking for people to relate there are plenty of people here who can either relate to some degree or another or really understand it.
Re getting in touch with the other side, something I've found helpful at times is journaling through dialoguing. I've found out stuff I really never knew that way. And to help myself I've often written - and still write - letters to myself (this was why I asked my therapist about it, for it's completely one side - the mature, logical, sensible, believer - writing to the other side - the me running my life at that moment). I've recently realised that there may be more than 2 different sides in my world (not just the destructive, and positive) but I've never really wanted to work through it or face it.
Sending happy thoughts your way
Love, light and glitter

 

[Cathy]

Before anything, I'd simply like to ask you if you have been seeing someone professional about this subject ? Because if not, I think it would be a good idea in order to have a professional advice, so, as you are having difficulties with making choices, ask to a trustworthy person to seek somebody you could start a relation with!

Related to my experiences : I was psychotic and I had this kind of experience but only with one "alter", it was more like a dissociation of myself and this "self" became something horrible. I was splited in two : Basically, I was splitting things that I was hating from myself into an "alter" because I didn't wanted to see it as myself.

I didn't did this mecanism by thinking about it, it just came naturally because of what I was living.



For the depressed side :

The fact that you are uncapable to reach "her", is simply in my opinion because your depression is too overwhelming.
Something too much for you to attenuate only by thinking positive things.
When you feel this side of you more than something else, simply take a good playlist of only one genre of music, do not take too much time to decide, just jump like you would do in a beautiful pool.
Classical music or ambient music can help to be more calm and ready to breath and cry to feel more relieved after.

(for an exemple of Classical artist : Lubomyr Melnyk)
(for an exemple of Ambient music, the album : Aphex Twin - Ambient works vol II)

Look at a funny movie or a funny serie like : Rick & Morty or F.R.I.E.N.D.S or The Big Lebowsky,..

Drink something pleasant, eat something pleasant and don't forget to call friends to hear good things about them and have a little bit of support,...

For the mean side :

Don't forget that this mean side can naturally come from the fact that you hate some parts of yourself. Do not see this mean side as something to hate but more like a "side in pain". This side in pain needs to be healed just like the other sides of yourself.

I used to have racing thoughts and as it is basically thoughts that you cannot have control on, it is horrible. My racing thoughts were what you qualify as the "mean side" because it was simply insults over me.

I worked over my vision of self to be healed from this and I started to see my racing thoughts like a comedy show at the end of it because I just knew that I was completely better from what I was hearing. The process was long for me but it is frankly possible to heal this completely.

"When does it qualifies as an Alter?"

In my opinion and again, I'm not a professional, it can comes when you feel the need to dissociate something that you don't like in yourself, you start to hate it and you don't want it anymore in you so you split it from your big personality forgetting that you're only one.

It can come in the inversed process as well, you love something so much inside you that you start to split it from your big personality and you see it as something wonderful you become to have a name for it and it just become for exemple "Chance, the super-hero". Don't be scared, everything is possible for healing, all the time !






Troubles with the sides and decisions

First, to seek names in my opinion is not what you should do : You should probably seek category for those sides just like you described, for exemple "Depression" / "Euphoria" / "Childish" / "Excessive Anger" / "Excessive Obsession",.. It will be more easy for you to understand the way you will feel when it comes.

They have good sense of what they want to do or accomplish because you split them as entities but they are all a part of yourself, meaning that what you want to do when you switch to in side is simply a little thing that you'd like to do. It is a part of who you are.

Now, don't be scared if you have sometimes intentions that seems "mean" to you or "bad". Humans have sometimes desires that can feel weird. You have the control over those intentions, you know exactly with your moral what you should or not do. If you feel like you don't have this control, again, a professional could oriente you into what you should do in order to have control over those things.

When you go into one side and you feel like you appreciate something just write it in a diary by telling the category of the side so you can hear it again when you switch to another side just to see how you feel when you listen to the same song in another side for exemple. That could help you with the dissociation process because you would start to put things together again.



For the arduity to remember certain things

Don't worry, maybe start to write a diary so you can always remember things, have as well an electronic agenda so you don't forget to do things set alarms on it so you have little reminders of the important tasks.

Don't be confused, take the time to observe yourself by reading again what you did, what you liked in a side or another, and don't forget to have relations you can count on but as well a professional to ask help when it is needed.

1Don't worry, everything will be fine! 1
​

Thank you so much for this elaborate answer. I am seeing a therapist but because I probably have to transfer again, I have the feeling that they won't go into anything to deep anymore and I'm pretty much scared to just ask outright what they think about all this, so it just leaves me guessing.
I guess I'm also afraid to become 'whole' again. I'm just now beginning to discover these parts and I'm starting to understand that they're there to protect me and we have to work together to keep going, and I feel really protective of some of them all of a sudden and I guess I'm afraid of losing them and that they'll be tainted by all the other parts when they become whole again. So again I'm really fighting with myself about this...
I'm just a mess right now. But I am going to try to write more practical stuff down, just so I know what I have done certain days.

 

[Cathy]

I have only other living inside me. I named it hijacker. It's very cruel. It is so cruel I have found it difficult to believe it might actually be me. I've called it a demon, a virus, and a part of me that split off so perfectly that it is no longer me but separate. All along I just don't know. It has been with me as a matured separate entity for nearly 20 years. But before that it was maturing and always just as cruel. I've discussed the possibility of this being DID with professionals but they don't think it is. I don't know what they think. I seem to be unable to stop it. And I don't actually believe in demons, but what could it be. I'm actually going into therapy now so I will talk about this. If I have interesting information, I'll come back and let you know. Have you tried insisting to yourself that you can keep them all together and be one person? Are you aware of any having a specific agenda? I hope to talk to you later.

I'm really sorry that you have to live with this side, or whatever it is, since you find it so cruel. I'd be very interested to see how you're therapy goes and what they think it might be and how you are doing. I really hope it will help you!
I think most of mine just want to protect me in their own way. Even the side that wants to pretend everything is fine and solve everything on their own, it's their way to keep me safe, and the really depressed side just wants to die but only because that's the only way out for her.
When I'm feeling really down I have tried to keep doing stuff other sides of me seem to like, or listen to positive music, but it just doesn't feel right? I can't even stand it...
It's all really new for me, I'm just starting to realize this stuff so I'm kind of all over the place, sorry for that...

 

[Cathy]

Hi @Cathy
I think @DevouredBreed has given a really comprehensive and helpful answer.
As she said a professional would be able to help best.
My understanding is that for it to completely count as 'alters' you'd be losing time and disassociating, however I don't really know. When I had a therapist I actually asked him if I've split personality disorder - I didn't ask in those words - and he told me that I don't have split personality disorder for I'm aware of the different sides. I think that's applicable here, that you're aware of the sides, you're aware of which parts are running your life. If you're looking for people to relate there are plenty of people here who can either relate to some degree or another or really understand it.
Re getting in touch with the other side, something I've found helpful at times is journaling through dialoguing. I've found out stuff I really never knew that way. And to help myself I've often written - and still write - letters to myself (this was why I asked my therapist about it, for it's completely one side - the mature, logical, sensible, believer - writing to the other side - the me running my life at that moment). I've recently realised that there may be more than 2 different sides in my world (not just the destructive, and positive) but I've never really wanted to work through it or face it.
Sending happy thoughts your way
Love, light and glitter

Yeah, I'm not really missing time, but there's also osdd-1b I believe where you do have alters but don't have the amnesia...
I have also found out certain things through things I've written down, but I'm not always quite sure what I mean with certain things I've written down.
I have discovered 15 sides of me through the past couple of weeks and I'm also scared to death to find out what it means and what I have to do to work through this

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

I experience different parts of myself. For me the dissociation is due to trauma. I have found that seeing a therapist who specializes in dissociation and trauma to be super helpful.

 

[Innocent Forever]

I guess I'm also afraid to become 'whole' again. I'm just now beginning to discover these parts and I'm starting to understand that they're there to protect me and we have to work together to keep going, and I feel really protective of some of them all of a sudden and I guess I'm afraid of losing them and that they'll be tainted by all the other parts when they become whole again. So again I'm really fighting with myself about this...

I don't actually think you'd lose the parts. For example, the 9 year old inno is always going to remain the 9 year old inno, just maybe if I'd be aware of what the 9 year old inno does/doesn't run than instead of a 9 year old in charge, I'd be in charge looking after the 9 year old.

 

[KA9]

Don't overthink it too much.

It used to bother me as well. In fact it was the reason why I'd stayed in therapy for so long, to 'know myself'. I kept getting bothered by the fact that during some of my 'moods' I might make different decisions than in other moods. And my moods keep changing so often too.

Well she told me that it's just the part of me. Just live with it.

To elaborate on it further. We tend to see other people as more stable than us. We tend to categorize people as cheerful, angry, good, evil, whatever. But that's not the case. Everyone has different moods at different times. Nobody is just "that girl that always smiles" or whatever.

So if you think of yourself as not having any particular personality compared to other people you know or meet, you are pretty much guaranteed to be wrong.

And even if some people have more prevalent traits, well first that doesn't mean they have to be happy about it - if someone is "constantly" cheerful (which again, is never a constant), they may be bugged by it themselves because they find it hard to relate to other people for example. And second, even if you find yourself to switch moods more often than other people (which again may not be the case a all), well that's who you are. Don't overthink it too much.

Oh btw you'd be surprised how many people are hiding a hidden, dark personality they'd never let anyone know about.

 

[Cathy]

Don't overthink it too much.

It used to bother me as well. In fact it was the reason why I'd stayed in therapy for so long, to 'know myself'. I kept getting bothered by the fact that during some of my 'moods' I might make different decisions than in other moods. And my moods keep changing so often too.

Well she told me that it's just the part of me. Just live with it.

To elaborate on it further. We tend to see other people as more stable than us. We tend to categorize people as cheerful, angry, good, evil, whatever. But that's not the case. Everyone has different moods at different times. Nobody is just "that girl that always smiles" or whatever.

So if you think of yourself as not having any particular personality compared to other people you know or meet, you are pretty much guaranteed to be wrong.

And even if some people have more prevalent traits, well first that doesn't mean they have to be happy about it - if someone is "constantly" cheerful (which again, is never a constant), they may be bugged by it themselves because they find it hard to relate to other people for example. And second, even if you find yourself to switch moods more often than other people (which again may not be the case a all), well that's who you are. Don't overthink it too much.

Oh btw you'd be surprised how many people are hiding a hidden, dark personality they'd never let anyone know about.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't and it was okay when I could sort of live with this, but I've become unable to make any decision. Sometimes I can't even decide what I want on my sandwich, and I actually say to myself, just choose something, it doesn't matter, but I just can't, let alone make decisions about my life, what do I want to do for a living, do I want to follow another education, do I want children. I just don't know and sometimes I think I know and I end up doing something I regret later. I know everyone has sides to them and everyone does stuff that they regret later, but with me it's every tiny decision and that's why this is such a big deal for me...

 

[DevouredBreed]

Thank you so much for this elaborate answer. I am seeing a therapist but because I probably have to transfer again, I have the feeling that they won't go into anything to deep anymore and I'm pretty much scared to just ask outright what they think about all this, so it just leaves me guessing.
I guess I'm also afraid to become 'whole' again. I'm just now beginning to discover these parts and I'm starting to understand that they're there to protect me and we have to work together to keep going, and I feel really protective of some of them all of a sudden and I guess I'm afraid of losing them and that they'll be tainted by all the other parts when they become whole again. So again I'm really fighting with myself about this...
I'm just a mess right now. But I am going to try to write more practical stuff down, just so I know what I have done certain days.

Don't be scared to embrace yourself, in fact, you have the habit to be splited this is why it scares you a little bit but I promise, when you will start to put it back together, you will discover just how beautiful you are as a big rainbow.

You need to put the parts together so you can grow even more, what you did could be seen as explorations of different caracteristics of self and now that you know them, put it back together and just embrace how you are! Because not only they are going to make you a wonderful, big and variated personality but also you will just understand who you truly are!

You will be completely relieved and this is just what you need.

As an advice again, try all the time to write what you like when you're in a particular side and then when you switch, go back on what you did in a side and do it again on the other side so you can explore your feelings when you mix everything

Don't worry! Will be fine 1

For the professionnal, don't be scared! After all, they are there for this! Even if it's the end of the relationship, don't feel scared to ask why you're with them for. You need those kind of informations so take them when you have the luck to receive them, especially if one of those informations could be life-changing we never know.

Just be brave! You're courageous already, you can be even more. Good luck <3

 

[dandelions]

I'm really sorry that you have to live with this side, or whatever it is, since you find it so cruel. I'd be very interested to see how you're therapy goes and what they think it might be and how you are doing. I really hope it will help you!
I think most of mine just want to protect me in their own way. Even the side that wants to pretend everything is fine and solve everything on their own, it's their way to keep me safe, and the really depressed side just wants to die but only because that's the only way out for her.
When I'm feeling really down I have tried to keep doing stuff other sides of me seem to like, or listen to positive music, but it just doesn't feel right? I can't even stand it...
It's all really new for me, I'm just starting to realize this stuff so I'm kind of all over the place, sorry for that...

maybe its to be expected to be all over the place. i know i am. lately i’ve been describing my feelings as “full spectrum” and i’m not really sure how i feel. but more lately its disconnected and stranded in the middle of nowhere.

i hope we can stay in touch. i’m happy to let you knwo how things are developing for me. i have some specific things in mind. i hope you might keep me posted too. it seems it is hard to stay in touch with people who have multiple personalities or the various “sides” that they are aware of. but it also seems like keeping in touch with other people may even be more important for us in helping to keep track of who we are and or who is in control.

 

[Innocent Forever]

Yeah, I know I shouldn't and it was okay when I could sort of live with this, but I've become unable to make any decision. Sometimes I can't even decide what I want on my sandwich, and I actually say to myself, just choose something, it doesn't matter, but I just can't, let alone make decisions about my life, what do I want to do for a living, do I want to follow another education, do I want children. I just don't know and sometimes I think I know and I end up doing something I regret later. I know everyone has sides to them and everyone does stuff that they regret later, but with me it's every tiny decision and that's why this is such a big deal for me...

((hugs))
I relate to this way too well and don't have any advice. I hope you do figure it out... You're worth it.

 

[Cathy]

((hugs))
I relate to this way too well and don't have any advice. I hope you do figure it out... You're worth it.

Thank you so much, I hope you do too!